Sometimes I Bleed

[ckeo]

The Still I remember, when the sky slipped
through the haze of my slumber and the cerulean
glass exposed from the mist offered reprieve
from heat ablating my skin.

Serving salinity I lay there, A leatherbound
trinket unteathered on unrelenting hardness
of driftwood. I closed my eyes back to the
comfort of my dream, no avail.. endless drifting,
the ocean lapping my vessel.

I fear the water reflecting faces, legends of
wise men and mercy staining my bones. I long
for human touch, the glow of a fresh lit hearth
over ice cream sundaes and doe eyes pining in
vain. I ponder the servitude.

I struggled the edge, occasionally relenting
to my weight and sometimes I bled. I could smell
the dried crust over my wounds and the fire from
salt washing it away. A deed that would test A
common man, until only an echo remains.

Here.. buoyant and embryotic I drift, shadows
no longer search above, the animations of their wake
have long subdued. With all hope lost as I am,
may my lonliness... be their pain.

**This is the first thing I have written since the last piece I posted,
but I am thick skinned so do not be afraid to throw stones and tell
me to get a real job.

[billy]

i loved the enjambment on cerulean, which is also a word that is one of special animals. (yes i know it pertains to blue and not tiger)
should it be (remained) past tense
i think you could add a few comma's without doing any harm.

first off it's in the mild crit so we can't do an in depth on it. 2nd i'm not sure an in depth would find that much in need of an edit.

while i like it and love some of the word choices, it feels a little too dramatic, even though it is a dramatic poem it just feels a tad overly so to me.

i'd see if i could lose a few of the I's

the poem itself reads really well. an odd thing is almost cliche but gets away with not being so. i really enjoy the read. it had a good logical progression through the poem and some good images.

Serving salinity I lay there, A leatherbound
was a great line that began the story proper (though the enjambment feels a bit off. ) if written as leather bound it would work much better and the enjambment problem would vanish.

thanks for the read

[ckeo]

i loved the enjambment on cerulean, which is also a word that is one of special animals. (yes i know it pertains to blue and not tiger)
should it be (remained) past tense
i think you could add a few comma's without doing any harm.

Yes, I love the word "cerulean" it is somewhat hypnotic.
As for "remained", it was initially until I discovered a recent poem posted by Todd and eerily we had the exact same line so I had changed it.

first off it's in the mild crit so we can't do an in depth on it. 2nd i'm not sure an in depth would find that much in need of an edit.

If you feel this would be better served in the dragons den, then by all means feel free to move it.

while i like it and love some of the word choices, it feels a little too dramatic, even though it is a dramatic poem it just feels a tad overly so to me.

i'd see if i could lose a few of the I's

the poem itself reads really well. an odd thing is almost cliche but gets away with not being so. i really enjoy the read. it had a good logical progression through the poem and some good images.

Serving salinity I lay there, A leatherbound
was a great line that began the story proper (though the enjambment feels a bit off. ) if written as leather bound it would work much better and the enjambment problem would vanish.

thanks for the read

Yes, it is a tad dramatic and that issue has been a struggle,
I am not quite there yet experience wise to strike a balance
or even to know what balanced is... but I am reflecting on it
and toying with the idea of interspersing a stanza or two
of reminiscing back on happy points in his life to draw the reader
into a system of wavering emotions, I am not sure I can pull that off.

I have whittled it down considerably "i" wise but still feel the frequency
is a little too much. I expect to go through a few revisions before this one is complete and will look for ways to reduce it.

Did you mean:
"Serving salinity I lay there, A leather bound
trinket untethered on unrelenting hardness"
or
"Serving salinity I lay there, A leather
bound trinket untethered on unrelenting
hardness"

Billy, your comments were generous and I welcome them,
I am trying to convince myself that this piece is far removed from my previous efforts and I'd like to tell everyone that y'all havnt been pulling yer hair out while reading my stuff for nothing... I have been learning something. (whether that is evident or not).

[billy]

i loved the enjambment on cerulean, which is also a word that is one of special animals. (yes i know it pertains to blue and not tiger)
should it be (remained) past tense
i think you could add a few comma's without doing any harm.

Yes, I love the word "cerulean" it is somewhat hypnotic.
As for "remained", it was initially until I discovered a recent poem posted by Todd and eerily we had the exact same line so I had changed it.

first off it's in the mild crit so we can't do an in depth on it. 2nd i'm not sure an in depth would find that much in need of an edit.

If you feel this would be better served in the dragons den, then by all means feel free to move it.

while i like it and love some of the word choices, it feels a little too dramatic, even though it is a dramatic poem it just feels a tad overly so to me.

i'd see if i could lose a few of the I's

the poem itself reads really well. an odd thing is almost cliche but gets away with not being so. i really enjoy the read. it had a good logical progression through the poem and some good images.

Serving salinity I lay there, A leatherbound
was a great line that began the story proper (though the enjambment feels a bit off. ) if written as leather bound it would work much better and the enjambment problem would vanish.

thanks for the read

Yes, it is a tad dramatic and that issue has been a struggle,
I am not quite there yet experience wise to strike a balance
or even to know what balanced is... but I am reflecting on it
and toying with the idea of interspersing a stanza or two
of reminiscing back on happy points in his life to draw the reader
into a system of wavering emotions, I am not sure I can pull that off.

I have whittled it down considerably "i" wise but still feel the frequency
is a little too much. I expect to go through a few revisions before this one is complete and will look for ways to reduce it.

Did you mean:
"Serving salinity I lay there, A leather bound
trinket untethered on unrelenting hardness"
or
"Serving salinity I lay there, A leather
bound trinket untethered on unrelenting
hardness"

Billy, your comments were generous and I welcome them,
I am trying to convince myself that this piece is far removed from my previous efforts and I'd like to tell everyone that y'all havnt been pulling yer hair out while reading my stuff for nothing... I have been learning something. (whether that is evident or not).

Serving salinity I lay there, leather bound
a trinket untethered on unrelenting hardness

if this is anything to go by i'd say indeed you have

and while we may move an odd poem down we never move one up.

feel free to post it there yourself though and give tecktak a shot

[ckeo]

and while we may move an odd poem down we never move one up.

feel free to post it there yourself though and give tecktak a shot

fine... done... It feels like a trap. heh heh.

[Todd]

Hi Craig,

What this has going for it is that it's interesting. I like the capitalized event: The Still

If I were to give you some general things to think about I would look at your line breaks (I'm not trying to make your lines too long so don't take this as a rewrite suggestion more of just something to think about).

Notice on L1 where you break on slipped. That's a reasonable break on a strong verb. Sky slipped sounds cool. That said, if you reworked the line by pulling up through the haze (you may choose to rework a few elements if that makes it too long for you) you would give the reader a sense of a hazy sky and the haze of sleep. That break would add a layer to your poem.

I would also caution you on breaks on articles like "the". Those breaks tend to feel choppy and are less effective than when you are breaking on strong nouns or verbs.

You some great word choices / phrasing throughout (i.e., cerulean glass, heat ablating, doe eyes).

I think you had a typo on untethered, and there were a few lines where I think you had words you could cut without sacrificing anything (meaning it seemed like there were filler words). I suggest going through and asking yourself if the line works without a given word and if you think it does cut appropriately.

Nice to see your post.

Hope some of this was helpful.

Best,

Todd

The Still I remember, when the sky slipped
through the haze of my slumber and the cerulean
glass exposed from the mist offered reprieve
from heat ablating my skin.

Serving salinity I lay there, A leatherbound
trinket unteathered on unrelenting hardness
of driftwood. I closed my eyes back to the
comfort of my dream, no avail.. endless drifting,
the ocean lapping my vessel.

I fear the water reflecting faces, legends of
wise men and mercy staining my bones. I long
for human touch, the glow of a fresh lit hearth
over ice cream sundaes and doe eyes pining in
vain. I ponder the servitude.

I struggled the edge, occasionally relenting
to my weight and sometimes I bled. I could smell
the dried crust over my wounds and the fire from
salt washing it away. A deed that would test A
common man, until only an echo remains.

Here.. buoyant and embryotic I drift, shadows
no longer search above, the animations of their wake
have long subdued. With all hope lost as I am,
may my lonliness... be their pain.

**This is the first thing I have written since the last piece I posted,
but I am thick skinned so do not be afraid to throw stones and tell
me to get a real job.