From young to old

[babeismijnkat]

we're getting uglier
greyer, blacker
from smooth to rough

in the beginning
we can't stop laughing
but at the end
we laugh while we cry

ripples
numbers we can't count
wrinkles
climbing over our skin

and they say
that we have to fail
to start again
let's begin with failing
so we can come again
to where we came from

pour the young blood
over our everlasting pain
recreate from the ashes
a newborn warm life

[Erthona]

What follows after the line break is probably more feedback than you wanted. If you don't want that much just read what's above the line

Overall a nice description of the process of life, and the irony therein.

Could use some tightening here and there.
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This is a nice description "from smooth to rough"

Tense problem here

"in the beginning
we can't stop laughing
but at the end
we laugh while we cry"

"in the beginning
we couldn't stop laughing
but at the end
we laughed while we cry

and if you could bare some punctuation

ripples:
numbers we can't count
& wrinkles:
climbing over our skin

"and they say
that we have to fail
to start again
let's begin with failing
so we can come again
to where we came from"

maybe (although your intent is not entirely clear to me)

"they say
that we must fail
in order to start again
(then?) let us begin with failing
so we may come again
from where we first came"

Purely personal of course, as it is more a matter of style, but I think ending with the rhyme makes it stronger.

"pour the young blood
over our everlasting pain
recreate from the ashes
a new-birth again"


Overall a nice description of the process of life, and the irony therein.

Dale

[babeismijnkat]

thank you very much for the feedback, you're helping me very much!
I agree with the tenses...

---

and I will look at it and I think I will rewrite some parts..

[Philatone]

hey! some quick comments:

we're getting uglier
greyer, blacker
from smooth to rough ..enjoyed the images! think this was among the strongest!

in the beginning
we can't stop laughing
but at the end
we laugh while we cry..I wasn't fully sure how this fits your other stanzas. not sure it is needed

ripples
numbers we can't count
wrinkles
climbing over our skin ..I think you expressed this well

and they say
that we have to fail
to start again
let's begin with failing
so we can come again
to where we came from..like the idea! i think you could do without the last two lines

pour the young blood
over our everlasting pain
recreate from the ashes
a newborn warm life ...I think the "blood" is a stronger image than you want for this stanza/poem

I liked reading this, I think you expressed it well

[tectak]

we're getting uglier
greyer, blacker
from smooth to roughI like the statement start. It is a strong opener showing confidence. Would you be this confident if you showed mastery of punctuation, I wonder? Nonetheless, I am intrigued....where are we off to?


in the beginning
we can't stop laughing
but at the end
we laugh while we cry Errors of tense here, but also try "we cry while we laugh". Believe me, it is nearer the mark and carries a bitter-sweet poignancy

ripples
numbers we can't count
wrinkles
climbing over our skin Again, the punctuation is awol and though the meaning is perfectly clear, it may not be your meaning. Puntuation is a tool not to be put down because you don't know how to use it. I like this stanza very much and you are forgiven but not vindicated.

and they say
that we have to fail
to start again
let's begin with failing
so we can come again
to where we came fromThis stanza shows what can happen when the immediacy of a thought is not allowed to mature. There are twenty ways that this excellent distillation could be clarified.....watch out,though,that clichés creep not in[b/]

pour the young blood
over our everlasting pain
recreate from the ashes
a newborn warm life

All issues are little. Very well done. Bugger to getting old!

[Veil of Trash]

*snip*

Dale

A question for you, Mr Dale, I am seeing a lot of people suggest that directly telling a story can be counter-productive and may make the story appear bland.

I then notice you begin to correct tenses and switch around some of this poem to put it in a more linear narrative style?
Do you think perhaps there could be merit in using broken tenses and lines to represent the immediacy or intensity of certain aspects of a story? Or does it lead to a more cliched and ineffectual method?

I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on the matter as my own are quite isolated and strange

Rgds, Jay.

[Leanne]

This would be an interesting topic for the Poetry Discussion forum, please feel free to start threads there as all are welcome (even and especially those with "isolated and strange" ideas!). However, we make a rule not to hold such discussions on people's poem threads for two main reasons: (1) It's not fair to the original poster if conversation doesn't address his/her poem directly and (2) Valuable insights can be lost as not everyone checks individual poem threads, but almost everyone will read discussion forums.

Thanks for your interest in such things/ admin