< middle of you > (oops, damn spring love poems...)
#1

< middle of you >

i left
right in the middle of you
but
in the other cities
there was always
a street like you
and
i would steal it's name
and
sing to it
and
take it to bed with me
before
they made me put it back
but now
i'm back
and
i'm right
where i left off
right
in the middle of you

- - -


oops, damn spring, here it comes, love love love...
.
almost terse
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#2
(03-20-2012, 04:18 PM)rayheinrich Wrote:  
< middle of you >

i left
right in the middle of you
but
in the other cities
there was always
a street like you
and
i would steal it's name
and
sing to it
and
take it to bed with me
before
they made me put it back
but now
i'm back
and
i'm right
where i left off
right
in the middle of you

- - -


oops, damn spring, here it comes, love love love...
.
and here am I with a lit fire of the season, so sad!

edit in gee in the light of day that comment looks like a bad crit. t'wasent I was cold and letting you know I had read you and was warming up to it with further reads.

I really need to think before I talk!!! or say nothing

Perfection changes with the light and light goes on for infinity ~~~Bronte

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#3
That's pretty good Ray, especially for love poetry. The excess "and"s were a bit offputting. Maybe:

i left
right in the middle of you

in the other cities
there was always
a street like you

i would steal it's name

sing to it

take it to bed with me
before
they made me put it back

but now
i'm back

i'm right
where i left off

right
in the middle of you


To me that reads better and clearer. Of course I am assuming there is not some hidden image I am missing and screwing up. Smile

Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#4

Yes, clearly a case of conjunctionitis.
You've cured it nicely, put it in the pink by taking it out.
(And their white space ghosts make it better still.)

P.S. And yes, you did destroy my carefully crafted profile of Eros.
But Leanne was the only one who could possibly have recognized it
and the last thing she needs is another freekin' Greeken image.

But wait, now that i take another look, i can clearly see Eris
(and, if i'm right, in left profile). Not only a more appropriate
god, but so MUCH less literal that the poem's gained another leg
(or it's happy to see us).


almost terse
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#5
Oh yes indeed, Eris is much more suitable than Aphrodite's horny son -- give me a bit of strife and a golden apple any day!

Did you ever wake up
on the wrong side of the bed
and realize that on the right side
was somebody wrong?
Worse yet,
the morning you wake up
to find you were wrong,
and the right person
has already left
It could be worse
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#6
"the poem's gained another leg
(or it's happy to see us"

I'd go with the ladder Tongue



Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Reply
#7
Is a step-ladder the product of a broken home?
It could be worse
Reply
#8
You kmow what Wittgenstein said abut ladders ...
Reply
#9
That their purpose was under-standing?
It could be worse
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#10
(03-22-2012, 05:47 AM)Leanne Wrote:  That their purpose was under-standing?

Ludwig would have enjoyed your antanaclastic
comment, but not get too excited. Probably,
after a smile, poke around at the embers and
then sit down.

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