Dresden

[only rob]

Dresden


When the flowers bloom in Dresden
and the smoke clears in Iraq
when the snow melts in Korea
and the ferryman shows the way
perhaps the stars will shine again,
and the sun, come out to play



Dresden

When the flowers bloom in Dresden
and the smoke clears in Iraq,
when the ice melts in Korea,
and the warlords lose their sway,
perhaps, the gentle few may lead
from fields of battle
to fields of maize.

[Philatone]

hello rob. quick thoughts for a quick and tidy-looking poem

Dresden


When the flowers bloom in Dresden
and the smoke clears in Iraq
when the snow melts in Korea ...this is probably a personal preference, but after the difference between "flowers" and "smoke" in the first two lines, "smoke" and "snow" just sounded too similar for me
and the ferryman shows the way
perhaps the stars will shine again,
and the sun, come out to play

I like the idea of the piece. an idea I had while reading would be more to compare the man-made with nature. part of it was already captured in the Iraq line. Rather than looking at flowers blooming and snow melting, looking at a more human (and also refreshing in a sense) aspects of these place may make the transition to "stars" and "sun" a little more dramatic. again, only an idea.

as is, it was pleasant to read, but I felt as though it lacks that lasting quality that will make it really memorable--though I don't think it has to be that way.

[Erthona]

I assume this may have something to do with healing the ravages of war, but if it is, it seems a somewhat superficial treatment. I think it would be hard to lend it much weight using a three foot line of accentual verse as it comes across too much as a doggerel. Also, the idea of "The Ferryman" is confusing, as the general response to an undefined "Ferryman" usually conjurers up images of Charon.

Sorry, this just doesn't do to much for me.

Dale

[Roy Hobbs]

"How long after picking up the brush until the first masterpiece?"

I'm interested. Where did Coleridge say this?

rh

[Erthona]

I don't believe I attributed it to him, did I?

Regardless, Coleridge did not say it. Or at least no where that I am aware.

Dale

[Roy Hobbs]

oops-- i was confused.

[Todd]

Hi Rob,

I love the first line though it could also serve as a title.

The rest of this though doesn't really hold together for me. You have the first four lines serving as a build up and then the payoff doesn't satisfy. L1-3 seem like they could be workable. I'm not enamored with the ferryman. It's just a little too common of an image for death. It also feels misplaced as you seem to wanting to point to renewal or rebirth. The final two lines just don't seem like enough of a revelation. I want the poem to hit harder than it currently does. Good concept I just don't think you've found your conclusion yet.

Best,

Todd

[popeye]

Hello rob, as a layman I enjoyed this poem, it has a migratory feel to it, and is hopeful of a better future much as migrants from any of the devastated areas of the world would have felt, not being au fait with literature the ferryman seemed like a Moses taking his people to a better place on the other shore, cheers, looking forward to more!

[billy]

Dresden


When the flowers bloom in Dresden starts off well for me
and the smoke clears in Iraq this line enhances the start and lends some depth
when the snow melts in Korea again; a re-enforcement to the 1st 2 lines.
and the ferryman shows the way for me [b]this is where the poem begins to fall away[/b]
perhaps the stars will shine again,
and the sun, come out to play this line undoes the good work of the 1st 3 lines.

hi rob,
it started off on a hi note and then lost the initial opening as it went a little off course. that said, i think you have enough content to do a reasonably small edit in order to recover the piece.

thanks for the read.