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V. 5 thanks to billy
last stanza edited
To and From
The boarding pass
in your small hand
bears our last name,
wrinkled and worn
above the emblem of an airline
and the couplet,
To and From.
These two words
pull and part
the way an airport can fill
or empty the back seat of a car.
Those six letters let you fly
alone, the first time,
next to a sleeping mother
whose son whispers lyrics
beside her. To your left,
an aisle filled in Queens
files away in Texas.
It will take only twenty steps
to reach the door,
1,500 miles away
from the hand
that pulled your suitcase,
the arms that held you
and released,
the checkpoint, and
the tremble of a wave.
V. 4
(props to billy, dale, bronte, abu, and mark)
changes- numerous!
played with tenses to make it try and make the piece more cohesive
Stanza 1 more closely resembles Erthona's suggestions (many thanks)
S. 3 changed "part and bring together" to "pull and part" to be more parallel with "fill...empty" in the next stanza
final two stanzas reworked
my appreciation to everyone's comments, they have been extraordinarily helpful
To and From
The boarding pass
in your small hand
bears our last name,
wrinkled and worn
above the emblem of an airline
and the couplet,
To and From.
These two words
pull and part,
the way an airport can fill
or empty the back seat of a car.
Those six letters let you fly
alone, the first time,
next to a sleeping mother
whose son whispers lyrics
beside her. To your left,
an aisle filled in Queens
files away in Texas.
It will take only twenty steps
to reach the door,
1,500 miles away
from the hand
that pulled your suitcase,
the arms that held you
and released,
the checkpoint where,
glancing back, you walked out of view.
----------
V. 3 complete rewrite
title changed
To and From
In your palm, a ticket curled
as the terminal grew
larger than any window in the car.
The boarding pass, wrinkled,
bore our last name
above the couplet
To and From,
words that part
and bring together
the way an airport
can fill or empty the back seat.
Those six letters let you fly
alone, the first time,
next to a sleeping mother
whose son whispers lyrics
beside her. To your left,
an aisle filled in Queens
will file away in Texas.
It takes only twenty steps
to reach the door,
1,500 miles away
from where it last opened,
near the full garage
where we parked and smiled,
the checkpoint
where, glancing back,
you walked out of view.
v. 2
"tend to" and "though" added to S.6
Half a goodbye
carried you down the jet way,
the other half tangled
with the keys in my pocket.
The handshake had ended. The revolving door
folded you into the lobby.
The attendant shipped your bag North,
the same bag you emptied
from my trunk like a bullet
from a barrel. Now that you are
gone, there is nothing
to pile on the backseat, the same
seat you emptied
when the terminal walked up
to your window
and knocked.
I tend to drive alone with the radio
off, your window cracked
and tuned to the breeze, though
a block from home
I noticed
the stereo was on,
no wind to course through
the ache of a guitar
and no one else to hear.
V. 1
Half a goodbye
carried you down the jet way,
the other half tangled
with the keys in my pocket.
The handshake had ended. The revolving door
folded you into the lobby.
The attendant shipped your bag North,
the same bag you emptied
from my trunk like a bullet
from a barrel. Now that you are
gone, there is nothing
to pile on the backseat, the same
seat you emptied
when the terminal walked up
to your window
and knocked.
Though I drive alone with the radio
off, your window cracked
and tuned to the breeze,
a block from home
I noticed
the stereo was on,
no wind to course through
the ache of a guitar
and no one else to hear.
Written only for you to consider.
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Joined: Sep 2011
Such a somber piece. I enjoy sadness so much when it is theoretical 
I love so much about this poem, but I will just try to give you the little stumbles I had. (It could just be me, of course.)
(03-19-2012, 05:37 AM)Philatone Wrote: carried you down the jet way,
the rest of it tangled
with the keys in my pocket. --what 'it'?? I love the way this makes me feel, but I can only guess what it could be: the situation, the conversation, the feelings between them?
The handshake had ended. The revolving door
folded you into the lobby. --very nice. you have a knack for picking very nice and fresh words.
The attendant shipped your bag North,
the same bag you emptied
from my trunk like a bullet
from a barrel. Now that you are
gone, there is nothing
to pile on the backseat, the same
seat you emptied
when the terminal walked up
to your window
and knocked. --nice way to put it. I never would have thought of that.
Though I drive alone with the radio
off, your window cracked
and tuned to the breeze,
a block from home
I noticed
the stereo was on, -- I thought the stereo was off.
no wind to course through
the ache of a guitar
and no one else to hear.
All in all I love it. It is so lonesome and the words are all well chosen. Thanks for sharing. 
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hey mark
thanks for the time and the input; I'm going to try and address some of those issues you raised.
appreciate the feedback
Written only for you to consider.
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This work is going nowhere in this format
When I read any work in first person as the narrator of a piece
I tend to steel myself away from the whining that most
often is produced.
Maybe it’s because we are just meeting
saying Hi! “How are you” polite like! Because that is what happens when
you the poet and me the reader come together, strangers meeting on the street.
and it begins “Hi how are you? ( I’m reading you)
“it’s my leg”’ or my back is killing me. “I’m all alone and unloved!! Wahhh! “
Much better if you’re the third person
being engaged as a bard for the next few moments while both
poet and reader engage we gossip .
“tell me the story of them” I say
But why in all that’s bubbling would you bring in a bullet simile ?
“ I want to kill that bitch imagery” comes to mind . I hate that simile intensely,
all the same, the trunk!!!, I only now figured it out as the boot of the car
not your travelling truck.. See it’s better to make plain and not rely
on the reader doing your thought prossess for you. Write the thing I say
it makes the poet more proficient at crafting.
And the last two lines made this hardened old reader want to gag. Re draft it in third person, be the N
it will give you a 2nd poem anyway and it can’t kill you outright can it?
but this busting headache might yet kill me today! Ouch!
Perfection changes with the light and light goes on for infinity ~~~Bronte
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Geoff,
Yeah, I have to agree with the babe above
You seem more invested in being poetic and clever than telling the story in a way that makes much sense.
See this line
"The revolving door
folded you into the lobby."
while nice is gratuitous because it is not attached to anything in the story, and does not come about naturally. It says, "Oh look, I have a clever way to describe something!" Plus, it really makes no sense. Maybe "ejects you into the lobby", by why only them? What does that have to do with the story.
Sorry Geoff, but the way this reads to me is as a number of clever metaphor's loosely strung together trying to give the impression that there is a story here somewhere...except I can't find the story.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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notes taken, appreciate the time and feedback
Written only for you to consider.
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On the plus side mate! , there is a vast audience that laps up this style of writing, and a vast array of writers churning it out.
I’d like to see the poets here become stand-alone and unique in their way of bewitching me every day. you the poet me the reader, because
I don’t want to be a poet
PS-- and I’m selfish and want good reading material for free ,
Perfection changes with the light and light goes on for infinity ~~~Bronte
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i took no negativity from it; it was an experiment with a couple of things that didn't turn out as well as expected. your comments on the images were deserved; poor decisions on my part.
i would hope to have your, dale's, and mark's opinion on the edit when it finally comes around; i hope to have a draft this week.
again, i thank you for your time
Written only for you to consider.
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(03-19-2012, 11:29 AM)Philatone Wrote: i took no negativity from it; it was an experiment with a couple of things that didn't turn out as well as expected. your comments on the images were deserved; poor decisions on my part.
i would hope to have your, dale's, and mark's opinion on the edit when it finally comes around; i hope to have a draft this week.
again, i thank you for your time
phew! I'm glad of that!
Perfection changes with the light and light goes on for infinity ~~~Bronte
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(03-19-2012, 05:37 AM)Philatone Wrote: v. 2
"tend to" and "though" added to S.6
Half a goodbye
carried you down the jet way, for some reason i;m thinking 'sci fi' with jet way, though i'm thinking it's the departure terminal
the other half tangled
with the keys in my pocket. i quite like the division of the goodbye
The handshake had ended. The revolving door
folded you into the lobby.
The attendant shipped your bag North, i think this line could be improved
the same bag you emptied
from my trunk like a bullet
from a barrel. Now that you are cliche, and the enjambment falls down a little for me
gone, there is nothing again the enjambs make me stall
to pile on the backseat, the same back-seat or back seat
seat you emptied i do like the words of this stanza, i just think it could be en-jambed much better.
when the terminal walked up feels a bit ambiguous
to your window
and knocked.
I tend to drive alone with the radio
off, your window cracked
and tuned to the breeze, though
a block from home
I noticed
the stereo was on,
no wind to course through
the ache of a guitar
and no one else to hear. for me a lot of the problems spring from the enjambment (throughout) i think if you sorted that out most of what i find at fault would be fixed.
at first i felt it was father son then i wasn't sure any more. as it is, i'd concentrate on the line ends and when you think you've got them right, see if you can add a bit more substance, it feels like an easy going piece and i'm not sure if it should or shouldn't, does he care about the person leaving or doesn't he, i think you could make that a definite either way.
i don't think you need to do a great big edit to get it where i think you think it should be. jmo
as always, thanks for the read.
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reworked edition is here to be torn down again! i mean that in the most positive way possible
thanks for the time, billy. in the interest of taking the piece in a new direction, i decided to opt for a rewrite. i did see your take on the enjambment, particularly in the 4th stanza. hopefully, this new version does not suffer as heavily from similar problems (though other factors always emerge).
appreciate your feedback
Written only for you to consider.
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Let me know when you post it.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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i have posted the new version on the first page. it's above the other versions; i figured since the poems came from the same progression, it might be good to keep them together. and i didn't want to dominate the boards.
it's version 3, titled "To and From"
i would love to have a critical eye like yours demolish it
Written only for you to consider.
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Geoff,
This is better. It has more substance. I think it is either twice too long, or not half as long as it needs to be.
I think you cheat yourself out of the emotional impact by adding to much extraneous stuff, and by creating confusion in terms of point of view: who is where and when?
The long would include more detail about what is happening, the short would be limited to these points. I wrote it out so I could be clear on what was what, I don't offer this as an example of how it should be (in fact the ending still eludes me), just what points seem important and by inference which are not.
Dale
--------------------------------------------------
In your small hand a ticket.
The boarding pass that
bears our last name above the couplet—
To and From:
words that part
or bring together,
the same way an airport
can fill or empty a back seat.
Ticket: those six letters
let you fly away alone.
This is your first time.
You will sit next to a sleeping mother
with her son beside her:
whispering lyrics.
To your left, an aisle filled
in Queens departing in Texas.
It takes only twenty steps
to reach that door
—1,500 miles away—
the door, just passed the checkpoint
where, glancing back,
you walk out of view.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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great to see you can do a rewrite, few can let go of their scribbles when they are too close ( high five)
not sure if my reading is anywhere near , but now I see a sad father seeing his child away not a sad lover as I did . I got that from "small hand" right at the start and my tail pricked up and wagged.
ditto Dale --- I have to run away now, going to court this should be fun
Perfection changes with the light and light goes on for infinity ~~~Bronte
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(03-19-2012, 05:37 AM)Philatone Wrote: V. 3 complete rewrite
title changed
To and From
In your palm, a ticket curled
as the terminal grew
larger than any window in the car.
The boarding pass, wrinkled,
bore our last name
above the couplet
To and From,
words that part
and bring together
the way an airport
can fill or empty the back seat.
Those six letters let you fly
alone, the first time,
next to a sleeping mother
whose son whispers lyrics i like this stanza a lot i'm not sure how old the person is but i get a feel it's young, yet old enough to travel
beside her. To your left,
an aisle filled in Queens
will file away in Texas.
It takes only twenty steps
to reach the door,
1,500 miles away and this one, it has a finality
from where it last opened,
near the full garage
where we parked and smiled,
the checkpoint
where, glancing back,
you walked out of view.
hi Geoff, brave edit and one that for me improves the piece 5 fold. now i can identify with the loss, or a loss, (it could just be how i see it). the enjambment feels more adept, though for me;
the way an airport
can fill or empty the back seat.
Those six letters let you fly
would work better as;
the way an airport can fill
or empty the back seat.
Those six letters let you fly
like a fool i read dale's crit, and have to say he made a valid point. (for me) . if i were yu which of course i'm not, i'd try and add some more solidity and replace a couple of less profound lines such as;
above the couplet
To and From,
overall i think you did a great job in turning the poem round.
thanks for the edit.
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Candidly, I began reading this rather irascibly, and wondering what was the point of the line-breaks, and why not just write out a simple paragragh. I thought figures of speech in earlier versions were overblown: airports don' walk about. However, having read it several times in all its incarnations (cliche), I find it has a quiet, sad, tone which I rather like. Arrivals and Departures must all the time be a place of much joy, and much hand-wringing!
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dale
i think i've gotten the substance to show a little more, but if you feel it is still lacking to a degree I would love to know. I tried to ensure every detail is crucial and integral to the meaning. thanks for your eye and your time
bronte
thank you for your time and suggestions, I hope I have salvaged the poem at least to some degree in your eyes. the idea of a rewrite was the strongest I could have had for the piece, though I had little planning on how much the idea of the piece would change (which comes with rewriting I suppose). I hope that the substance has increased a bit, though it is probably my weakest area in writing, with others in a close second. thanks for your time
billy
your suggestion for that stanza was great. thanks for the critiques on both; always valuable feedback.
abu
i hope the stanzas have justified themselves; I'd prefer not to do paragraph though I can certainly see elements that, if adjusted, could work that way. I'm glad you like the tone, and am gladder to have your thoughts. thank you
Written only for you to consider.
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seriously geoff, i think the way you edit is brave and sensible. you're not afraid to chop and hack if you think that's what's required. for me this latest version actually captures a moment, a time, a place, coherently for me the reader to really understand. with this latest edit i feel i'm in the picture. if i had 1 nit, it would be the last verse;
and released,
the checkpoint where,
glancing back, you walked out of view.
for me it's a bit drwn out (though i'm sure that was intentional; would something like;
and released,
the checkpoint where,
glanced back. or
and released,
the checkpoint where,
you waved. jmo
all in all really well work-shopped, from this point i'd keep any edit small so as to not lose what you've achieved.
thanks for the edit.
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billy,
when i was getting into poetry most seriously, my friend/ far superior writer advised me to kill my babies, which is the advice that never left me. no line is safe.
personally, I hate the idea--no one likes losing parts of the family-- but I don't think any tip has ever helped me more. it really opens up what you can do with a poem when you can make it explode. I appreciate your kind words; I guess I just approach it as a part of the job. it makes it a little easier.
for some reason, I keep posting poems and revisions when I doubt sections, and people reaffirm my suspicions. I should trust myself more. I was looking at the last stanza for the same reasons you were. I think i'll cut just a little more
thanks for the repeated visits; those are the most helpful since they see the whole progression. I'm glad that you were able to feel invested in the moment
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