This Winter (edit 1)

[tectak]

This winter sent the piercing spikes; glass-brittle, hard as flint.
Not yielding to the sword of light, they daily grow
by inch on inch and glint on glint,
from water freed from fused, fine jewels once held as snow.
These transient gems in nature’s crown
no feeble sun can render down,
this winter morn.

This winter chills the mid-day breeze until air scintillates;
and from the high and bedecked boughs, encrusted white,
falls shards as ice disintegrates.
A glimpse, a flash, of low-noon sun through grey cloud, edged with light
though fleeting and yet promising
no comfort nor warm rapture brings,
this winter noon.


This winter strides bare fallow fields, in dark and cold they lay.
A breath, a sigh of falling air, moves not one blade,
nor leaf, nor twig, this dying day .
Grey cloaked, the ruby, skirmished sky is set to fade,
as blood will blacken, in to night.
Strong men will hunch against the bite,
this winter eve.

This winter closed out stars above with deep and unseen cloud;
whilst down below the clamping cold held tight the land.
Then stirrred the breeze, but with no sound,
new fell the snow to layer deep, to cover and
make pure the ground in wait of spring,
that only hope alone can bring,
this winter night.

Tom Kirby Jan 2009

[Erthona]

Is this your poem or Tom Kirby's? Well here are some comments on the first stanza. I won't go beyond that until I know this is your poem.

This Winter sent piercing spikes—glass-brittle, hard as flint—(where?) Because "piercing spikes" is not a common description like "snow", it begs the question of "where"? Like in the sentence, "Billy sent roller skates." One wants it to tell "to who" or "where". Because it leaves one hanging, it is moderately disruptive to the reading. That it is the first line, it sets that as an overall tone for the poem. Additionally, if you are going anthropomorphize "Winter", then you need to drop the article. After all you would not say "This Billy sent..."
Above I used the em dash to parenthetically present (glass-brittle, hard as flint), allowing for a conclusion to the sentence. If you want the sentence to stay open ended, then a colon would suffice as in:

"Winter sent piercing spikes: glass-brittle, hard as flint.

However with the em dash you can include the sentence fragment that follows. Thus:

"Winter sent piercing spikes—glass-brittle, hard as flint—
not yielding to the sword of light they grow
inch on inch, glint by glint: of water freed
from fused fine jewels, once held in snow."

As the last part is in present tense, I would recommend you use present tense with everything. So:

"Winter sends piercing spikes—glass-brittle, hard as flint—
not yielding to the sword of light they grow
inch on inch, glint by glint: of water freed
from fused fine jewels, once held in snow.
These transient gems in nature’s crown
no feeble sun can render down,
this Winter's morning."

This is an interesting idea, although for me it is less than ideally developed. It is somewhat lacking in metaphorical and descriptive originality, and has to many grammatical, punctuation, and agreement problems. It tries to cover over these problems with "high-flown" language, which is somewhat imitative of the later romantic period of English poetry: sacrificing substance for appearance.


Dale

[tectak]

Is this your poem or Tom Kirby's? Well here are some comments on the first stanza. I won't go beyond that until I know this is your poem.

This Winter sent piercing spikes—glass-brittle, hard as flint—(where?) Because "piercing spikes" is not a common description like "snow", it begs the question of "where"? Like in the sentence, "Billy sent roller skates." One wants it to tell "to who" or "where". Because it leaves one hanging, it is moderately disruptive to the reading. That it is the first line, it sets that as an overall tone for the poem. Additionally, if you are going anthropomorphize "Winter", then you need to drop the article. After all you would not say "This Billy sent..."
Above I used the em dash to parenthetically present (glass-brittle, hard as flint), allowing for a conclusion to the sentence. If you want the sentence to stay open ended, then a colon would suffice as in:

"Winter sent piercing spikes: glass-brittle, hard as flint.

However with the em dash you can include the sentence fragment that follows. Thus:

"Winter sent piercing spikes—glass-brittle, hard as flint—
not yielding to the sword of light they grow
inch on inch, glint by glint: of water freed
from fused fine jewels, once held in snow."

As the last part is in present tense, I would recommend you use present tense with everything. So:

"Winter sends piercing spikes—glass-brittle, hard as flint—
not yielding to the sword of light they grow
inch on inch, glint by glint: of water freed
from fused fine jewels, once held in snow.
These transient gems in nature’s crown
no feeble sun can render down,
this Winter's morning."

This is an interesting idea, although for me it is less than ideally developed. It is somewhat lacking in metaphorical and descriptive originality, and has to many grammatical, punctuation, and agreement problems. It tries to cover over these problems with "high-flown" language, which is somewhat imitative of the later romantic period of English poetry: sacrificing substance for appearance.


Dale

Is that erthona? Yes, it is I. My cover was blown some time ago!
I am bear- trapping again. There is a very minor kerfuffle over "twinkling" on the boards. I suggested "scintillating" as it is used in this winter ditty of mine from last year. You seem intent on buggering up my finely crafted ryhme scheme in this one.....and you do go on about it so. I shall take a measured look at it, I already know it is a naive little poem, but it has three legs so cannot wobble.
1 It was true when written so does not include fantasy or romance. Factuality wins every time.
2 it has the benefit, dubious not, of having been wrote (romantic period? Get out of here!) in situ, whilst the boy stood on the burning deck, so to speak
3 My wife likes it.
......and so does our milkman, so there.
Much of your critique will be wasted on me for the time being on this one, but not permanently. I will give myself a discrete period before taking up your offered suggestions in order to claim them as my own.There are more to be moved over from that other place which you have already mauled and I am checking you out for consistency!
Best,
Tectak
NB not "This Winter sent piercing spikes.." but "This Winter sent THE piercing spikes......."
No idea why I have capitalised winter except for the weakly implicit anthropomorphic traits like "sent", "chills" and "strides". I take your point unreservedly on this. It does not justify the capitalisation. Watch this space.
Thanks as always,

[Erthona]

OK Tom

[tectak]

OK Tom

I woke in a sweat this morning. I dreampt of mangled tenses. "This Winter" is a nightmare. I will need help. First try above. The prblem seems to be not knowing where I am standing chronologically.
Best,
Tectak

[Erthona]

"I dreampt of mangled tenses."

Like the chief who dreamed one night he was a wigwam, and the next night he was a teepee, and so on...Maybe like him you are two tents! People often have difficulty letting go of the past and staying solely in the present. However, those who have done so say they have no regrets!


"The problem seems to be not knowing where I am standing chronologically."

As it is cyclical, I'm not sure that matters, but I would suggest in the middle!

[Philatone]

hello tec
wanted to have a go at this one

This winter sent the piercing spikes; glass-brittle, hard as flint.
Not yielding to the sword of light, they daily grow...tense shifts
by inch on inch and glint on glint,
from water freed from fused, fine jewels once held as snow.
These transient gems in nature’s crown
no feeble sun can render down, ...need the comma?
this winter morn.

This winter chills the mid-day breeze until air scintillates; ..."air scintillates" I had a hard time imagining, especially in winter. maybe blame my imagination?
and from the high and bedecked boughs, encrusted white,
falls shards as ice disintegrates. ...should this be "fall" or are you using it as a transitive verb?
A glimpse, a flash, of low-noon sun through grey cloud, edged with light
though fleeting and yet promising
no comfort nor warm rapture brings,
this winter noon.


This winter strides bare fallow fields, in dark and cold they lay....considered switching the comma to a semi-colon and adding a comma after "bare"
A breath, a sigh of falling air, moves not one blade,
nor leaf, nor twig, this dying day .
Grey cloaked, the ruby, skirmished sky is set to fade,
as blood will blacken, in to night....the last three words, separated, interested me
Strong men will hunch against the bite, ...think the comma could be done away with. I like the line. that said, the lines before just strike me as being soo static
this winter eve.

This winter closed out stars above with deep and unseen cloud;
whilst down below the clamping cold held tight the land.
Then stirrred the breeze, but with no sound,
new fell the snow to layer deep, to cover and
make pure the ground in wait of spring,
that only hope alone can bring,
this winter night.

Tom Kirby Jan 2009

I think the poem could be condensed. perhaps that would sacrifice some imagery, but in a poem where there is nothing but, I don't think that is a bad thing. perhaps if the emphasis is on the different stages, it could be a series of pieces? perhaps the poem feels too constrained in its topic. it offers details which didn't offer me much meaning besides looking nice

[billy]

This winter sent the piercing spikes; glass-brittle, hard as flint.
Not yielding to the sword of light, they daily grow
by inch on inch and glint on glint,
from water freed from fused, fine jewels once held as snow.
These transient gems in nature’s crown
no feeble sun can render down,
this winter morn.

This winter chills the mid-day breeze until air scintillates;
and from the high and bedecked boughs, encrusted white,
falls shards as ice disintegrates.
A glimpse, a flash, of low-noon sun through grey cloud, edged with light
though fleeting and yet promising
no comfort nor warm rapture brings,
this winter noon.


This winter strides bare fallow fields, in dark and cold they lay.
A breath, a sigh of falling air, moves not one blade,
nor leaf, nor twig, this dying day .
Grey cloaked, the ruby, skirmished sky is set to fade,
as blood will blacken, in to night.
Strong men will hunch against the bite,
this winter eve.

This winter closed out stars above with deep and unseen cloud;
whilst down below the clamping cold held tight the land.
Then stirrred the breeze, but with no sound,
new fell the snow to layer deep, to cover and
make pure the ground in wait of spring,
that only hope alone can bring,
this winter night.

Tom Kirby Jan 2009

is there an original to compare in order to see if the edit works or no?

[tectak]

This winter sent the piercing spikes; glass-brittle, hard as flint.
Not yielding to the sword of light, they daily grow
by inch on inch and glint on glint,
from water freed from fused, fine jewels once held as snow.
These transient gems in nature’s crown
no feeble sun can render down,
this winter morn.

This winter chills the mid-day breeze until air scintillates;
and from the high and bedecked boughs, encrusted white,
falls shards as ice disintegrates.
A glimpse, a flash, of low-noon sun through grey cloud, edged with light
though fleeting and yet promising
no comfort nor warm rapture brings,
this winter noon.


This winter strides bare fallow fields, in dark and cold they lay.
A breath, a sigh of falling air, moves not one blade,
nor leaf, nor twig, this dying day .
Grey cloaked, the ruby, skirmished sky is set to fade,
as blood will blacken, in to night.
Strong men will hunch against the bite,
this winter eve.

This winter closed out stars above with deep and unseen cloud;
whilst down below the clamping cold held tight the land.
Then stirrred the breeze, but with no sound,
new fell the snow to layer deep, to cover and
make pure the ground in wait of spring,
that only hope alone can bring,
this winter night.

Tom Kirby Jan 2009

is there an original to compare in order to see if the edit works or no?

Hi Billy,
Most if not all of the changes were simple grammar improvements along with changes in capitalisation. Most, me included, seem to think there are still some tense issues. If I read it on Monday its fine, if I read it on Tuesday its not.
see what you think. The final outcome is probably more important than how it was arrived at.
Best,
tectak

[Bronte]

I like the voice yet it needs to be tempered, rework the oft used phrases and write back in the poetic. Example:
or you can ignore my tampering . But as I said I like this strong voice. It is compelling, I just want it more so.


This winter fetched in piercing spikes; glass-brittle, hardened
flint unyielding to the sword of light, they daily grow
inch on inch and glint on glint, from water freed from forces fused
fine jewels once seized as snow. These transient gems in nature’s crown
no feeble sun can render them this winter morn. This winter chills
the mid-days by-breeze until air scintillates; and from the high
bedecked boughs encrusted white, falls hard iced -disintegrate.

I puke when I read the word “shards” in poetry!

keep working on it

[tectak]

I like the voice yet it needs to be tempered, rework the oft used phrases and write back in the poetic. Example:
or you can ignore my tampering . But as I said I like this strong voice. It is compelling, I just want it more so.


This winter fetched in piercing spikes; glass-brittle, hardened
flint unyielding to the sword of light, they daily grow
inch on inch and glint on glint, from water freed from forces fused
fine jewels once seized as snow. These transient gems in nature’s crown
no feeble sun can render them this winter morn. This winter chills
the mid-days by-breeze until air scintillates; and from the high
bedecked boughs encrusted white, falls hard iced -disintegrate.

I puke when I read the word “shards” in poetry!

keep working on it

HI Bronte,
Many thanks for your comments which I have to confess I did not really understand. I guess there must be a unwritten rule somewhere which equates to "Never crit the crit", so I won't. What I will do, however, is look at some of your work to find out where you are coming from. I have to admit to puzzlement over the acute emetic response elicited by the mention of that one word which I dare not speak for fear of you going in to uncontrolled gastric convulsions I hoped that we may have a cure for poisoning here though after attempting to replicate the effect by publishing the poem on this site I am somewhat discouraged to report that I have been unable to confirm any instances of your reported result.
Accordingly, I shall revert to my usual stance of treating all criticism in the round whilst paying particular heed to commonalities.
Again,
Many thanks,
Best,
Tectak

[Bronte]

Alas there is no cure for my editing, it’s take what is offered, or keep your original in a safety deposit box. I always believe in show not tell, that that goes for both trying to write credible poetry and trying to be a critic .
My aim is to always reply with fewer words than the poem contains. And I cheat more often and will use most of the poets words . I think that’s wise don’t you? ~~~

You can find me here



http://www.tryst3.com/about.html

I still say keep working on it.

[billy]

This winter sent the piercing spikes; glass-brittle, hard as flint.
Not yielding to the sword of light, they daily grow
by inch on inch and glint on glint,
from water freed from fused, fine jewels once held as snow. feels awkward
These transient gems in nature’s crown
no feeble sun can render down,
this winter morn.

This winter chills the mid-day breeze until air scintillates;
and from the high and bedecked boughs, encrusted white,
falls shards as ice disintegrates.
A glimpse, a flash, of low-noon sun through grey cloud, edged with light is a comma needed after cloud?
though fleeting and yet promising
no comfort nor warm rapture brings,
this winter noon.


This winter strides bare fallow fields, in dark and cold they lay.
A breath, a sigh of falling air, moves not one blade,
nor leaf, nor twig, this dying day .
Grey cloaked, the ruby, skirmished sky is set to fade,
as blood will blacken, in to night.
Strong men will hunch against the bite,
this winter eve.

This winter closed out stars above with deep and unseen cloud;
whilst down below the clamping cold held tight the land.
Then stirrred the breeze, but with no sound,
new fell the snow to layer deep, to cover and
make pure the ground in wait of spring,
that only hope alone can bring,
this winter night.

Tom Kirby Jan 2009

Hi Billy,
Most if not all of the changes were simple grammar improvements along with changes in capitalisation. Most, me included, seem to think there are still some tense issues. If I read it on Monday its fine, if I read it on Tuesday its not.
see what you think. The final outcome is probably more important than how it was arrived at.
Best,
tectak

hi tom

i started leaving feedback (not that i'm any good at grammar) and what i were struck by were some comma's that felt excessive on line ends. in some places i think you could let the line end work as the comma, (as you have done with some lines already). for me some of the lines are comma heavy, but beware, it could just be my untrustworthy grammar
was stirrred meant to have 3 r's (it actually works well )

[Bronte]

hi tom

i started leaving feedback (not that i'm any good at grammar) and what i were struck by were some comma's that felt excessive on line ends. in some places i think you could let the line end work as the comma, (as you have done with some lines already). for me some of the lines are comma heavy, but beware, it could just be my untrustworthy grammar
was stirrred meant to have 3 r's (it actually works well )

You are right in that Billy. one must look at the page and how it will look printed. I find a lot just love to hang comers thick as ticks sucking the life off the way the designer must set the page.
Most writers never let this thought enter their heads about the finished product. The end of a line is a nature place to breath. I too say use everything seen and unseen to invite the reader in.

[tectak]

Alas there is no cure for my editing, it’s take what is offered, or keep your original in a safety deposit box. I always believe in show not tell, that that goes for both trying to write credible poetry and trying to be a critic .
My aim is to always reply with fewer words than the poem contains. And I cheat more often and will use most of the poets words . I think that’s wise don’t you? ~~~

You can find me here

No I cannot

http://www.tryst3.com/about.html

I still say keep working on it.

[Erthona]

One should not underestimate the effect of lineation.