The Heat

[billy]

i used a lot of the suggestions from the feedback given because it made a lot of sense for me. i did leave a bit out, i personally like the misspelling of similes. (though i could be wrong) i changed it to bitches in heat then changed it back to on heat and add an hyphen making it on-heat, thanks to everyone for their input.

I leap straight into metaphor
like a lemming into space.
Words fly and land;
splat! Flat, against a pixellated net.
My similis are oft' misspelt
unkempt; they're not dyslexic
but hectic wrote. No time to scratch
my scrote that itches
burning like an on-heat bitch,
hidden inside my pen.

original

The Heat

I jump into metaphor
like a lemming into space.
Words fly and land; splat
flat against a pixelated net.
My similis are oft' misspelt
and unkempt, not dyslexic
but hectic wrote. No time to scratch
my scroat that itches, like
some on heat bitches
hidden in my pen.

[Erthona]

Billy,

Almost funny...the pacing seems a tad slow.

Telling what you do wrong while actually doing so to create humor is iffy at best I think, because it happens concurrently and the reader has not had time to assimilate what you are saying about your writing, before he is hit with the examples. Slows everything down.
-------------------------------

I think the opening should be:

"I leap into mixed metaphor
like lemmings into space."

"Words fly and splat,
flat against a pixelated net."

Maybe use the alternate spelling "pixellated"

the rhyme of wrote and scroat seem a tad forced, however dyslexic and hectic are good rhymes, (Maybe because "scroat" seems made up. I don't doubt that it could be used as slang for balls, I have just never heard it).

I don't think it helps to misspell similes.

Maybe:

"My similes are often misspelt--unkempt,
not dyslexic, but hectic-
ly wrote. No time to scratch
my itchy scroat, burning like..."

Don't really get this:

"like some on heat bitches hidden in my pen."

Do you mean "Like some bitches in heat hidden in my pen"?

Maybe:

"burning like bitches in heat, inside my pen."

-or-

"burning like a bitch in heat,
hidden inside my pen."

-----------------------------------------
That's my take,


Dale

[tectak]

The Heat

I jump into metaphor
like a lemming into space.we are off to a romping start. Tally ho! I like it already
Words fly and land; splat
flat against a pixelated net.or " words fly and land;
splat! Flat, against the pixel net. " Just to keep the pace up
My similis are 'oft misspelt
and unkempt, not dyslexic
but hectic wrote. No time to scratch
my scroat that itches, like
some on heat bitches"on-heat" maybe?
hidden in my pen.

Yes. I like it as this is genre mirth-verse. But...... I want rhyme...all the time...this is fine...No more whine......ing from me.....Nice to see.......poetry.......full of glee......thanks billy.
Best,
Tectak

[Wildcard]

Hi Billy,
This is great! I am already thinking it might be my favorite of yours.

The Heat

I jump into metaphor --Great opening line and L2 gives a great image for me.
like a lemming into space.
Words fly and land; splat
flat against a pixelated net. --not sure what you mean exactly, but I do like the way it sounds together.
My similis are oft' misspelt --
and unkempt, not dyslexic
but hectic wrote. No time to scratch
my scroat that itches, like
some on heat bitches --Is it common to say 'on heat' where you live? I am used to hearing 'in heat', but in this case I think I would go with 'heated'
hidden in my pen.

Thanks for sharing.

[Leanne]

The Heat

I jump into metaphor -- to my reading this line seems short a beat, but adding one would make the next line too long... I thought maybe "I jump straight into metaphor/ like lemmings into space" to grab a bit more of that lovely assonance
like a lemming into space.
Words fly and land; splat
flat against a pixelated net. -- love this!
My similis are oft' misspelt -- ah, sweet irony, it's so pretty
and unkempt, not dyslexic -- to make the most of your meter, I'd be tempted to remove "and" and re-punctuate something like "unkempt; they're not dyslexic"
but hectic wrote. No time to scratch
my scroat that itches, like -- in my improper usage dictionary (the one in my head) "scrote" is the more common spelling
some on heat bitches -- I'd hyphenate "on-heat" (it's on heat here as well, I mean, not right now, but generally speaking...)
hidden in my pen. -- would "hiding" work better? I don't know either...

[billy]

yeah i know it's scrote i want to spell but for some stupid reason it always comes out as scroat.
thanks to all whose responded, after doing a read of them i can see something i can use from all of them.

mark; the screen is full of pixels and connected to the internet. pixellated net
i'll do an edit this afternoon, as i've been remiss in editing this last past few months.

[Leanne]

A scroat is a kind of weasel scrotum :p

[billy]

yeah and a scallywag hehe.

[Philatone]

will return when I have more time, but I am for the misspelling of similes myself; think it works wonderfully

[Leanne]

Nice revision billy -- and I love the tongue-in-cheek misspelling of similes, since it's obvious what you're doing.

---

haha, should have just waited a minute and then said "ditto to Geoff"

[heslopian]

I leap straight into metaphor
like a lemming into space.
Words fly and land;
splat! Flat, against a pixellated net.
My similis are oft' misspelt Should that be "similes"? I also think a comma after "misspelt" would help the flow.
unkempt; they're not dyslexic The syntax of this fragment, from the semi-colon to "wrote," is a bit weak, but the internal rhyme with "scrote" is so funny that I can just about forgive it.
but hectic wrote. No time to scratch
my scrote that itches
burning like an on-heat bitch,
hidden inside my pen. This last line feels superfluous.

Overall this is a funny and somewhat insightful poem. Thanks for the read.