Forgotten Messages

[heslopian]

First edit:
I vaguely recall an old interview
with one of the Great War's last survivors,
approaching or passing a century's life.
His simple message was that we should love.

Like all of worth I suspect it's forgot,
and if I mentioned the article now
I'd be looked at as though I'd said I'm the Pope,
and that daffodils taunt me in French.

I hope the old boy died thinking his message would last,
and feeling at least that his family heard.
I picture them shrouded in white loveliness,
not quite understanding this strange miracle.

Original:
I vaguely recall an old interview
with one of the Great War's last survivors,
approaching or passing a century's life.
His simple message was that we should love.

Like all of worth I suspect it's forgot,
and if I mentioned the article now
I'd be looked at as though I'd said I'm the Pope,
and that daffodils taunt me in French.

I hope the old boy died thinking his message would last,
and feeling at least that his family heard.
I picture them shrouded in white loveliness,
not quite understanding this strange miracle,

that woodlands of love can blossom from shit.

[Erthona]

Somehow this seems covered in Teflon, my understanding keeps sliding off. Anyone speaking French taunts, it's endemic to the language, although I do like the line. Maybe it's because I am old, but I am not astounded that a WWI survivor should come to this conclusion if he lives long enough. Sorry Jack, I just don't see the significance that you seem to allude to.

Dale

[rayheinrich]

What are the odds that the first two comments would come
from reprobate daffodils? (Oh, right, this is pigpen.)

Try changing the poem to one about unworth that ain't forgot and
be sure and work in: "and that daffodils taunt me in French".
I agree with repro#1 above, it's a great line.

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback, guys

[billy]

I vaguely recall an old interview
with one of the Great War's last survivors,
approaching or passing a century's life.
His simple message was that we should love.

Like all of worth I suspect it's forgot,
and if I mentioned the article now
I'd be looked at as though I'd said I'm the Pope,
and that daffodils taunt me in French.

I hope the old boy died thinking his message would last,
and feeling at least that his family heard.
I picture them shrouded in white loveliness,
not quite understanding this strange miracle,

that woodlands of love can blossom from shit.

the last line doesn't work at all for me. feels right out of character.
the daff line was great. the last line of the 1st stanza feels weak.
the rest of poem had a light nostalgic feel to it as seen by the writer's POV. i enjoyed it

thanks for the read.

[tectak]

I vaguely recall an old interview
with one of the Great War's last survivors,
approaching or passing a century's life.
His simple message was that we should love.

Like all of worth I suspect it's forgot,
and if I mentioned the article now
I'd be looked at as though I'd said I'm the Pope,
and that daffodils taunt me in French.

I hope the old boy died thinking his message would last,
and feeling at least that his family heard.
I picture them shrouded in white loveliness,
not quite understanding this strange miracle,

that woodlands of love can blossom from shit.

the last line doesn't work at all for me. feels right out of character.
the daff line was great. the last line of the 1st stanza feels weak.
the rest of poem had a light nostalgic feel to it as seen by the writer's POV. i enjoyed it

thanks for the read.

Change the last line, then I will bother to crit it.....which rhymes with something gratuitous.
Best,
Tectak

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback, Billy
Thanks also for your comment, tectak, but with all due respect feedback doesn't work that way. The critic offers his opinion on the piece, and then the writer decides whether he'll use it to improve his work. I don't think a critic should demand this and that and withhold further commentary unless the writer complies. If you can't be bothered to give me feedback, that's your perogative and I'll respect it.

[rayheinrich]

Thanks for your feedback, Billy
Thanks also for your comment, tectak, but with all due respect feedback doesn't work that way. The critic offers his opinion on the piece, and then the writer decides whether he'll use it to improve his work. I don't think a critic should demand this and that and withhold further commentary unless the writer complies. If you can't be bothered to give me feedback, that's your perogative and I'll respect it.

While it may not be that politic, saying you'd bother to critque a poem
further if certain changes were made is at least honest and does, i think,
provide a bit of critical insight. Besides, no matter how it is stated,
you're still totally free to act on or ignore whatever advice you get.

P.S. Maybe someone should start a discussion topic on why summation
lines are so universally reviled. i(I), for one, just hate them. But, in all
honesty, there seems to be an irrational element to it. Maybe i harbor
an unreasoning prejudice against them that, if overcome, would render
them beautiful, or, at least, innocuous. Must stop, running low on commas.

[heslopian]

I can't deny that I at least derived from tectak's comment that he doesn't like my closing line, which is feedback in itself. My problem was that his comment seemed less like advice and more like a demand.
Summation lines are my heroin. I've been struggling with them for years. I hate them in other people's poems, but when it comes to my own I often find it hard to not wrap them in a pretty pink bow at the end.
I will remove the closing line. Thanks, Ray. I didn't even consciously register that the closing line was a summation until I read your comment

[tectak]

I can't deny that I at least derived from tectak's comment that he doesn't like my closing line, which is feedback in itself. My problem was that his comment seemed less like advice and more like a demand.
Summation lines are my heroin. I've been struggling with them for years. I hate them in other people's poems, but when it comes to my own I often find it hard to not wrap them in a pretty pink bow at the end.
I will remove the closing line. Thanks, Ray. I didn't even consciously register that the closing line was a summation until I read your comment

A result then
Best,
Tectak
PS It did sound like a demand. Right out of character for me. That is how the last line affected my judgement. In my defense, I can only say that we all, and I mean all those who "bother" at all, do make a contractual offer when putting forward a critique. It really is up to the poet to decide whether to accept the terms. Sorry. Billy, I will stop now. Wrong place for this.

[Erthona]

I would say that when someone makes such a comment as "Change the last line, then I will bother to crit it" , it says that the last line so ruined the poem, there is no point in critiquing it. Personally I think that is an accurate assessment, without the last line the poem takes on a completely different feel, and certainly one that is less condescending.

Dale