I miss the scent of city girls

[tectak]

Edit 1 in progress aided by aptly named todd and latterly philatone

I miss the scent of city girls: cold nights, dark streets, fast food, gas lights.
I like the girl who wraps herself in a thick-cloth coat and a woolly hat,
that hints of coffee and polluted air and if you  kiss and draw her in
her whole day lingers on her breath; milky latte, quickly taken,
emotive  as  a moist, warm breast exposed to chill night breeze.

I miss the risk of misconstruance; that slipping, cautious, certain sign
from  one shared  cigarette. You light two and she takes one….
but she  does not inhale. Open mouthed then lips tight-pressed,
white pleasure plumes and fabric permeates. Then you stop,
just for one moment; a trick you know so well.

You draw her close. She lets you take  her round the waist. Her hair is in your face
and you  suck deep, draw back then gently place your yearning cigarette between her lips.
Before the smoke has gone....a kiss: and while the intimate exhalation swirls,
you slip  a hand, an arm, but slowly, under her shalloon shield.
Soft buttons pop, warm comfort yours, and with faintly murmured word,
she lets you in.

I miss the scent of city girls, that hint of  baking bread and Danish spice.
The  city girl  who shares with others, a flat above a  bakery; and wakes at four a.m.
when up through  loose, bare boards comes early  yeast-filled streams that dream her day awake.
She bathes in turn, in a cold, damp room where black and smoking the gas flame lives;
it shares the  grubby, gurgling boiler with  city water, the chemical cologne of  her fresh washed hair.
Her tresses frizz  in the khamsin blast from the turbo-fan, stylising and  instant drying.

Her deodorant spray ( should  last a day ) will die some time in the afternoon (and then she is mine).  
She dresses from a wooden chest , lined with paper of  crumbling napthalene blooms,
then quickly paints her daytime face of eyes wide-open, lips plasticised and glossy red.
Each morning she stops at the corner café and picks a croissant, torn open, yet too hot to hold.
Her  coffee arrives, though a little colder, still on its surface she  pursed-lip blows.

Her perfume, raw from lack of purpose, joins gladly with the steamy  sweetness;
up it goes into her complex cocktail, into her cassolette.
Then you are lost in the city with a city girl.  

Tectak August 2011

[Todd]

Hi Tectak,

A lot in this one. Let me try to give you some comments hopefully they will be helpful in some way.

First, I love the title. Since scent is so connected to memory it lends itself well to the conceit of the poem. It's a highly creative approach. Let's move to the lines themselves:

I miss the scent of city girls: cold nights, dark streets, fast food, gas lights.--This could just be me but rather than a list it might be interesting if you could draw out what the smell of a cold night is, or a dark street, fast food sort of carries its own smell, but still what does the neon sign smell like as it hangs above the gas pumps. The idea of the essence of a city hanging on a woman like an urban perfume is a really great idea. I'd encourage you to consider establishing it more in this line. Just a thought
I like the girl who wraps herself in a thick-cloth coat and a woolly hat,
that hints of coffee and polluted air and if you  kiss and draw her in--love these lines. They could almost substitute for your first line (keeping your city smells introductory phrase). I like the mention of drawing her in (you picture both an embrace and an act of deeply inhaling)
her whole day lingers on her breath; milky latte, quickly taken,
emotive  as  a moist, warm breast exposed to chill night wind.--This is why I enjoy other people's styles. I wouldn't normally ever consider line lengths like this I'd be doing a break after exposed but I really would not recommend that to you. There's something about the longer lines that gives the sense of a gourmet sitting at a table savoring a meal--there's a lavishness to it. These lines are also excellent. The simily of the breast, the whole day lingering on her breath...really good. No nits from me.

I miss the risk of misconstruance; that slipping, cautious, certain sign--I've never heard misconstruance used as a word--never that tense. It could be my lack of familiarity with the word but it did pull me out of the line. I'd be tempted to simplify with "I miss the risk; that slipping..."
from  one shared  cigarette. You light two and she takes one….
but she  does not inhale.Open mouthed then lips tight pressed,--reads smoothly though I don't think you need the second "she". "tight pressed" is inverted from what I'd expect but not awkward
white pleasure plumes and fabric permeates. Then you stop,--I like white pleasure plumes, but I don't think fabric conveys enough on its own
just for one moment; a trick you know so well.--The line is good in that you make it more personal and draw the reader in more closely

You draw her close.She lets you take  her round the waist. Her hair is in your face--extra space after take (minor typo) Again on a shorter line or with a rewrite a break after "take her" would be interesting. It may not be worth restructuring though--just an option. You may be able to come up with something better than "is in". It works but there is probably a word that will convey more for you
and you  suck deep,draw back then gently place your yearning cigarette between her lips.--minor typo space after the comma after deep. This is the first time that draw started to feel overused to me. I had to think about it for a bit but I decided I do like "yearning cigarette"
Before the smoke has gone....a kiss. And while the intimate exhalation swirls,--Could just be me but I don't like the construction of your first phrase. Maybe, reverse it: "A kiss...before the smoke has gone" Intimate seems to leading here perhaps consider cutting it
you slip  a hand, an arm, but slowly, through her outer fabric shield.--outer fabric sheild seems too clinical. It may work better if you are moving through the clothing AND different layers of smells associated with those layers. I also don't think you need the but (though that's debatable).
Soft buttons pop, warm comfort yours, and with faintly murmured word, --I love soft buttons pop...just love it. I'm not as fond of the "yours" or the "and" it feels like there's an artical missing after the with...with a perhaps
she lets you in.

I miss the scent of city girls, that whiff of  baking bread and  fruity Danish spice.--love this
The  city girl  who shares with “others”, a flat above a  bakery, and wakes at four a.m.
as up through  loose bare boards comes early  yeast-filled streams that dream her day awake.--I keep wanting the yeast-filled streams leading this line (i.e., "as yeast-filled streams come early up...) In any case, it's a nice addition to the bakery reference
She bathes in turn, in a cold, damp room where black and smoking the gas flame lives,--I think you could pull a more specific smell out of cold, damp. That said, the "where black and smoking...lives" phrasing is wonderful
which shares the  grubby, gurgling boiler with  city water; the chemical cologne of  her fresh washed hair.--love the sounds. I like these lines quite a bit. Cologne works but you might be able to tease another specific smell out of it and use that smell as a replacement.
Her tresses frizz  in the khamsin blast from the turbo-fan, stylising and  instant drying.--minor typo extra space after frizz and before turbo-fan. Okay, khamsin blast is so good that I'm happy I read the poem for it. Love that addition

Her deodorant spray ( should  last a day ) will die some time in the afternoon (and then she is mine).--playful, really nice  
She dresses from a wooden chest , lined with paper of  crumbling napthalene blooms,
then quickly paints her daytime face of eyes wide-open, lips plasticised and glossy red.--one of my favorite lines in the poem
Each morning she stops at the corner café and picks a croissant, torn open, yet too hot to hold.
Her  coffee arrives, though a little colder, still on its surface she  pursed-lip blows.--again minor typo extra space after she...I love your inverted pursed-lip. It's like the earlier inversion. Nothing awkward just interesting. It make the line pop

Her perfume, raw from lack of purpose, joins gladly with the steamy  sweetness;--You could find something less vague than sweetness. Minor typo extra space after steamy. The raw from lack of purpose is a fantastic addition.
up it goes into her complex cocktail, into her cassolette.
Then you are lost in the city with a city girl.--The ending lines tie everything back together. Cassolette is a great word. That said, you could cut it if you wanted and expand on the type of cocktail...tie a smell in, and close with your last line...The cocktail has a more urban feel to it to me 

Tectak August 2011

I'm not trying to point out every space I realize that's minor. I just wanted to draw your attention to it. That said, brilliant work. I don't think I would have ever arrived at anything like it. I love the long lines, the feel of them. My main critique would be to look at the words that are more general and try to go a little deeper with specific smells. It's a good poem as is, but that might push it higher (in my opinion).

I enjoyed the read. Thanks.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

Hi Tectak,

A lot in this one. Let me try to give you some comments hopefully they will be helpful in some way.

First, I love the title. Since scent is so connected to memory it lends itself well to the conceit of the poem. It's a highly creative approach. Let's move to the lines themselves:

I miss the scent of city girls: cold nights, dark streets, fast food, gas lights.--This could just be me but rather than a list it might be interesting if you could draw out what the smell of a cold night is, or a dark street, fast food sort of carries its own smell, but still what does the neon sign smell like as it hangs above the gas pumps. The idea of the essence of a city hanging on a woman like an urban perfume is a really great idea. I'd encourage you to consider establishing it more in this line. Just a thought
I like the girl who wraps herself in a thick-cloth coat and a woolly hat,
that hints of coffee and polluted air and if you  kiss and draw her in--love these lines. They could almost substitute for your first line (keeping your city smells introductory phrase). I like the mention of drawing her in (you picture both an embrace and an act of deeply inhaling)
her whole day lingers on her breath; milky latte, quickly taken,
emotive  as  a moist, warm breast exposed to chill night wind.--This is why I enjoy other people's styles. I wouldn't normally ever consider line lengths like this I'd be doing a break after exposed but I really would not recommend that to you. There's something about the longer lines that gives the sense of a gourmet sitting at a table savoring a meal--there's a lavishness to it. These lines are also excellent. The simily of the breast, the whole day lingering on her breath...really good. No nits from me.

I miss the risk of misconstruance; that slipping, cautious, certain sign--I've never heard misconstruance used as a word--never that tense. It could be my lack of familiarity with the word but it did pull me out of the line. I'd be tempted to simplify with "I miss the risk; that slipping..."
from  one shared  cigarette. You light two and she takes one….
but she  does not inhale.Open mouthed then lips tight pressed,--reads smoothly though I don't think you need the second "she". "tight pressed" is inverted from what I'd expect but not awkward
white pleasure plumes and fabric permeates. Then you stop,--I like white pleasure plumes, but I don't think fabric conveys enough on its own
just for one moment; a trick you know so well.--The line is good in that you make it more personal and draw the reader in more closely

You draw her close.She lets you take  her round the waist. Her hair is in your face--extra space after take (minor typo) Again on a shorter line or with a rewrite a break after "take her" would be interesting. It may not be worth restructuring though--just an option. You may be able to come up with something better than "is in". It works but there is probably a word that will convey more for you
and you  suck deep,draw back then gently place your yearning cigarette between her lips.--minor typo space after the comma after deep. This is the first time that draw started to feel overused to me. I had to think about it for a bit but I decided I do like "yearning cigarette"
Before the smoke has gone....a kiss. And while the intimate exhalation swirls,--Could just be me but I don't like the construction of your first phrase. Maybe, reverse it: "A kiss...before the smoke has gone" Intimate seems to leading here perhaps consider cutting it
you slip  a hand, an arm, but slowly, through her outer fabric shield.--outer fabric sheild seems too clinical. It may work better if you are moving through the clothing AND different layers of smells associated with those layers. I also don't think you need the but (though that's debatable).
Soft buttons pop, warm comfort yours, and with faintly murmured word, --I love soft buttons pop...just love it. I'm not as fond of the "yours" or the "and" it feels like there's an artical missing after the with...with a perhaps
she lets you in.

I miss the scent of city girls, that whiff of  baking bread and  fruity Danish spice.--love this
The  city girl  who shares with “others”, a flat above a  bakery, and wakes at four a.m.
as up through  loose bare boards comes early  yeast-filled streams that dream her day awake.--I keep wanting the yeast-filled streams leading this line (i.e., "as yeast-filled streams come early up...) In any case, it's a nice addition to the bakery reference
She bathes in turn, in a cold, damp room where black and smoking the gas flame lives,--I think you could pull a more specific smell out of cold, damp. That said, the "where black and smoking...lives" phrasing is wonderful
which shares the  grubby, gurgling boiler with  city water; the chemical cologne of  her fresh washed hair.--love the sounds. I like these lines quite a bit. Cologne works but you might be able to tease another specific smell out of it and use that smell as a replacement.
Her tresses frizz  in the khamsin blast from the turbo-fan, stylising and  instant drying.--minor typo extra space after frizz and before turbo-fan. Okay, khamsin blast is so good that I'm happy I read the poem for it. Love that addition

Her deodorant spray ( should  last a day ) will die some time in the afternoon (and then she is mine).--playful, really nice  
She dresses from a wooden chest , lined with paper of  crumbling napthalene blooms,
then quickly paints her daytime face of eyes wide-open, lips plasticised and glossy red.--one of my favorite lines in the poem
Each morning she stops at the corner café and picks a croissant, torn open, yet too hot to hold.
Her  coffee arrives, though a little colder, still on its surface she  pursed-lip blows.--again minor typo extra space after she...I love your inverted pursed-lip. It's like the earlier inversion. Nothing awkward just interesting. It make the line pop

Her perfume, raw from lack of purpose, joins gladly with the steamy  sweetness;--You could find something less vague than sweetness. Minor typo extra space after steamy. The raw from lack of purpose is a fantastic addition.
up it goes into her complex cocktail, into her cassolette.
Then you are lost in the city with a city girl.--The ending lines tie everything back together. Cassolette is a great word. That said, you could cut it if you wanted and expand on the type of cocktail...tie a smell in, and close with your last line...The cocktail has a more urban feel to it to me 

Tectak August 2011

I'm not trying to point out every space I realize that's minor. I just wanted to draw your attention to it. That said, brilliant work. I don't think I would have ever arrived at anything like it. I love the long lines, the feel of them. My main critique would be to look at the words that are more general and try to go a little deeper with specific smells. It's a good poem as is, but that might push it higher (in my opinion).

I enjoyed the read. Thanks.

Best,

Todd

Hi Todd and many thanks. I have made astart on the edit and you shall be be credited appropriately. I came up with a cracker, I have a lot to be modest about, after your suggestion of layered clothing. It is incorporated in edit 1 above. Thanks again.
Best,
Tectak
PS Count the scents in the piece. I get 16. This poem stinks

[Philatone]

hey tec; haven't seen todd's extensive suggestions, but what I saw so far....

Edit 1 in progress aided by aptly named todd

I miss the scent of city girls: cold nights, dark streets, fast food, gas lights. ...I was pretty grabbed by the intro; I think the opening is strong. however, why "scent" with "cold nights" and "dark streets?" Something specific would have been nice, like "heater vents"; even "fast food" and "gas" offer more of a connection
I like the girl who wraps herself in a thick-cloth coat and a woolly hat,..."thick-cloth coat" is wonderful. I debated removing the hyphen; I think thick is strong enough to stand on its own. it's a section I wanted slowed down, not sped up; something thick shouldn't be stumbled over rapidly
that hints of coffee and polluted air and if you  kiss and draw her in ..interesting juxtaposition, coffee and polluted air
her whole day lingers on her breath; milky latte, quickly taken,
emotive  as  a moist, warm breast exposed to chill night breeze....I like the concept of keeping your whole day on your breath

I miss the risk of misconstruance; that slipping, cautious, certain sign..i like the sounds, but felt the line was carried by them a little too heavily
from  one shared  cigarette. You light two and she takes one…...the ellipsis did little for me, which is a shame because i liked the "You light two..."
but she  does not inhale.Open mouthed then lips tight pressed, ...stumbled on grammar/ punctuation. "tightly" maybe? feels like more of an adverb, describing pressed. did you want another comma, maybe after "mouthed"? just curious
white pleasure plumes and fabric permeates. Then you stop, ...nice enjambment
just for one moment; a trick you know so well. ...an idea: how about moving "You draw her close" to this stanza, starting the next with "She lets you..."?

You draw her close. She lets you take  her round the waist. Her hair is in your face
and you  suck deep, draw back then gently place your yearning cigarette between her lips. ...again probably a personal issue, this was a scene that I felt could be sped up a little bit. lots of little details. between the "suck deep" and "draw back", I already get a sense of hesitation
Before the smoke has gone....a kiss.: and while the intimate ...I like the ellipsis with smoke--I think that works well. I may be getting crazy, but I wanted a different letter before the ellipsis, like an s, to reiterate the sense of vanishing that "smoke" has. I tried, for instance, "Before the smoke leaves...." exhalation swirls,
you slip  a hand, an arm, but slowly, under her shalloon shield.
Soft buttons pop, warm comfort yours, and with faintly murmured word,
she lets you in....the "pop" is great

I miss the scent of city girls, that whiff of  baking bread and  fruity Danish spice. ...I didn't need the "fruity"; I think "Danish spice" alone is great
The  city girl  who shares with “others”, a flat above a  bakery, and wakes at four a.m....commas needed?
as up through  loose bare boards comes early  yeast-filled streams that dream her day awake. ...I like the idea here more than the execution. "as up through" is slightly clunky with three consecutive words that don't deliver a lot of physical content. also, watch subject-verb agreement--"comes" to "come"---> that may have led to my some of my issues with the line, though I don't think it captures everything
She bathes in turn, in a cold, damp room where black and smoking the gas flame lives...played with moving "the gas flame lives" to after "where"
and shares the  grubby, gurgling boiler with  city water ...really like "city water"--in general, and in the piece ; the chemical cologne of  her fresh washed hair.
Her tresses frizz  in the khamsin blast from the turbo-fan, stylising and  instant drying. ...not sure how I feel about them yet, but a lot of participial adjectives and -ings in general

Her deodorant spray ( should  last a day ) will die some time in the afternoon (and then she is mine).  ...the "should last a day" did little for me
She dresses from a wooden chest , lined with paper of  crumbling napthalene blooms,
then quickly paints her daytime face of eyes wide-open, lips plasticised and glossy red.
Each morning she stops at the corner café and picks a croissant, torn open, yet too hot to hold.
Her  coffee arrives, though a little colder, still on its surface she  pursed-lip blows....played with removing the "her" before "coffee"

Her perfume, raw from lack of purpose, joins gladly with the steamy  sweetness; ...the "lack of purpose" felt a little out of place in a poem so full of more exact and precise descriptions
up it goes into her complex cocktail, into her cassolette.
Then you are lost in the city with a city girl.  

Tectak August 2011

it's a style I don't engage in often myself, very heavy with details and adjectives. That being said, I think everything really reinforces the theme, topic, and needs of the piece. I hope at least a few of these suggestions will be of service to you; it was a good read

[Erthona]

Ah yes, this one I have sent before, with neither coffee or cream lingering on my breath.

Dale

[popeye]

Loved this one tectak, fast food and gas lights seems a bit incongruous unless of course you mean gas lights as coming from gas cookers at street stalls, but having said that it does sound more romantic than electric or neon lights. Thanks for the read.

[tectak]

Loved this one tectak, fast food and gas lights seems a bit incongruous unless of course you mean gas lights as coming from gas cookers at street stalls, but having said that it does sound more romantic than electric or neon lights. Thanks for the read.

You know, you are absolutely right about the gas lights. Though it is still correct that parts of London, where this poem is located, were lit by gas lamps, unless you were aware if this you would be inclined to think I was chronologically challenged!
The poem was a nostalgic throw back to the mid sixties. Wandsworth Bridge and Covent Garden (still lit by gas street lamps today) the setting. On cold nights the unburnt gas from the lamps dropped on contact with the cold glass and if you were standing below, which many did, the stench was memorable. Covent garden had a plethora of eateries which chucked out the fast food of the era, usually involving deep frying, and this scent ,too, became emotive.
BUT, if you are under 30, live in Guatemala, or have never looked up, I can see your puzzlement.
The idea of the piece was to pack in as many scent-stimulated references as possible without it becoming boringly obvious. This is why I disavowed Todd his reference to the smell of neon lights! They just don't have a smell! City girls do.
Thanks for your kind words.
Best,
Tectak

[popeye]

Well I definitely come from parts remote, could only wish to be under thirty and am guilty of not checking my facts! So thank you kindly for the update tectak, it's added to my enjoyment of a beaut poem. Never too late to learn! Smells by Christopher Morley has been a favorite of mine since school. Cheers.