New age

[tectak]

NEW AGE edit 534,256,437b
We will to angry days come old and sour,
so write a lasting note from you to me;
and let the ink, sure fading, mark this hour,
the date, the second yet, whilst we can see.
The future, though still ours, no glory holds;
yet happy, carefree, unconcerned were we.
For all the stealth with which our time unfolds
we cannot lose the past from which we flee.
Read then the note when comes that fateful day,
that on us lays its heavy crippling hand,
that breaks our backs and turns our thin hair grey:
we saw it coming, yet we made our stand.

TK 1999

[Erthona]

I simply refuse to critique this until you correct the technical problems, which I will not mention as that would be a critique!
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Rhyming couplets and two more lines and you would have had a sonnet!
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There seem to be a few tense problems. I have tried to point out and make suggestion on problematic areas, but until you settle on a tense, that is difficult at best and more than not pointless. Probably future perfect tense would be the best choice, which allows you to talk as from the past about things in the future as though thay had already happened. Whichever one that is.
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"Our future, though ahead, no glory holds;
yet happy, carefree, unconcerned (are) we."

or

"Our future, though ahead, no glory (held);
yet happy, carefree, unconcerned were we."

-------------------

Lose instead of "loose"?

"we cannot lose the past from which we flee"

Or, "the past, from which we flee cannot be cut loose." A difficult usage regardless. If you are trying to say it like "loose the dogs" I have no idea how to do that, but what you have doesn't do it.
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"we knew it’s (it is) coming, yet we made our stand."

"we knew it was coming..."

or

"we know it is coming, yet we make our stand"
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There are some nice insights and clever phrases here, but they are currently getting buried under the tense problem.

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I think "heavy" or " crippling" but not both. I do like the following line, "that breaks our backs and turns our thin hair grey".

also "For all the stealth with which our time unfolds".

I like this whole phrase but maybe it should be one sentence instead of two.
"We will to angry days come old and sour,
so write a lasting note from you to me,
and let the ink, sure fading, mark this hour,
the date, the second yet, whilst we can see!"
-----------------------------------------------

Thirteen years now gone,
a time then so very long,
do the same thoughts hold sway,
as back then, so too, today?
-------------------------------------------------

32 views, so it would seem,
I guess no one but me,
wanted to be mean.

Regardless, I think with a tad of tightening, and getting your tense ducks in a row, you could have a spiffy little number here.

Dale

[tectak]

I simply refuse to critique this until you correct the technical problems, which I will not mention as that would be a critique!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------


Rhyming couplets and two more lines and you would have had a sonnet!
----------------------------------------------------------------------

There seem to be a few tense problems. I have tried to point out and make suggestion on problematic areas, but until you settle on a tense, that is difficult at best and more than not pointless. Probably future perfect tense would be the best choice, which allows you to talk as from the past about things in the future as though thay had already happened. Whichever one that is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"Our future, though ahead, no glory holds;
yet happy, carefree, unconcerned (are) we."

or

"Our future, though ahead, no glory (held);
yet happy, carefree, unconcerned were we."

-------------------

Lose instead of "loose"?

"we cannot lose the past from which we flee"

Or, "the past, from which we flee cannot be cut loose." A difficult usage regardless. If you are trying to say it like "loose the dogs" I have no idea how to do that, but what you have doesn't do it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
"we knew it’s (it is) coming, yet we made our stand."

"we knew it was coming..."

or

"we know it is coming, yet we make our stand"
--------------------------------------------------

There are some nice insights and clever phrases here, but they are currently getting buried under the tense problem.

--------------------------------------------------

I think "heavy" or " crippling" but not both. I do like the following line, "that breaks our backs and turns our thin hair grey".

also "For all the stealth with which our time unfolds".

I like this whole phrase but maybe it should be one sentence instead of two.
"We will to angry days come old and sour,
so write a lasting note from you to me,
and let the ink, sure fading, mark this hour,
the date, the second yet, whilst we can see!"
-----------------------------------------------

Thirteen years now gone,
a time then so very long,
do the same thoughts hold sway,
as back then, so too, today?
-------------------------------------------------

32 views, so it would seem,
I guess no one but me,
wanted to be mean.

Regardless, I think with a tad of tightening, and getting your tense ducks in a row, you could have a spiffy little number here.

Dale

Shit...and there am I was thought it were perfect. Wrote this to wife, kind of a love poem mid-life crisis. She said the tenses were all shot to bits. Filed it. Only got it out for a comparison with yours. Thanks for all above. I will put it right and give it to her again in ten years time.......but I'll sign it erthona.
Best,
Tectak

[Leanne]

NEW AGE
We will to angry days come old and sour, -- now, I know there's a school of thought that loves inverting syntax in formal poetry, but I don't subscribe when "to angry days we will come old and sour" is perfectly iambic and not mangled!
so write a lasting note from you to me.
And let the ink, sure fading, mark this hour,
the date, the second yet, whilst we can see. -- yet and whilst, though not incorrect, are filler words and I think you're missing an opportunity for a strong image here
Our future, though ahead, no glory holds; -- aargh, inversions! I'll leave it alone... except to say that of course the future is ahead, there must be a nice adjective you could use instead
yet happy, carefree, unconcerned were we. -- now in this line, the inversion works well -- I'm not against them altogether, you see!
For all the stealth with which our time unfolds
we cannot loose the past from which we flee. -- a couple more whiches and you'd have the cast of Macbeth...
Read then the note when comes that day, -- this line's lost a foot!
that on us lays its heavy crippling hand, -- to avoid the syntax issues that are starting to convolute this quite a bit, you could consider "that crushes us with heavy, crippling hand" or some such, adding a bit of action
that breaks our backs and turns our thin hair grey:
we knew it’s coming, yet we made our stand. -- "knew" seems the wrong word here to my reading, what about simply "saw" or "heard"?

TK 1999

Good morrow, sir! I shall momentarily share with you a superior snigger on the "rhyming couplets" issue before suggesting that (despite your rhyme scheme being perfectly correct) it wouldn't actually be a bad idea to stick another couple of lines in there if you fancy it -- the closing lines as they stand are fine, of course, but it could handle a nice summative couplet.

PS. I didn't have any problems with tenses... maybe it's just that I'm warped...

[tectak]

NEW AGE
We will to angry days come old and sour, -- now, I know there's a school of thought that loves inverting syntax in formal poetry, but I don't subscribe when "to angry days we will come old and sour" is perfectly iambic and not mangled!
so write a lasting note from you to me.
And let the ink, sure fading, mark this hour,
the date, the second yet, whilst we can see. -- yet and whilst, though not incorrect, are filler words and I think you're missing an opportunity for a strong image here
Our future, though ahead, no glory holds; -- aargh, inversions! I'll leave it alone... except to say that of course the future is ahead, there must be a nice adjective you could use instead
yet happy, carefree, unconcerned were we. -- now in this line, the inversion>< works well -- I'm not against them altogether, you see!
For all the stealth with which our time unfolds
we cannot loose the past from which we flee. -- a couple more whiches and you'd have the cast of Macbeth...
Read then the note when comes that day, -- this line's lost a foot!
that on us lays its heavy crippling hand, -- to avoid the syntax issues that are starting to convolute this quite a bit, you could consider "that crushes us with heavy, crippling hand" or some such, adding a bit of action
that breaks our backs and turns our thin hair grey:
we knew it’s coming, yet we made our stand. -- "knew" seems the wrong word here to my reading, what about simply "saw" or "heard"?

TK 1999

Good morrow, sir! I shall momentarily share with you a superior snigger on the "rhyming couplets" issue before suggesting that (despite your rhyme scheme being perfectly correct) it wouldn't actually be a bad idea to stick another couple of lines in there if you fancy it -- the closing lines as they stand are fine, of course, but it could handle a nice summative couplet.

PS. I didn't have any problems with tenses... maybe it's just that I'm warped...

To all.
Thanks as always. Some comments I will immediately act upon. Some may need a ponder. Some I disagree with. To erthona. Yes to the single sentence. No to the lose/loose . "Lose" as in shake off when trying to escape a pursuer. Obviously
Yet, then and whilst CAN be filler words but should not be disavowed on that ground. They have real meaning. Whilst I do not wholly disagree,yet am tempted to do so, I do, then, say thanks, but no thanks leanne, agree re. the future future. I will work on it.
Summation couplet, Aunty Sonnet, is enough,I think. The word "knew" implies a certain pre-acceptance which "saw" and"heard" do not impart. Old age gets you that way. Oh,bugger. I will change it anyway.
Incidentally, "whilst we can see" implies "whilst we still can see"....but you got that, yes?
Best,
Tectak

[Leanne]

Not a bad revision, but L9 is still short a whole iamb and that's just being stingy :p

[Erthona]

"No to the lose/loose ." Yes, I see you corrected that.

[tectak]

Not a bad revision, but L9 is still short a whole iamb and that's just being stingy :p

Oh, all right. Bloody Ozzy purist

[Leanne]

There now, look how much nicer that is

[tectak]

There now, look how much nicer that is

Yes yes. OK. How much do I owe you?

[Leanne]

Depends. How much does a Grecian urn?

[billy]

NEW AGE edit 534,256,437b i thought this was the first line for an age
We will to angry days come old and sour for some reason New age and this line doesn't work, i think it's the yoda speak
so write a lasting note from you to me;
and let the ink, sure fading, mark this hour,
the date, the second yet, whilst we can see.
The future, though still ours, no glory holds; again here
yet happy, carefree, unconcerned were we.
For all the stealth with which our time unfolds
we cannot lose the past from which we flee.
Read then the note when comes that fateful day,
that on us lays its heavy crippling hand,
that breaks our backs and turns our thin hair grey:
we saw it coming, yet we made our stand.

TK 1999 this would have made a great cryptic last line hehe

there's a fair bit of period language in the poem which can be good in near sonnets (or full ones) but for me the title sort of gets smacked around with it's use. that said i bloody love it. i see that the title doesn't mean NOW bit i automatically take it to be that. (which could just be a me thing). the content is almost beauteous because of the love note come time capsule.
the 'second yet' is actually the 1st of three which makes at least one of them feel a bit of a connivance. the last 4 lines are poignant, for me it's a sweet love poem. (and while i did see your remark in passing, it's truly what i see without being told) sorry for not responding sooner, i was away (jmo)
thanks for the read