Our Local Business
#1
Aspire she did, she did; she did aspire
To be, to be, to be.

Inspire she did, she did; she did inspire
To love, to love, to love

Around the lanes, the lanes; the lanes around
She went, and went, and went

Along the shore, the shore; the shore along
She strode, she strode, she strode.

Beneath the cliffs, the cliffs; the cliffs beneath
Is Sea, is Sea, is Sea.

Of clouds she dreamed, she dreamed; she dreamed of clouds
And sky, and sky, and sky.

Her home she loves, she loves;she loves her home
And will, and will, and will.



( It occurred to me that this in its way relates to the thread about rhyming. Not new.)
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#2
I'm gonna put it in my signature: 'I suck at poetry. Forgive me for my ignorance.' So I don't have to keep typing it :p Anyway, I don't get what you are doing here and I'd like to ask questions, but I'm not even sure what to ask.

Why repeat so many words? It makes my head hurt a little when I look at it- not to mention that the whole poem is like ten words long if you take out the repetition. I saw that you used a consistent meter broken at the fifth foot . . .

As to the theme . . .

a good person (aspirator and an inspiration)
got around (or was known around)
near the water with cliffs above
she dreams of clouds and sky

Our Local Business . . . Huh
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#3
(02-25-2012, 12:38 AM)Mark Wrote:  I'm gonna put it in my signature: 'I suck at poetry. Forgive me for my ignorance.' So I don't have to keep typing it :p Anyway, I don't get what you are doing here and I'd like to ask questions, but I'm not even sure what to ask.

Why repeat so many words? It makes my head hurt a little when I look at it- not to mention that the whole poem is like ten words long if you take out the repetition. I saw that you used a consistent meter broken at the fifth foot . . .

As to the theme . . .

a good person (aspirator and an inspiration)
got around (or was known around)
near the water with cliffs above
she dreams of clouds and sky

Our Local Business . . . Huh

Mark,

First thank you for looking let alone commenting. As to the title, it made sense once, but only to me, and when I posted this in Another Place, a gang of people thought I was describing a prostitute, because of the title---instead of the rather touching affair, with a woman, who lives in a pretty little sea-side town, with teenage children, who, naturally, would always come first. So you got it.

More tricky is to explain all the repetition. To me, it sounded fresh, and would have been worth it regardless of any content. But I can easily see that to other ears, it may simply jar. In a way, it is a pity that you found it tiresome, not for the sake of my vanity, but because it illustrates a couple of things. One, the rhyming business, and two, the discussion about poems needing more than one layer. There is only one layer; but the language chosen gives it a certain coloring or flavour in any event. But there we are. I must try to dream up some useful title.Smile
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#4

Here's why this works for me: folk music.

Repetition is reinforcement. Poetry like this doesn't need elaborate metaphors, it needs good strong sonics and a soothing rhythm to emphasise the nostalgic, yearning nature of the story itself. I get the picture of a small town woman, dreaming of far-off places but bound by love and duty to the place she's in. "and sky, and sky, and sky" is particularly effective because it shows the enormity of possibility, then is grounded by "she loves her home". I would be tempted to use "she went, she went, she went" instead of "and" in S3.

Poetry need not be grand phrasing and monumental themes -- a simple tale told simply and well will do the trick.
It could be worse
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#5
(02-25-2012, 08:07 AM)Leanne Wrote:  Here's why this works for me: folk music.

Repetition is reinforcement. Poetry like this doesn't need elaborate metaphors, it needs good strong sonics and a soothing rhythm to emphasise the nostalgic, yearning nature of the story itself. I get the picture of a small town woman, dreaming of far-off places but bound by love and duty to the place she's in. "and sky, and sky, and sky" is particularly effective because it shows the enormity of possibility, then is grounded by "she loves her home". I would be tempted to use "she went, she went, she went" instead of "and" in S3.

Poetry need not be grand phrasing and monumental themes -- a simple tale told simply and well will do the trick.

Why, thank you Leanne! Yeah....that Mark...he should have been knocking out a tune!

By the oddest ofcoincidences, the lady phoned to-day, at what must have been very nearly the time Mark was commenting! It is a simple tale, and you have it---- though as a London girl, she would pop at the words 'small town woman' despite having lived in this quaint little place for some 23 years, and still banging on about being working-class -- which no-one there is. But what a to-do when someone suggested that her posh kids were not quite out of the right drawer!

You will easily envisage the sky-- if you live by the sea, you have these big skies.

My private worry was having 'aspire' and 'inspire' so close to-gether, and both from the same root (breathe) as in:'Dum spiro, spero' (while I breathe, I hope).

Your 'and' I think is joining the 'and' club where my old Biarritz poem lives -still unresolved-- but this more straight-forward. Thanks again.Smile

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#6
Okay now that I've read your comments and Leanne's, I see it like a song in a way. Th repetition still makes me have that little grin when someone is trying real hard, but just not quite getting it, though.

To be honest, I actually did think prostitute for a second, but that would have made the first four lines either odd things to say about a hooker or very cheeky. It's obvious in the text that she was/is someone special. I get a cool image of a woman on the shore in the wind with a rather loose, flowing sundress- white or yellow and she's smiling very big.

The more I read it the more I like it. Sometimes I just have a hard time getting what people are on about, ya know? I think maybe I understand, but like with this one I thought that it had to be more- and actually it turned out to be more, but not the way I thought. It is more loaded with images and ideas that trigger ideas than I thought, but the meaning was just as simple as when I first read it.

Thanks for taking the time to help me y'all. Smile
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#7
(02-25-2012, 12:32 PM)Mark Wrote:  Okay now that I've read your comments and Leanne's, I see it like a song in a way. Th repetition still makes me have that little grin when someone is trying real hard, but just not quite getting it, though.

To be honest, I actually did think prostitute for a second, but that would have made the first four lines either odd things to say about a hooker or very cheeky. It's obvious in the text that she was/is someone special. I get a cool image of a woman on the shore in the wind with a rather loose, flowing sundress- white or yellow and she's smiling very big.

The more I read it the more I like it. Sometimes I just have a hard time getting what people are on about, ya know? I think maybe I understand, but like with this one I thought that it had to be more- and actually it turned out to be more, but not the way I thought. It is more loaded with images and ideas that trigger ideas than I thought, but the meaning was just as simple as when I first read it.

Thanks for taking the time to help me y'all. Smile

Thanks, Mark. I can kind of ram 'Good night Irene' into it....over to you!! Your image is not far off the mark, MarkWink For a separate thread, I am wondering about Personal personal v just a person's character leeching out even if they are writing about
trains. I originally swore that I would never disclose any personal stuff....Smile































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#8
In stanza three, why not repeat 'she went'? Every other part is repeated, but there you go with 'and' . . . I have to think that you did it by design because your wording and punctuation are always very careful . . . was it the 'sh' sounds?

Then another thing I noticed and correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought with 'and' you didn't need a comma:

She went and went and went.
...
And will and will and will.
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#9
(02-25-2012, 01:18 PM)Mark Wrote:  In stanza three, why not repeat 'she went'? Every other part is repeated, but there you go with 'and' . . . I have to think that you did it by design because your wording and punctuation are always very careful . . . was it the 'sh' sounds?

Then another thing I noticed and correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought with 'and' you didn't need a comma:

She went and went and went.
...
And will and will and will.

Leanne already suggested 'She went, she went, she went.' You may well be right. I was trying to keep the same pattern, but vary it a little. If I change it, this 'She went' line will exactly mirror the following 'She strode' line. In itself, it does sound more crisp. I am in mid-mull.

Were I writing prose, you are correct, the comma after 'and' is prolix. But in verse, I use punctuation more or less as breath-marks; I don't want the reader to run on, without the slight pause implied by a comma. In the same way, I regard the end of a line as screaming for a natural nano-mini-break, and therefore use commas there only if I feel that that tiny break is insufficient.


























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#10
Well I hear ya! You just taught me a tiny lesson about paying attention Big Grin

I need to start a thread on this, but off topic: I need a class on reading poetry before I study any more about writing it. Confused

On topic: Umm . . . okay I have nothing else to say. But I did read it again with extra pause (I was reading it run-on) and to be honest, I thought it would only make the repetition more jarring, but instead it softened it into a sway. Almost like the ocean waves . . . Wink
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#11
(02-24-2012, 07:26 AM)abu nuwas Wrote:  Aspire she did, she did; she did aspire
To be, to be, to be.

Inspire she did, she did; she did inspire
To love, to love, to love

Around the lanes, the lanes; the lanes around
She went, and went, and went

Along the shore, the shore; the shore along
She strode, she strode, she strode.

Beneath the cliffs, the cliffs; the cliffs beneath
Is Sea, is Sea, is Sea.

Of clouds she dreamed, she dreamed; she dreamed of clouds
And sky, and sky, and sky.

Her home she loves, she loves;she loves her home
And will, and will, and will.



( It occurred to me that this in its way relates to the thread about rhyming. Not new.)

Incantation, primitive undifferentiated consciousness,
nonesense lyrics, girl's rope-skipping chants, the magical
potency of words,-- all, presented here as a delightful
reminder of literature's non-escape clause-- parataxis
and recapitulation.

I can see girls in front of a brownstone in Chicago's
south side skipping rope and chanting this poem.

Oh so good ...
rh
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#12
(02-24-2012, 07:26 AM)abu nuwas Wrote:  Aspire she did, she did; she did aspire
To be, to be, to be.

Inspire she did, she did; she did inspire
To love, to love, to love

Around the lanes, the lanes; the lanes around
She went, and went, and went

Along the shore, the shore; the shore along
She strode, she strode, she strode.

Beneath the cliffs, the cliffs; the cliffs beneath
Is Sea, is Sea, is Sea.

Of clouds she dreamed, she dreamed; she dreamed of clouds
And sky, and sky, and sky.

Her home she loves, she loves;she loves her home
And will, and will, and will.



( It occurred to me that this in its way relates to the thread about rhyming. Not new.)
it has three voices as well


(02-25-2012, 09:48 AM)abu nuwas Wrote:  Your 'and' I think is joining the 'and' club where my old Biarritz poem lives -still unresolved-- but this more straight-forward. Thanks again.Smile

Abu, Roy once gave me a thread lesson why "And" reinforced a line over "as" I have never looked at "as" in the same way since and always think three times befor I use it,
Perfection changes with the light and light goes on for infinity ~~~Bronte

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#13

Thank you, Roy. But I resent being accused of parataxis-- there's never been a paratactic in my family. I won't be outed! Smile




Thanks for looking, Bronte. It is by no means new.

I am not anti-and myself. But then, in the right place, I am pro-as. Wink

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#14
hello abu! my quick thoughts

(02-24-2012, 07:26 AM)abu nuwas Wrote:  Aspire she did, she did; she did aspire
To be, to be, to be.

Inspire she did, she did; she did inspire
To love, to love, to love ...these first two stanzas do not hit me as well as the others. I think the reason may be 1) they lack an action verb I can really imagine, and 2) they lack the reinforcement of an image. for instance, saying the "cliffs, the cliffs: the cliffs" really makes me imagine more and more cliffs and makes the scene come more alive. same with the sea and sky; the repetition makes them stronger. as a whole, this is my biggest comment for the piece; apologize if it is too biased on my part and if it is not helpful

Around the lanes, the lanes; the lanes around
She went, and went, and went

Along the shore, the shore; the shore along
She strode, she strode, she strode.

Beneath the cliffs, the cliffs; the cliffs beneath
Is Sea, is Sea, is Sea.

Of clouds she dreamed, she dreamed; she dreamed of clouds
And sky, and sky, and sky.

Her home she loves, she loves;she loves her home
And will, and will, and will.

enjoyed the read!
Written only for you to consider.
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#15
Thanks for looking.

I seem to have missed your comment here -- or was so mortified that anyone could think my poem should attract anything less tha ''Awesome!'', that I had to choke back the fury.

In any event, on the show/tell scale, it is true that there is no show in the first bit, and precious little in the remainder. I think I really wanted to try out the rhythm more than anything. SmileSmile

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#16
(02-24-2012, 07:26 AM)abu nuwas Wrote:  Aspire she did, she did; she did aspire
To be, to be, to be.

Inspire she did, she did; she did inspire
To love, to love, to love

Around the lanes, the lanes; the lanes around
She went, and went, and went

Along the shore, the shore; the shore along
She strode, she strode, she strode.

Beneath the cliffs, the cliffs; the cliffs beneath
Is Sea, is Sea, is Sea.

Of clouds she dreamed, she dreamed; she dreamed of clouds
And sky, and sky, and sky.

Her home she loves, she loves;she loves her home
And will, and will, and will.



( It occurred to me that this in its way relates to the thread about rhyming. Not new.)
i'm sure i've heard this before yet i know i haven't, it feels as though i know it inside me. (which is a weird feeling to have)
there is a poem called 'the sea the sea and i thought it reminded me of that so i went to read it and it didn't Sad. i just love it abu. for me the repitition gives it feeling. makes her in some way live no nits here.
thanks for the read
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#17

Thanks Billy. I recall getting a few brownie points at the time from the lady, but not nearly as many as I had expected. Smile The place is one of those little towns on the Suffolk coast.

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#18
brownie points from ladies are worth so much Blush
somehow it also reminds me of the owl and the pussy-cat, though i think it's because i can't shake the lyrical feel of it Smile
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#19
I'm enjoying this, the sound of it and the story it tells. It's very different from most of the poems I've been reading lately, and although it was posted years ago but I found the discussion interesting and useful. Thank you.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#20
(02-24-2012, 07:26 AM)abu nuwas Wrote:  Aspire she did, she did; she did aspire
To be, to be, to be.

Inspire she did, she did; she did inspire
To love, to love, to love

Around the lanes, the lanes; the lanes around
She went, and went, and went

Along the shore, the shore; the shore along
She strode, she strode, she strode.

Beneath the cliffs, the cliffs; the cliffs beneath
Is Sea, is Sea, is Sea.

Of clouds she dreamed, she dreamed; she dreamed of clouds
And sky, and sky, and sky.

Her home she loves, she loves;she loves her home
And will, and will, and will.



( It occurred to me that this in its way relates to the thread about rhyming. Not new.)

Ha ha, Marvellous stuff, could almost have been written by Spike Milligan,
nonsense poetry with great rhythm..

Obi.
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