Infatuation

[royale]

..[/font]

[Wildcard]

Hi royale!

It's wonderful to see you posting!

We have a really good group of knowledgeable members that will be along shortly to give you their thoughts- unfortunately I'm just not one of the educated ones so if my feedback doesn't make sense, the real poets will be along shortly.

If in love you have ever been, --As openers go, it's a little weak (no offense) the title is fairly provocative, but the twisted grammar lends to the feeling that the first rhyme is contrived. However, the thought 'If you have ever been in love' is a very nice way to begin. I realize that the grammar is skewed to fit the rhyme scheme and so I have no immediate suggestions
The loneliness of being you have ever seen,
If to the romantic tales you were at times keen,
Then, pray hear the request of this crazy teen, --Whether this is fantasy or something personal, 'crazy' weakens the plausibility of the narrator here. If you want to show that the narrator doesn't take him/herself seriously, I think you should seek out a better choice of words.

If a tear has ever blurred thy vision,
Time ever crept before the dying season,
Path was lost before reaching destination,
No reasons ruled the governing situation,
Then, pray feel the essence of my infatuation,

Ever if you have found yourselves lost,
To the life's fantasies ever caught,
Lived to die in a moments applause ,
But then seized for the times cause,
Think do then about this lone dweller......

It seems like you put a lot of time and thought into this and it's paying off There are quite a few rhymes that feel a little awkward and if you tighten those up I think you'll be well on your way.

I'll say again that I'm really glad to see you posting! Remember to give feedback to other poets and jump in any of the Discussion Boards you like! Thanks for sharing.

[Todd]

Hi Royale,

Welcome to the site! It's good to see you posting here. Let me give you some comments:

There are some people on the site that live rhyme and meter who would be able to give you some feedback on smoothing out your lines. I'll make a few comments to that end, but mostly I'd focus on other areas.

Here are some notes for you to consider:

If in love you have ever been,--One of the things that makes rhyme work in a poem is that it shouldn't feel forced. It should fit in the content and the syntax shouldn't be twisted to make the rhyme work. You've got a lot of that going on here. We would normally write: If you have ever been in love. Also, to your end rhyme been: It doesn't rhyme with the other words. It may be spelled similar but it rhymes more with a word like thin.
The loneliness of being you have ever seen,--what does this really mean. I'm not trying to be harsh at all, but the syntax again and the ever seen make this come off as light on content and melodramatic
If to the romantic tales you were at times keen,--"at times" is a bit of a filler phrase to keep your sense of rhythm. Look to cut any filler type phrases and words
Then, pray hear the request of this crazy teen,--pray hear seems a bit overwrought. One other thing to consider is that teen is a modern word and in the next stanza you go archaic with "thy". I would encourage you to stay modern in your usage. Bouncing back and forth unless for comedic effect comes off badly in my opinion

If a tear has ever blurred thy vision,
Time ever crept before the dying season,--this dying season of yours is an interesting phrase. The entire line feels a bit awkward, but if you worked on expanding the content and imagery and ignored rhyme and meter until you pushed those other elements farther this would probably come across stronger. What makes the dying season so interesting is that your title infatuation suggests a quick flare up of emotion that burns out quickly. There are plenty of images that could help add to this idea and make the poem very interesting. To put another way: This type of phrasing and ideas open up a lot of design space for you
Path was lost before reaching destination,--Not a bad line idea either though I think chopping the article off "The Path" makes it sound weird (again simply my opinion)
No reasons ruled the governing situation,
Then, pray feel the essence of my infatuation,--These last two lines especially point to another issue I'm having. I'm supposed to be listening to this crazy teen and these phrases especially in these last two lines don't seem like anything that would be naturally spoken. You know if you think back to something like John Donne's The Flea or a more modern Billy Joel's Only the Good Die Young these types of pleas are always an excuse of one party to convince the other to lower their inhibitions and surrender to lust. There should probably be a more driving intensity behind expressing "the essence of my infatuation"

Ever if you have found yourselves lost, --again consider fixing the syntax
To the life's fantasies ever caught,--a little too abstract with life's fantasies. It feels too distant for something that's supposed to draw someone in
Lived to die in a moments applause ,
But then seized for the times cause,
Think do then about this lone dweller--again more of the same......[/font]

I'm sorry I couldn't be more supportive of this poem. I think you have a few moments that might suggest workable revisions. I would suggest again to focus on content and imagery and then see if there is a natural way to move into a consistent rhyme and meter.

Thanks for posting. I hope some of that will be helpful to you.

Best,

Todd

[tectak]

If in love you have ever been,
The loneliness of being you have ever seen,
If to the romantic tales you were at times keen,
Then, pray hear the request of this crazy teen,

If a tear has ever blurred thy vision,
Time ever crept before the dying season,
Path was lost before reaching destination,
No reasons ruled the governing situation,
Then, pray feel the essence of my infatuation,

Ever if you have found yourselves lost,
To the life's fantasies ever caught,
Lived to die in a moments applause ,
But then seized for the times cause,
Think do then about this lone dweller......[/font]

When I began writing poetry I would not have dared to show it to others. I regret that weakness. You have, for whatever reason, decided to put yourself forward for crucifiction
Worry not. First of all, the kindest and most constructive suggestion is that you rewrite this piece....but before you do, examine your motives for writing it in the first place. If you were compelled by a burning desire to put pen to paper and to write a wonderful piece of poetry then you have failed. If, on the other hand, you have such suppressed angst within you that you simply had to let it out, then by a different yardstick, you have succeeded. Indeed, if you are flattered by comforting eulogy, you could not fail. In either case, this is where you deposited you effort and this is a poetry site for the expression of and improvement of poetry.
Re-write the piece.
Already, some here have given good advice and I hope that I can add to their suggestions.
First of all, read your work out loud. If you only read it in your head you will not notice the mistakes because you are using the same processing equipment to read it as you used to write it. Listen to your words as though you were someone else. Cringe if you must, I did; both occasions...reading my own and reading yours. The glaringly obvious becomes glaringly obvious. First off...rhyme. Probably the least necessary attribute of good poetry. Just look what happened to the english language when you thought that the "right" thing to do was to make every line end end with a rhyme to the previous line. You've strangled the grammar...."If in love you have ever been" instead of "If you have ever been in love"; you have mangled the time line with "think do then about this lone dweller" ( forsooth t'were he, but yet swathed in yellow). What year is this?
In fact, on the grounds of gbh to the english language I would hang stanza 3 by the neck until dead.
HOWEVER....and before the compassion troops gallop to your defence, PLEASE do as I suggest and examine your motivation for writing the piece, read it out loud, do not try to be poetic (if you try you are not...a bit like trying to be sincere, really), and understand that my suggestion that you rewrite is NOT because it is rubbish, though it is, but because it is WORTH it.
I must end by going back to the beginning. If you ARE submitting this piece because you are in an emotionally bad place and need to communicate your distress to someone else, then just remember that if you can put your poetry in order, the activity is the best therapy I know. The converse is not true. Those with the greatest need of therapy do not write good poetry.
Finally, only take note of those you agree with....in my opinion.
Best,
Tectak

[royale]

thanks for the comments guys............much appreciated.

[Erthona]

I'm drawing a blank!

[Veil of Trash]

I thought it was interesting.