The Final Hour

[Erthona]

Dare you loving look on one, such as I?
So that through open words, a bond shall grow,
Betwixt and between dark earth and light sky,
A union to comfort us when we’re old?
Or is it true, what is said of the flesh?
Alone we enter this world, warm or chill,
Being neither damned, no more than we’re blessed,
We enter, live, and die, against our will.
Is there hope then for that final hour?
When I lay entomb in this wizened sack,
Should we meet within the bridal bower,
Would then you be with me as death attacks?
Would you do more than simply hold my hand,
Be my companion also to that land?


©2012 -Erthona

[tectak]

Dare you loving look on one, such as I?
So that through open words, a bond shall grow,
Betwixt and between dark earth and light sky,
A union to comfort us when we’re old?
Or is it true, what is said of the flesh?
Alone we enter this world, warm or chill,
Being neither damned, no more than we’re blessed,
We enter, live, and die, against our will.
Is there hope then for that final hour?
When I lay entomb in this wizened sack,
Should we meet within the bridal bower,
Would then you be with me as death attacks?
Would you do more than simply hold my hand,
Be my companion also to that land?


©2012 -Erthona

---

Dare you loving look on one, such as I?
So that through open words, a bond shall grow,
Betwixt and between dark earth and light sky,
A union to comfort us when we’re old?
Or is it true, what is said of the flesh?
Alone we enter this world, warm or chill,
Being neither damned, no more than we’re blessed,
We enter, live, and die, against our will.
Is there hope then for that final hour?
When I lay entomb in this wizened sack,
Should we meet within the bridal bower,
Would then you be with me as death attacks?
Would you do more than simply hold my hand,
Be my companion also to that land?


©2012 -Erthona

Damn you, erthona, we are all out-sonnetted by this gem. I know you want a good kicking for insolent rhymes, but it will not be from me. Tough luck, my friend, I love it.....but I am of an age.
Best,
Tectak

[Veil of Trash]

I enjoyed this,
in particular I'm fond of your wizened sack.

My only nag that springs to mind is the meter in the 4th line, with that suave-spat of similar-sounding-syllables I keep wanting to put a caesura after "us"; To me it feels irregular but I am in no way qualified to pass judgement I figured since the boards seem a bit slow I'd branch a little further out than the novice section.

Thanks for posting.

[Philatone]

hello dale; some quick thoughts

Dare you loving look on one, such as I?
So that through open words, a bond shall grow,
Betwixt and between dark earth and light sky,
A union to comfort us when we’re old?
Or is it true, what is said of the flesh?
Alone we enter this world, warm or chill,
Being neither damned, no more than we’re blessed,
We enter, live, and die, against our will. ...would have liked to have seen a word besides "enter" again
Is there hope then for that final hour? ...love the "that" to create emotional distance
When I lay entomb in this wizened sack,
Should we meet within the bridal bower,
Would then you be with me as death attacks?...I think the wording could be adjusted slightly to be read a little more smoothly (e.g., moving "then" to after "me", though it may detract from the tone you've established, so I would understand a justification for it.
Would you do more than simply hold my hand,
Be my companion also to that land? ....what a question to close on!


©2012 -Erthona

in general, I wasn't sure if you needed all of your caesurae/ punctuation (e.g., the question mark at the end of line 1; after "words" in L2.); there were many more cases, to the point where it just seemed too intentional to question all of them.

I wasn't expecting so many questions; it really does affect the tone and imparts a nervousness of sorts to the speaker (fitting for the topic, as one approaches death); I think a more decisive counterpart to the piece that uses more statements/ stronger language and tones would be interesting to see.

really like the voltas used; overall, a great read I enjoyed

[Erthona]

Tectak said: "Damn you, erthona, we are all out-sonnetted by this gem. I know you want a good kicking for insolent rhymes, but it will not be from me. Tough luck, my friend, I love it.....but I am of an age."

Ah, but it is always easiest when preaching to the choir
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VoT said: "My only nag that springs to mind is the meter in the 4th line, with that suave-spat of similar-sounding-syllables I keep wanting to put a caesura after "us"; To me it feels irregular"

Probably because "comfort" is a foot of trochee instead of iambic, making one want to add an extra syllable or lengthen we're to "we are", so you are correct that it is irregular, but not because of the "of similar-sounding-syllables"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Geoff,

The first, third, and fourth question marks are errors. I guess I pasted in the wrong version. I think this is how it is suppose to go. I don't know if I have ever really settled on how it should be punctuated.
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Dare you loving look on one, such as I,
So that through open words, a bond shall grow;
Betwixt and between dark earth and light sky,
A union to comfort us when we’re old?
Or is it true, what is said of the flesh,
Alone we enter this world, warm or chill,
Being neither damned, no more than we’re blessed,
We enter, live, and die, against our will!
Is there hope then for that final hour,
When I lay entomb in this wizened sack;
Should we meet within the bridal bower,
Would then you be with me as death attacks?
Would you do more than simply hold my hand,
Be my companion also to that land?

[Erthona]

I thought that

hour?
sack,
bower,
attacks?

were pretty good,
but the rest are tepid at best.
Like four day old tea re-heated for the fourth time.
It leaves a sour taste in the stomach!
I guess you might characterize it as
Tepid tea and sour ruminant!

[tectak]

Dare you loving look on one, such as I?
So that through open words, a bond shall grow,
Betwixt and between dark earth and light sky,
A union to comfort us when we’re old?
Or is it true, what is said of the flesh?this leaves "is" a little high in the accent division I think
Alone we enter this world, warm or chill,and this "this" too? I am being picky, sorry
Being neither damned, no more than we’re blessed,being damned at least no more than blessed
We enter, live, and die, against our will.though I like this,the and-ness of it might benefit thus: We enter, live, depart against our will.
Is there hope then for that final hour?nice ectopic beat on "is". It works
When I lay entomb in this wizened sack, I lost the metronome here but like the line immensely. It is how I imagine the contemporaneous you
Should we meet within the bridal bower,
Would then you be with me as death attacks?
Would you do more than simply hold my hand,
Be my companion also to that land?end on a high or failing that....die

©2012 -Erthona

As a standalone piece it probably ( I cannot judge) just works. But as a piece of erthona it is well up there in the compendium of inward thinking. I have posted my New Age as a comfort to you in your imminent dotage but will receive not a jot of thanks.....ah well, c'est la mort as Abu would not say. Generally and atypically....too short.....but that's life.

[abu nuwas]

Dare you loving look on one, such as I? I think your problem with question-marks derives from your uncertainty as to what it is you wish to say, or ask. The first line jars with me in any event, because of the needless licence with 'loving'. It might go as the first word, I suppose. Then the remainder of the line (such as I) is plain ungrammatical-it should be me. But even so, 'such as' is wrong: the speaker refers to himself, not a selection of people.
So that through open words, a bond shall grow,
Betwixt and between dark earth and light sky,
A union to comfort us when we’re old?
Or is it true, what is said of the flesh?
Alone we enter this world, warm or chill,
Being neither damned, no more than we’re blessed,
We enter, live, and die, against our will.
Is there hope then for that final hour?
When I lay entomb in this wizened sack,
Should we meet within the bridal bower,
Would then you be with me as death attacks?
Would you do more than simply hold my hand,
Be my companion also to that land?


©2012 -Erthona

There is much that is fine here, Dale, but I just realised why I don't do these elaborate crits--I never stop. Is there some reason why you have put ' when I lay', instead of 'lie'? It gives the impression of an incarcerated chicken.

I imagine that this is some special type of Pinocchian sonnet, and Leanne will hold your hand for having the audacity to rhyme 'blessed' with 'flesh'

[heslopian]

Dare you loving look on one, such as I? Would this line flow better if "loving" and "look" changed places?
So that through open words, a bond shall grow,
Betwixt and between dark earth and light sky, I was about to suggest that you don't need "betwixt," but after looking it up I see that "betwixt and between" is a phrase. Thanks for teaching me something new!
A union to comfort us when we’re old?
Or is it true, what is said of the flesh? This question seems redundant. We know flesh rots and disappears. Would "soul" or "heart" or "mind" work better?
Alone we enter this world, warm or chill,
Being neither damned, no more than we’re blessed, I like the beautiful realism of this line.
We enter, live, and die, against our will.
Is there hope then for that final hour?
When I lay entombed in this wizened sack, "This" seems odd. Is the narrator holding up a sack?
Should we meet within the bridal bower,
Would then you be with me as death attacks?
Would you do more than simply hold my hand,
Be my companion also to that land? Great closer. Reminds me of Shakespeare's "undiscovered country."


©2012 -Erthona

A wise and tender evocation of death. Thanks for the read, Erthona.

[Erthona]

Jack,

Thanks for the read and the comments.

"Would this line flow better if "loving" and "look" changed places?" Maybe, but I think the iambic is already tortured enough

The line "Or is it true, what is said of the flesh?" refers to what comes after, and it is more rhetorical than anything, in order to set up the final question.

"wizened sack" is the skin of the body as it begins to dry with age.

Thanks again Jack,

Dale
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Ed,

I wrote a fairly substantial reply to your comments, but it seems it has vanished. A brief recap.

"one such as I" is an allusion to the song "fool such as I". while it can be debated if it is grammatical or not (although I think that is more of a stylistic judgement), the meaning is still clear.

I lay, for I wish not to lie, in that I prefer honesty over grammar. That is to say, either lay or lie can be seen ambiguously, but for reasons other than that, it should be "lie".

Thanks for the critiques guys,

Dale

[billy]

i think it a bit creepy, well a lot creepy really.
come dear, die with me.

the poem can be felt however and the reader becomes part of request
urging her to die with him. i have no nit's it flowed well so i'm guessing the meter works.
it had that classic feel a sonnet should have,; if i have to find a nit it would be betwixt and between, it verges on cliche. that said it really is only a nit because the bugger works.

thanks for the read, sorry i couldn't be more constructive.

[Erthona]

Sometimes you can get away with a cliche phrase if it fits within the context of the story. In this case it seems that it is natural for the character to use such a phrase as "betwixt and between", as obviously he has a certain amount of affectation, almost to the point of being stereotypical. However, as you note, death is the great equalizer and we can all identify with the fear of going there alone.

In terms of the idea of accompanying someone into death, I find it curious that if such is stated in known characters such as Bonnie and Clyde, Romeo and Juliet, and other couples of this ilk, this idea seems romantic, however when used as a litmus test for marriage between "normal" people it seems creepy (although I don't think he ever expresses this idea outwardly, as it is more of an inward musing). So even though you didn't give forth any significant nits, you do point out one of the major questions that the poem poses which is why is it OK to want to not live without your "other" when the character is literary or historic, but the same idea is unacceptable when transposed into "normal" people?

Of course the empathy we feel towards someone not wanting to face death alone goes back to the childhood fear of the dark, and wanting someone to be with us. I read somewhere that the fear of the dark goes back to our semian ancestors and how dangerous the dark was for them, as this was the time when the large predator would be on the prowl. For males it is typically the mother figure we seek out to ease our fears and comfort us. Regardless, whether the dark or death, few of us seem to ever overcome our fear of it, and in that respect we remain children forever.

Thanks for the read Billy,

Dale