Entrance

[Philatone]

V. 3 lots of edits; review Todd's comments for a comprehensive listing

Entrance

I was going to open
with how the words came to me
as if they were the gardener
and I the weed,
stalking the azaleas at noon;

but then I thought better
and searched instead
for the right definition:

to dig,
fettered to an old English accent,
or plunge,
with roots
nestled in a French countryside;

yet so many words waited
at my doorstep, some in ties and skirts,
some with smiling mothers,
others with postage on their forehead,

lingering in the windows
peaking above my collars
breaking into the bedroom
crawling through the outlets

when finally
I had it.

Let us begin
with a moment of silence.

Let us begin
with the breath before
the voice,

the pause
laid as a bridge
we have only begun
to cross.

V. 2

Entrance

I was going to open
with a story
of how the words came to me
as if they were the gardener
and I the weed,
stalking the azaleas at noon;

but then I thought better of it
and searched instead
for the right definition to share:

to dig,
fettered to an old English accent,
or plunge,
with roots
nestled in a French countryside;

yet so many words
waited at my doorstep,
some in ties and skirts,
some with smiling mothers,
others with postage on their forehead,
I decided to keep looking
for a way to begin,

lingering in the aisles
where introductions pushed grocery carts,
peaking above the collars
of poems in the library,
breaking into their bedrooms
with a screwdriver and notepad;

when finally, I heard enough
like a judge in a courtroom.

Let us begin
with a moment of silence.

No shells from the past,
no trudges through a dictionary's forest.

Let us begin
with the breath before
the voice,

the pause
laid as a bridge
we have only begun
to cross.


_____________________________________
Original

I was going to open
with a story
of how the words came to me
as if they were the gardener
and I the weed,
stalking the azaleas at noon;

but then I thought better of it
and searched instead
for the right definition to share:

to dig,
fettered to an old English accent,
or plunge,
with its roots
nestled in a French countryside;

yet so many words
waited at my doorstep,
some in ties and skirts,
some with smiling mothers,
others with postage on their forehead,
I decided to keep looking
for a way to begin,

lingering in the aisles
where introductions pushed grocery carts,
peaking above the collars
of poems in the library,
breaking into their bedrooms
with a screwdriver and notepad;

when finally, I heard enough
like a jury in a courtroom.

Let us begin
with a moment of silence.

No shells from the past,
no trudges through a dictionary's forest.

Let us begin
with the breath before
the voice,

the fire before
the candle,

the dust before
the polish;

a quiet opening
that winds
to a softer,
softened
end.

[Erthona]

I think the first half of this reads very well, but at these lines

"breaking into their bedrooms
with a screwdriver and notepad;"

the wheels start to come off compared with the clear narrative up to this point. Basically it seems you pushed that one sentence far beyond its capacity as it becomes difficult to ascertain who is doing what. I'm also not quite sure what the last sentence connects with the rest of the sentence. Maybe if you included a bit of a reminder with

"Let us begin this story
with the breath before..."

although I'm am unsure if your parallel examples that follow are consistent with each other, or make complete sense in what it appears the speaker is trying to accomplish.


Dale

[billy]

I was going to open
with a story
of how the words came to me
as if they were the gardener
and I the weed,
stalking the azaleas at noon; good first stanza, and i like the first line as a lead in.

but then I thought better of it is 'of it' needed as it feels implied
and searched instead
for the right definition to share:

to dig,
fettered to an old English accent, long time since i read 'fettered
or plunge,
with its roots 'it' feels unnecessary
nestled in a French countryside; another good stanza, i like the way the def's are presented so differently

yet so many words
waited at my doorstep,
some in ties and skirts,
some with smiling mothers,
others with postage on their forehead,
I decided to keep looking
for a way to begin,

lingering in the aisles
where introductions pushed grocery carts,
peaking above the collars
of poems in the library,
breaking into their bedrooms
with a screwdriver and notepad;

when finally, I heard enough
like a jury in a courtroom. i wasn't sure about the simile, jurors don't have a choice

Let us begin
with a moment of silence.

No shells from the past,
no trudges through a dictionary's forest. i get the analogy and like it though what follows feels unconnected to this

Let us begin
with the breath before
the voice,

the fire before
the candle,

the dust before
the polish;

a quiet opening
that winds
to a softer,
softened
end.

i thought the poem went well, wasn't sure if the softer end and it's layout worked as i've seen it done that way (maybe not those exact words) before. for me the poem ended well at;
the voice,

i wish i could say more and give more of the constructive stuff.
thanks as always for the read.

[Wildcard]

Okay man, this is pretty neat stuff. I see that you were going for a specific formatting. This software doesn't support duplicate spacing- refer to this tutorial to understand the tags. I took the liberty of reproducing your layout:

I was going to open
with a story
of how the words came to me
as if they were the gardener
and I the weed,
stalking the azaleas at noon;

--I like the opening talking about openings, that's clever and a good way to get attention immediately. I did spend quite a bit of time working through the meanings here, but that's more due to my novitiate status than anything I'm sure.

but then I thought better of it
and searched instead
for the right definition to share:

--I think maybe these two stanzas need a bridge. At this point I'm like, 'definition of what? Digger? Plunger?' :p Seriously though . . .

to dig,
or plunge,
with its roots
nestled in a French countryside;

yet so many words
waited at my doorstep,
[ind] some in ties and skirts, --are you saying like fancy words? or fancy envelopes?
[ind] some with smiling mothers,
[ind] others with postage on their forehead,
I decided to keep looking
for a way to begin,

lingering in the aisles
where introductions pushed grocery carts,
peaking above the collars
of poems in the library,
breaking into their bedrooms
with a screwdriver and notepad; -- so you're stalking introductions? Fourth time through and I'm just getting started. This is either highly layered or I am just really dumb at this

when finally, I heard enough
like a jury in a courtroom.

Let us begin
with a moment of silence. --decided to just 'open' with nothing?

No shells from the past,
no trudges through a dictionary's forest.

Let us begin
with the breath before
the voice,

the fire before
the candle,

the dust before
the polish;

a quiet opening
that winds
to a softer,
softened --the end was already softened, but this makes it softer? Is this like a funeral or something? It sounds like you are talking about the passing of someone and how to open the service/sermon?
end.

I like it, but as evidenced by my notes I'm not sure that I am getting it. Rather than tell you what to change (cause I don't even know if it needs changing) I just wrote what I was thinking when I read it. Overall I'd have to say I like the style of it, but I'm not sure if I'm getting it.

Thanks for sharing.

[Philatone]

erthona- thanks for your time. am going to take a look at the second half and will probably decide on some changes, especially with the consensus I'm getting on them. appreciate your input, as always.

billy- perhaps the jury image was too much of a stretch. will have a look at that; i'm leaning towards you suggestion on the "voice", or at least altering everything that follows it. oh, and glad you liked "fettered"; I was kinda excited when it came to me! thank you, always helpful!

mark- I think my intentions led you where I wanted, mark! thanks for the time, as well as the formatting--i actually hadn't noticed the change until your post, so maybe it works well in either position

[tectak]

V. 2

Entrance

I was going to open
with a story
of how the words came to me
as if they were the gardener
and I the weed,
stalking the azaleas at noon;

but then I thought better of it
and searched instead
for the right definition to share:

to dig,
fettered to an old English accent,
or plunge,
with roots
nestled in a French countryside;

yet so many words
waited at my doorstep,
some in ties and skirts,
some with smiling mothers,
others with postage on their forehead,
I decided to keep looking
for a way to begin,

lingering in the aisles
where introductions pushed grocery carts,
peaking above the collars
of poems in the library,
breaking into their bedrooms
with a screwdriver and notepad;

when finally, I heard enough
like a judge in a courtroom.

Let us begin
with a moment of silence.

No shells from the past,
no trudges through a dictionary's forest.

Let us begin
with the breath before
the voice,

the pause
laid as a bridge
we have only begun
to cross.


_____________________________________
Original

I was going to open
with a story
of how the words came to me
as if they were the gardener
and I the weed,
stalking the azaleas at noon;

but then I thought better of it
and searched instead
for the right definition to share:

to dig,
fettered to an old English accent,
or plunge,
with its roots
nestled in a French countryside;

yet so many words
waited at my doorstep,
some in ties and skirts,
some with smiling mothers,
others with postage on their forehead,
I decided to keep looking
for a way to begin,

lingering in the aisles
where introductions pushed grocery carts,
peaking above the collars
of poems in the library,
breaking into their bedrooms
with a screwdriver and notepad;

when finally, I heard enough
like a jury in a courtroom.

Let us begin
with a moment of silence.

No shells from the past,
no trudges through a dictionary's forest.

Let us begin
with the breath before
the voice,

the fire before
the candle,

the dust before
the polish;

a quiet opening
that winds
to a softer,
softened
end.

I can see what you were trying to accomplish here but you may deny it. It may well be that this free thinking technique sometimes leads to a piece of prose which improves as it unfolds, rather in the way that a jingle tune writer tinkles the ivory hoping that something will "come" to him. It is a hit and miss affair as you seem to to have realised after the first stanza; and while I am in the area could you describe the thought process that you use to demark stanzas as I cannot get the subtlety

Look, it may be outside my pay-scale but could you just rewrite this as I am genuinely at a loss to decide whether it is good, bad or ugly.
What I can say is that this is an organic piece of free verse in danger of iterating into a fractal. You must stop it at all costs as it has already begun to degrade into endless complexity and repetitive patterns. I believe that you felt this, too, as so very few examples of this genre ( there must be a better word) end on the word "end". I should have been a shrink!
Best,
Tectak

[Philatone]

hello tectac!
i'm sorry if it appears as a free-thinking technique; that certainly wasn't the intention at all as it did have a goal in mind from the beginning...

the stanzas i used to show shifts in thought processes, mostly so in the opening stanzas, so I could definitely understand an argument to unify the closing stanzas in the revised version (I had adjusted the ending in the revision to a degree--the revision does end with "cross". I kept the original up to emphasize the changes made).

I appreciate the thoughts and time you have given. if you could advise me on which specific sections/ images you struggled most with, I am certainly willing to take a closer look.
thanks again!

[billy]

Look, it may be outside my pay-scale but could you just rewrite this as I am genuinely at a loss to decide whether it is good, bad or ugly.
What I can say is that this is an organic piece of free verse in danger of iterating into a fractal. You must stop it at all costs as it has already begun to degrade into endless complexity and repetitive patterns. I believe that you felt this, too, as so very few examples of this genre ( there must be a better word) end on the word "end". I should have been a shrink!
Best,
Tectak

if you suggest a rewrite, try and give some definitive reason why (i'm at a loss to decide whether it is good, bad or ugly.) doesn't really help the poet.

( I believe that you felt this, too) critique the poetry not the poet. /admin

[heslopian]

I enjoyed how this whole poem felt like a lead up to the beginning of a work, as though you were always on the cusp of your true theme, when really your true theme all along was inspiration and the search for it.
I think you mean "peeking" rather than "peaking above," and the "judge in a courtroom" simile felt a bit cliche; JMHO.
Thanks for the read, Philatone.

[tectak]

hello tectac!
i'm sorry if it appears as a free-thinking technique; that certainly wasn't the intention at all as it did have a goal in mind from the beginning...

the stanzas i used to show shifts in thought processes, mostly so in the opening stanzas, so I could definitely understand an argument to unify the closing stanzas in the revised version (I had adjusted the ending in the revision to a degree--the revision does end with "cross". I kept the original up to emphasize the changes made).

I appreciate the thoughts and time you have given. if you could advise me on which specific sections/ images you struggled most with, I am certainly willing to take a closer look.
thanks again!

Eureka! I know what was bugging me about this piece....I read it too many times in a loop and began to feel that the last 4 stanzas were better as the first four!
You know what I mean? If someone is charged with repeating out loud 123412341234 someone walking in to the room might decide he was repeating 4123 4123 4123. God it's late...I should be asleep....maybe I am asleep.
Best,
Tectak

[tectak]

hello tectac!
i'm sorry if it appears as a free-thinking technique; that certainly wasn't the intention at all as it did have a goal in mind from the beginning...

the stanzas i used to show shifts in thought processes, mostly so in the opening stanzas, so I could definitely understand an argument to unify the closing stanzas in the revised version (I had adjusted the ending in the revision to a degree--the revision does end with "cross". I kept the original up to emphasize the changes made).

I appreciate the thoughts and time you have given. if you could advise me on which specific sections/ images you struggled most with, I am certainly willing to take a closer look.
thanks again!


Here and on another piece of yours I ranted on about clarity. I even went as far as to suggest a rewrite. I cannot retract from the criticism but I feel that you have a very frustrated muse. Having so much to impart in an endeavour like poetry writing can be very restrictive. You appear to NEED to get across your points and will be constantly frustrated by limitations imposed by the art form, and by whining pedants like me telling you to conform. Take no heed of the whingeing UNLESS you, too, feel the same frustrations. Can I respectfully suggest that you make a recording of someone other than yourself, preferably a complete stranger, reading you work out loud. Then sit in a bar and tell friends around you that the recording you are going to play back was written by the orator. Play it and note the comments.
Now repeat the experiment with another group but this time tell them in advance that you wrote the piece.
When you can write a piece which when heard in these two environments elicit the same responses....then you have got it made!
Best,
Tectak

[Todd]

V. 2

Hi Philatone,

I enjoyed the read hopefully these comments will be helpful to you.

Entrance

I was going to open
with a story
of how the words came to me--While I do like the conversational tone you set. I think you could still compress this opening a bit without sacrificing it. You could cut L2 entirely and change "of" to "with" to open L3.
as if they were the gardener
and I the weed,[b]--This simile is awesome. It's unexpected. When you start reading a poem this is the type of element you're hoping to find. You would think that it would be the other way around the writer/speaker being the gardener or the architect of the creation. This though is more reversed. The narrator is the problem (which fits with the hesitancy in the tone). The narrrator is something that needs to be removed to let the garden flourish
stalking the azaleas at noon;--love this line. It's a nice deft touch that cements your imagery. It's not overdone, and I like the sense of motion you give to the weed image.

but then I thought better of it--of it strikes me as unnecessary, but could remain as a style choice
and searched instead
for the right definition to share:--I'm not sure to share is necessary

to dig,
fettered to an old English accent,
or plunge,
with roots
nestled in a French countryside;--you build on the earlier imagery and you made me think of the historical progression of language between different cultures

yet so many words--you may want to pull waited up to end this line to give that breath of expectancy with the break (just an optional thought)
waited at my doorstep,
some in ties and skirts,
some with smiling mothers,
others with postage on their forehead,
I decided to keep looking
for a way to begin,--I don't know if you really need these last two lines you've already made an abrupt transition. I think the pacing serves you better by letting the words and choices overwhelm and get away from you. I think the hesitancy here might be counterproductive

lingering in the aisles
where introductions pushed grocery carts,
peaking above the collars
of poems in the library,
breaking into their bedrooms
with a screwdriver and notepad;--I kept wanting this section to be more jagged, to speed up (if that makes sense), more quick cuts and less finess:

lingering in the aisles
peaking above the collars
breaking into their bedrooms

and maybe more...it feels like there should be a frenzy of motion until finally you end it in the next strophe. I wouldn't worry about tying it up too neatly (just a thought)

when finally, I heard enough
like a judge in a courtroom.--this could just be my style and please disregard if it is. This felt a little awkward to me. Here's another way to maybe look at the line:

when finally, like a courtroom
judge, I heard enough.

Let us begin
with a moment of silence.

No shells from the past,
no trudges through a dictionary's forest.--this feels too self conscious to me. I would consider cutting this strophe and stick with the chanting repetion. The speaker/writer finally released. It could just be me.

Let us begin
with the breath before
the voice,--lovely

the pause
laid as a bridge
we have only begun
to cross. --I also like the shift between the I/We to the inclusive Us that you've brought. The point of communicating is to bring others somewhere (figuratively). The pause laid as a bridge is beautiful writing.

Again I hope some of that will be helpful. You have some strong moments in this one.

Best,

Todd

[Philatone]

jack
-understand the comments about the peeking and judge image; will certainly have a go at thinking about it. thanks for the time!

tec
-interesting idea I hadn't considered of moving the stanzas around; I am in the middle of thinking about it. I appreciate your returns to the piece and for giving me more tangible parts to examine, and am sorry if perhaps our styles aren't meshing as well as desired. granted, the pieces you have looked at of mine are of rather different subject matter than I traditionally approach, which certainly could bring up issues of 'clarity'. I try not to make the meaning too cryptic to the point of being incomprehensible, but at the same time if I wouldn't expect a reader to take in 100% of what I considered, just as I wouldn't see from another perspective 100% either.
thank you for your suggestions, tec

todd
a wealth of helpful notes that I will employ shortly; thanks so much

[ellajam]

I saw this on tumblr and loved it. Reading this thread I can see how beautifully this poem was distilled down to it's essence, what is left is striking. Well done, thanks for the read, I really enjoyed it.

[Truerenigma]

I enjoy this very much. there is one little suggestion I would like to offer:

when finally
I had it.

There is some ambiguity here that seems unintended; the question is whether he finally had what he was looking for, or the colloquial fed up, etc.

To clear it up and gain some impact and significance from such a small group of two short lines, I would suggest the following:

"I'd had it." for the one -or- "I had it:" for the other.

Thanks for posting.

[poe]

this piece shows me how workshopping poems can result in a worthwhile result. It feels as though the artist is back from a period of absorption. The best way to get back to fresh writing when that is whats needed. I like, "when finally, I had it", next to the bit about the judge in the courtroom.
Good work. Thanks for a good read.