Carpe Diem Soldier Edit 1 Thanks to all.

[Brownlie]

Edit 1 All of the critiques were useful.




We cursed the hoary hairs of age
in bed with father time.
We quaffed our chuck with rosy cheeks,
and marched to Palestine.

We washed these ebbing wars away,
or needled nettles clean,
and it's twenty days off the Horse
with lots of nicotine.

They say we’ll tell no tales in grass
Like snowy boys in spring.
So smoke your Turkish blends my boys,
For mellow David’s sling.

A couple tales of crashing planes
Before a dip and dab.
A tale or two of dragons slain
And back to olive drab.

Where noiseless sounding cannon blasts
are triggered from remotes,
We men who fly the spangled flag
will need our dose of dope.



Oh boy, I posted in this section because the feedback is good in this thread.

Our glory’s waving new and old.
It guides in patterned lines
of red and blue they set above
a blank slate page enshrined.

Our idol is this colored flag
that’s scrawled upon but white.
Our blissful bower’s always ripe,
and hid from winter’s bite.

The noiseless sounding cannon blasts
are soaring from remotes.
Some cheer for mellow David’s sling
through our green colored coats.

We curse the hoary hairs of age
in bed and league with time.
So, hey ho we’ll drink to the day
and miss a later clime.

We’ll wash the ebbing wars away,
or needle nettles clean,
and it's twenty days off the Horse
until nightmares and dreams.

[Wjames]

Oh boy, I posted in this section because the feedback is good in this thread.

Our glory’s waving new and old.
It guides in patterned lines
of red and blue they set above
a blank slate page enshrined.

If this were my poem I would probably try to make this opening stanza one sentence. The period at the end of the first line sort of stops me and makes it hard to find the rhythm from the start.

Our idol is this colored flag
that’s scrawled upon but white.
Our blissful bower’s always ripe,
and hid from winter’s bite.

I like the word bower, I had to look it up. I thought this stanza worked.

The noiseless sounding cannon blasts
are soaring from remotes.
Some cheer for mellow David’s sling
through our green colored coats.

I like the first two lines of this stanza a lot; it represents both drone warfare, and the public being fed news of war on their tv. The third line David vs Goliath thing could work, but I don't understand the significance of Green coats (but not a real green coat, that's cruel), so it's kind of lost on me (might just be my own stupidity). It could mean soldiers green camo outfits, but I tend to think of soldiers more in the beige camo of the desert. If it is supposed to represent green army wear, you might want to try and clarify.

We curse the hoary hairs of age
in bed and league with time.
So, hey ho we’ll drink to the day
and miss a later clime.

So, hey ho seems like filler to me, and it doesn't sound particularly good (to me) either. I don't know what is meant by later clime.

We’ll wash the ebbing wars away,
or needle nettles clean,
and it's twenty days off the horse
until nightmares and dreams.
I like the finish, but am unsure of the significance of twenty days.

I get a picture of a soldier in-between tours of duty, or on break while on a tour of duty (for twenty days?) who's become disillusioned by the war, and now just wants to enjoy life. It works for me, but there are some bits and pieces that I have trouble wrapping my head around, or don't sound right. Others will probably give you better feedback; I don't typically crit in serious.

[Brownlie]

Oh boy, I posted in this section because the feedback is good in this thread.

Our glory’s waving new and old.
It guides in patterned lines
of red and blue they set above
a blank slate page enshrined.

If this were my poem I would probably try to make this opening stanza one sentence. The period at the end of the first line sort of stops me and makes it hard to find the rhythm from the start.

Our idol is this colored flag
that’s scrawled upon but white.
Our blissful bower’s always ripe,
and hid from winter’s bite.

I like the word bower, I had to look it up. I thought this stanza worked.

The noiseless sounding cannon blasts
are soaring from remotes.
Some cheer for mellow David’s sling
through our green colored coats.

I like the first two lines of this stanza a lot; it represents both drone warfare, and the public being fed news of war on their tv. The third line David vs Goliath thing could work, but I don't understand the significance of Green coats (but not a real green coat, that's cruel), so it's kind of lost on me (might just be my own stupidity). It could mean soldiers green camo outfits, but I tend to think of soldiers more in the beige camo of the desert. If it is supposed to represent green army wear, you might want to try and clarify.

We curse the hoary hairs of age
in bed and league with time.
So, hey ho we’ll drink to the day
and miss a later clime.

So, hey ho seems like filler to me, and it doesn't sound particularly good (to me) either. I don't know what is meant by later clime.

We’ll wash the ebbing wars away,
or needle nettles clean,
and it's twenty days off the horse
until nightmares and dreams.
I like the finish, but am unsure of the significance of twenty days.

I get a picture of a soldier in-between tours of duty, or on break while on a tour of duty (for twenty days?) who's become disillusioned by the war, and now just wants to enjoy life. It works for me, but there are some bits and pieces that I have trouble wrapping my head around, or don't sound right. Others will probably give you better feedback; I don't typically crit in serious.

Thank you for commenting, you make some excellent points. Just to clarify David is referenced in the Battle Hymn of the republic, Horse can be used to describe heroin. Green is commonly used to represent youth and spring in poetry, but I think a more accurate description of the uniforms would probably work better. The bower of bliss is a poetic construction and I suppose its used in Paradise Lost and America was sort of like the new Eden. I may be overstepping a little with that, but it seems America was thought of as a place of new beginning supposedly away from the history of Europe. Alright, I suppose that's it for my narcissistic ramble, thanks for commenting.

[LorettaYoung]

Oh boy, I posted in this section because the feedback is good in this thread.

Our glory’s waving new and old.
It guides in patterned lines
of red and blue they set above
a blank slate page enshrined.

If this were my poem I would probably try to make this opening stanza one sentence. The period at the end of the first line sort of stops me and makes it hard to find the rhythm from the start.

Our idol is this colored flag
that’s scrawled upon but white.
Our blissful bower’s always ripe,
and hid from winter’s bite.

I like the word bower, I had to look it up. I thought this stanza worked.

The noiseless sounding cannon blasts
are soaring from remotes.
Some cheer for mellow David’s sling
through our green colored coats.

I like the first two lines of this stanza a lot; it represents both drone warfare, and the public being fed news of war on their tv. The third line David vs Goliath thing could work, but I don't understand the significance of Green coats (but not a real green coat, that's cruel), so it's kind of lost on me (might just be my own stupidity). It could mean soldiers green camo outfits, but I tend to think of soldiers more in the beige camo of the desert. If it is supposed to represent green army wear, you might want to try and clarify.

We curse the hoary hairs of age
in bed and league with time.
So, hey ho we’ll drink to the day
and miss a later clime.

So, hey ho seems like filler to me, and it doesn't sound particularly good (to me) either. I don't know what is meant by later clime.

We’ll wash the ebbing wars away,
or needle nettles clean,
and it's twenty days off the horse
until nightmares and dreams.
I like the finish, but am unsure of the significance of twenty days.

I get a picture of a soldier in-between tours of duty, or on break while on a tour of duty (for twenty days?) who's become disillusioned by the war, and now just wants to enjoy life. It works for me, but there are some bits and pieces that I have trouble wrapping my head around, or don't sound right. Others will probably give you better feedback; I don't typically crit in serious.

---

Oh boy, I posted in this section because the feedback is good in this thread.

Our glory’s waving new and old.
It guides in patterned lines
of red and blue they set above
a blank slate page enshrined.

Our idol is this colored flag
that’s scrawled upon but white.
Our blissful bower’s always ripe,
and hid from winter’s bite.

The noiseless sounding cannon blasts
are soaring from remotes.
Some cheer for mellow David’s sling
through our green colored coats.

We curse the hoary hairs of age
in bed and league with time.
So, hey ho we’ll drink to the day
and miss a later clime.

We’ll wash the ebbing wars away,
or needle nettles clean,
and it's twenty days off the Horse
until nightmares and dreams.

---

Hi Brownlie: My only questions are about S4; how does age relate? and lines 3-4 feel like filler. Green coats: green baret's are you talking about or just, soldiers coats are often green. All in all very nice. Best Loretta

[Brownlie]

Oh boy, I posted in this section because the feedback is good in this thread.

Our glory’s waving new and old.
It guides in patterned lines
of red and blue they set above
a blank slate page enshrined.

If this were my poem I would probably try to make this opening stanza one sentence. The period at the end of the first line sort of stops me and makes it hard to find the rhythm from the start.

Our idol is this colored flag
that’s scrawled upon but white.
Our blissful bower’s always ripe,
and hid from winter’s bite.

I like the word bower, I had to look it up. I thought this stanza worked.

The noiseless sounding cannon blasts
are soaring from remotes.
Some cheer for mellow David’s sling
through our green colored coats.

I like the first two lines of this stanza a lot; it represents both drone warfare, and the public being fed news of war on their tv. The third line David vs Goliath thing could work, but I don't understand the significance of Green coats (but not a real green coat, that's cruel), so it's kind of lost on me (might just be my own stupidity). It could mean soldiers green camo outfits, but I tend to think of soldiers more in the beige camo of the desert. If it is supposed to represent green army wear, you might want to try and clarify.

We curse the hoary hairs of age
in bed and league with time.
So, hey ho we’ll drink to the day
and miss a later clime.

So, hey ho seems like filler to me, and it doesn't sound particularly good (to me) either. I don't know what is meant by later clime.

We’ll wash the ebbing wars away,
or needle nettles clean,
and it's twenty days off the horse
until nightmares and dreams.
I like the finish, but am unsure of the significance of twenty days.

I get a picture of a soldier in-between tours of duty, or on break while on a tour of duty (for twenty days?) who's become disillusioned by the war, and now just wants to enjoy life. It works for me, but there are some bits and pieces that I have trouble wrapping my head around, or don't sound right. Others will probably give you better feedback; I don't typically crit in serious.

---

Oh boy, I posted in this section because the feedback is good in this thread.

Our glory’s waving new and old.
It guides in patterned lines
of red and blue they set above
a blank slate page enshrined.

Our idol is this colored flag
that’s scrawled upon but white.
Our blissful bower’s always ripe,
and hid from winter’s bite.

The noiseless sounding cannon blasts
are soaring from remotes.
Some cheer for mellow David’s sling
through our green colored coats.

We curse the hoary hairs of age
in bed and league with time.
So, hey ho we’ll drink to the day
and miss a later clime.

We’ll wash the ebbing wars away,
or needle nettles clean,
and it's twenty days off the Horse
until nightmares and dreams.

---

Hi Brownlie: My only questions are about S4; how does age relate? and lines 3-4 feel like filler. Green coats: green baret's are you talking about or just, soldiers coats are often green. All in all very nice. Best Loretta

Well, Carpe Diem poems deal with seizing the day, and hoary hairs of age would be a whitish beard that would look like snow in winter. I was hoping to convey the Carpe Diem idea by having the speaker cursing old age and sort of wishing to die young. Hoary was also meant to be a homophonic pun with "whory" (which I suppose isn't a real word though it may be slang). So there's my rather verbose response. Thanks for reading.

[billy]

the title sort of makes me think of bravery and going into battle,

the poem has the feel of a song of war. not sure the meter works but in places i stumbled.

Oh boy, I posted in this section because the feedback is good in this thread.

Our glory’s waving new and old.
It guides in patterned lines
of red and blue they set above
a blank slate page enshrined. so this is the flag above or over a monument, though my americana knowledge isn't good i'd say the declaration of independence. lines/enshrined feel a little off

Our idol is this colored flag idol seems wrong as the flag is more a rally point or symbol
that’s scrawled upon but white. but white?
Our blissful bower’s always ripe,
and hid from winter’s bite.

The noiseless sounding cannon blasts not sure this it correct but it works well for me, i feels something akin to shell shock
are soaring from remotes.
Some cheer for mellow David’s sling
through our green colored coats.

We curse the hoary hairs of age for me this would make a better opening line. everything is able to follow it.
in bed and league with time.
So, hey ho we’ll drink to the day the meter feels off here, (though it may be me not reading it properly) a suggestion would be [today] instead of [to the day]
and miss a later clime.

We’ll wash the ebbing wars away, best line of the poem
or needle nettles clean,
and it's twenty days off the Horse again the meter feels a bit off.
until nightmares and dreams. clean/dreams could be better.

[tomoffing]

Oh boy, I posted in this section because the feedback is good in this thread.

Our glory’s waving new and old.
It guides in patterned lines
of red and blue they set above
a blank slate page enshrined.
I'd semi colon from line one, and drop they in line 3 to maintain the flag as the subject. Also should blank slate be hyphenated as a compound adjective?

Our idol is this colored flag
that’s scrawled upon but white. Lost here, scrawled upon but white?
Our blissful bower’s always ripe,
and hid from winter’s bite.

The noiseless sounding cannon blasts
are soaring from remotes. The noiseless cannon conflicts in line 1 here, but it's resolved once I realise we're talking drones so I would not change it. Soaring from remotes is problematic though, as the blasts don't soar from the remote. I really like the idea however.
Some cheer for mellow David’s sling
through our green colored coats. I think you can do better than green colored...

We curse the hoary hairs of age
in bed and league with time.
So, hey ho we’ll drink to the day this is clunky, although I enjoy the colloquial tone
and miss a later clime.

We’ll wash the ebbing wars away, great line. Just great.
or needle nettles clean, I'm not grasping this at all. Sorry.
and it's twenty days off the Horse
until nightmares and dreams.

Thanks for the read, t

[Brownlie]

Oh boy, I posted in this section because the feedback is good in this thread.

Our glory’s waving new and old.
It guides in patterned lines
of red and blue they set above
a blank slate page enshrined.
I'd semi colon from line one, and drop they in line 3 to maintain the flag as the subject. Also should blank slate be hyphenated as a compound adjective?

Our idol is this colored flag
that’s scrawled upon but white. Lost here, scrawled upon but white?
Our blissful bower’s always ripe,
and hid from winter’s bite.

The noiseless sounding cannon blasts
are soaring from remotes. The noiseless cannon conflicts in line 1 here, but it's resolved once I realise we're talking drones so I would not change it. Soaring from remotes is problematic though, as the blasts don't soar from the remote. I really like the idea however.
Some cheer for mellow David’s sling
through our green colored coats. I think you can do better than green colored...

We curse the hoary hairs of age
in bed and league with time.
So, hey ho we’ll drink to the day this is clunky, although I enjoy the colloquial tone
and miss a later clime.

We’ll wash the ebbing wars away, great line. Just great.
or needle nettles clean, I'm not grasping this at all. Sorry.
and it's twenty days off the Horse
until nightmares and dreams.

Thanks for the read, t

Thanks, I got your post just in time. Blank slate was supposed to be a tabula rasa reference, but I don't think it worked.

[Erthona]

I'm assuming this is accentual verse as it holds to no meter, but alternates lines between 4 and 3 accents per line. Very much like Ballad Meter, except it is not in iambs.


"and it's twenty days off the Horse" -->"it's twenty days off of the Horse"

Only cap the beginning of a line if preceded by a period. (Makes the reading easier.)

A number of lines seem to indicate a time not of the present. Such as the following appear to relate to the Knights Templar and others of the middle ages during the Crusades:

"We quaffed our chuck with rosy cheeks,
and marched to Palestine."

So the first three stanzas seem to fall into earlier times and are not about the US military, then the last two definitely are of modern times and the last about the US military.

The question for me is what do these groups (however many there are) have in common. Maybe drugs, first nicotine, the pot. Are they connected because they all are supposed to be Christians?

I think who you are talking about, and how they connect, as it is obvious you are condemning them, but I really have little idea who "they" are.


Dale

[Brownlie]

I'm assuming this is accentual verse as it holds to no meter, but alternates lines between 4 and 3 accents per line. Very much like Ballad Meter, except it is not in iambs.


"and it's twenty days off the Horse" -->"it's twenty days off of the Horse"

Only cap the beginning of a line if preceded by a period. (Makes the reading easier.)

A number of lines seem to indicate a time not of the present. Such as the following appear to relate to the Knights Templar and others of the middle ages during the Crusades:

"We quaffed our chuck with rosy cheeks,
and marched to Palestine."

So the first three stanzas seem to fall into earlier times and are not about the US military, then the last two definitely are of modern times and the last about the US military.

The question for me is what do these groups (however many there are) have in common. Maybe drugs, first nicotine, the pot. Are they connected because they all are supposed to be Christians?

I think who you are talking about, and how they connect, as it is obvious you are condemning them, but I really have little idea who "they" are.


Dale

Well, I think the way I've written this is confusing. This is supposed to be about drug use in the military. The nicotine off the Horse (which is slang for heroin) is supposed to be a brief period in recovery. I used Mellow David to refer to the military which is called David in the battle hymn of the republic. My idea was that the country, and the military by extension, is the paradoxical image of an older David, but I suppose that's confusing. Thanks for commenting.