I'm Still Tying My Shoe

[Vika]

Sunset

Escape of thoughts never
Completely contemplated

The mark of another word I failed
To say right

Sound of a prayer for light to see my way
Aware that I’m blind


Dawn

A shot to start the race
I’m still tying my shoe

It’s the hesitation to shoot the mocking bird
Singing my requiem

Beginning a life long journey
That starts one step back

[billy]

Sunset

Escape of thoughts never
Completely contemplated

The mark of another word I failed
To say right

Sound of a prayer for light to see my way
Aware that I’m blind i really like the self awareness of this couplet it closes of the sunset with a bit of strength.


Dawn

A shot from a gun to start the race
I’m still tying my shoe this is my favourite couplet. it leaves an good image. it feels a bit like the 1st person doesn't really care either.

It’s the hesitation to shoot the mocking bird
Singing my requiem

Beginning of a life long journey
That starts one step back

hi vika;

first off i like the poem. i felt that the first couplet could be stronger though.
would the 'sunset' and 'dawn' stand out more in italics?

i think you could have done better with the title though it is a good one, it could maybe give a chance to add something else to the poem that isn't already in there.

thanks for the read

[Wildcard]

Hi Vika,
Good to see you posting.

Such an interesting poem with a unique slant. Here are some thoughts.

Sunset

Escape of thoughts never
Completely contemplated

The mark of another word I failed
To say right

Sound of a prayer for light to see my way
Aware that I’m blind

--these lines all sound like thought patterns . . . or at least that's my take. They are vaguely pieced together as if to suggest bits and pieces of a mental impression

Dawn

A shot from a gun to start the race
I’m still tying my shoe

It’s the hesitation to shoot the mocking bird
Singing my requiem

Beginning of a life long journey --I don't think 'of' is necessary here. It reads better without it to me
That starts one step back

If I'm not wrong, you are going for a sort of loosely woven pattern here that hits the high spots. I think you've done just that, but in places it is a little too ambiguous in my opinion. But of course I could be missing something obvious.

Thanks for sharing and good to see you posting.

[Leanne]

Hello Vika, welcome back

Sunset

Escape of thoughts never
Completely contemplated

The mark of another word I failed
To say right

Sound of a prayer for light to see my way
Aware that I’m blind -- I really like this first half of the poem


Dawn

A shot from a gun to start the race -- I'm not sure you need to say "from a gun", just "a shot" would probably do
I’m still tying my shoe

It’s the hesitation to shoot the mocking bird
Singing my requiem -- this is lovely, very bitter and sad

Beginning of a life long journey -- perhaps just "beginning a lifelong journey" would do
That starts one step back -- great last line

The title seems a bit lacklustre, given that you have "I'm still tying my shoe" in the second half of the poem -- perhaps just "Untied" might give you a little more leeway.

Thanks for the read.

[abu nuwas]

Hullo! I suppose Leanne has a point about the title taking something from the line, or not adding to it---- but I have to say I thought the shoe-tying line was the high point; I loved it.

Oh, and welcome!

[Erthona]

Maybe she left her shoe untied on purpose so she would not be the one to kill a mocking bird. It is circular, but instead of bringing life, it brings regret!

From hesitation springs all things,
leaving us regretful, pondering!


Dale

[Philatone]

Sunset

Escape of thoughts never
Completely contemplated

The mark of another word I failed ...was really curious about this "mark". perfect as is; I think some kind of adjective could also enhance it!
To say right

Sound of a prayer for light to see my way
Aware that I’m blind ...understand the sentiment; did strike me as slightly cliche


Dawn

A shot from a gun to start the race
I’m still tying my shoe ...really liked the image shift from the first half to this. I actually like the line--i think, when focused on this moment, it works well

It’s the hesitation to shoot the mocking bird
Singing my requiem

Beginning of a life long journey
That starts one step back

really liked the writing overall; though I thought the closing stanzas of each section could have finished slightly stronger

[Vika]

Hello Vika, welcome back

Sunset

Escape of thoughts never
Completely contemplated

The mark of another word I failed
To say right

Sound of a prayer for light to see my way
Aware that I’m blind -- I really like this first half of the poem


Dawn

A shot from a gun to start the race -- I'm not sure you need to say "from a gun", just "a shot" would probably do
I’m still tying my shoe

It’s the hesitation to shoot the mocking bird
Singing my requiem -- this is lovely, very bitter and sad

Beginning of a life long journey -- perhaps just "beginning a lifelong journey" would do
That starts one step back -- great last line

The title seems a bit lacklustre, given that you have "I'm still tying my shoe" in the second half of the poem -- perhaps just "Untied" might give you a little more leeway.

Thanks for the read.

I changed to your suggestions... except for the title. I need to think of something better than what I have. I agree it could be better

Thanks for the read and commenting.

---

Hi Vika,
Good to see you posting.

Such an interesting poem with a unique slant. Here are some thoughts.

Sunset

Escape of thoughts never
Completely contemplated

The mark of another word I failed
To say right

Sound of a prayer for light to see my way
Aware that I’m blind

--these lines all sound like thought patterns . . . or at least that's my take. They are vaguely pieced together as if to suggest bits and pieces of a mental impression

Dawn

A shot from a gun to start the race
I’m still tying my shoe

It’s the hesitation to shoot the mocking bird
Singing my requiem

Beginning of a life long journey --I don't think 'of' is necessary here. It reads better without it to me
That starts one step back

If I'm not wrong, you are going for a sort of loosely woven pattern here that hits the high spots. I think you've done just that, but in places it is a little too ambiguous in my opinion. But of course I could be missing something obvious.

Thanks for sharing and good to see you posting.

The poem is a bit ambiguous to me as well... and I'm the one who wrote it haha. I wasn't exactly sure what I was trying to convey in this poem. It was a spur of the moment type.
Thank you for commenting and reading

---

Sunset

Escape of thoughts never
Completely contemplated

The mark of another word I failed
To say right

Sound of a prayer for light to see my way
Aware that I’m blind i really like the self awareness of this couplet it closes of the sunset with a bit of strength.


Dawn

A shot from a gun to start the race
I’m still tying my shoe this is my favourite couplet. it leaves an good image. it feels a bit like the 1st person doesn't really care either.

It’s the hesitation to shoot the mocking bird
Singing my requiem

Beginning of a life long journey
That starts one step back

hi vika;

first off i like the poem. i felt that the first couplet could be stronger though.
would the 'sunset' and 'dawn' stand out more in italics?

i think you could have done better with the title though it is a good one, it could maybe give a chance to add something else to the poem that isn't already in there.

thanks for the read

I appreciate the feedback
I'm thinking of a different title and should have one shortly. The first couplet is weak compared to the rest... I'll send a different one over to you when I come up with it.
I italicized "dawn" and "sunset" as suggested.

Thanks again

---

Hullo! I suppose Leanne has a point about the title taking something from the line, or not adding to it---- but I have to say I thought the shoe-tying line was the high point; I loved it.

Oh, and welcome!

Much appreciated

---

Maybe she left her shoe untied on purpose so she would not be the one to kill a mocking bird. It is circular, but instead of bringing life, it brings regret!

From hesitation springs all things,
leaving us regretful, pondering!


Dale

Thank you for reading

---

Sunset

Escape of thoughts never
Completely contemplated

The mark of another word I failed ...was really curious about this "mark". perfect as is; I think some kind of adjective could also enhance it!
To say right

Sound of a prayer for light to see my way
Aware that I’m blind ...understand the sentiment; did strike me as slightly cliche


Dawn

A shot from a gun to start the race
I’m still tying my shoe ...really liked the image shift from the first half to this. I actually like the line--i think, when focused on this moment, it works well

It’s the hesitation to shoot the mocking bird
Singing my requiem

Beginning of a life long journey
That starts one step back

really liked the writing overall; though I thought the closing stanzas of each section could have finished slightly stronger

Any suggestions for a less cliche way of saying it?

Appreciate the read and comment

[billy]

Sunset

Escape of thoughts never
Completely contemplated

The mark of another word I failed
To say right

Sound of a prayer for light to see my way
Aware that I’m blind


Dawn

A shot to start the race
I’m still tying my shoe

It’s the hesitation to shoot the mocking bird
Singing my requiem

Beginning a life long journey
That starts one step back

the italics make a difference for me

[Philatone]

I like the italics; bring in more of a distinction.

when I look at this:

Sound of a prayer for light to see my way
Aware that I’m blind

it does read in a slightly clunkier way than the other sentiments you've expressed rather well. you know what you want to say; I think your execution could be more concise--specifically, the "Sound of a prayer for light to see". Also, "Aware that I'm blind"--rather than telling me that you're blind, can you show it somehow? give me an example of something you do, or can't do without sight? ("sound" also felt a little vague to me; how about "Echo" or "whispers"? Just an idea)

I like the second half of the poem because it has that great transition; I really could imagine the race and the gun going off. That allows the stanza to break away to more abstract ideas, since it already has a base. I think having another 'anchor image' of sorts could strengthen the first half of the piece