Phases of Venus

[Leanne]

I have swung with Galileo, selling new world
views to lonely sorrowers in the spotlight
of collapsed suns

The conversions are isochronous; from speculation
to contempt with the pull of a string
as minds are drawn back

It’s easier to tuck heresies between my legs
one hundred at a time
than to tumble these crumbling towers

Regardless of weight, worth or birth
all things will fall

[abu nuwas]

I most liked the second stanza, I think, for the simple comparison of a pendulum, with people's rejection, acceptance and rejection of ideas. Something held first to be out of the question--and most of us agreeing--and then becoming not merely acceptable, but compulsory belief.

From the first line, I was put in mind of the wonderful astronomical clocks I have seen, here, and in Italy -- but I am sorry to say that my lofty perceptions were dragged down by the thought of anything between the legs, following 'drawn back', which for no decent reason made me think of the clitoral hood being drawn back---and I know nothing of such Down Below stuff!

So, distracted by all that -- yes, the heresies and precepts of men and institutions are nothing as the planet swings around (above the Sun?) and for that reason, and despite its alliteration and rhyme, is the last bit necessary?

[Leanne]

The clitoral hood is all your own addition to this, my dear Edward, you must be proud!

I was thinking on a much less grand scale than yourself (clitoris notwithstanding), but I'm perfectly at ease with your reading -- only from my point of view, the last bit is fairly necessary.

Thanks for a very thoughtful comment.

[abu nuwas]

The clitoral hood is all your own addition to this, my dear Edward, you must be proud!

I was thinking on a much less grand scale than yourself (clitoris notwithstanding), but I'm perfectly at ease with your reading -- only from my point of view, the last bit is fairly necessary.

Thanks for a very thoughtful comment.

I was quite sure you would find the last bit absolutely necessary; and I suppose, regardless of this, in this workshopping business, it is fair to take into account the amount of effort put in by the writer, which s/he knows, and the casual comment of the lazy reader. This lazy reader, at least!

[Leanne]

Not at all. Any questioning lets me look at a section differently and decide whether or not it's relevant -- I can then either revise it or marshall the arguments in support of it! I am grateful for everything like that, whether I end up agreeing or not.

[Philatone]

hello leanne
just to leave a quick two cents

I have swung with Galileo, selling new world
views to lonely sorrowers in the spotlight
of collapsed suns

...an image of a telescope really came to mind vividly with the last two lines, though perhaps I'm stretching too far. it is an opening that really flows, with a dramatic touch (i'm looking at you, last line)

The conversions are isochronous; from speculation ...for such a factual, scientific line, I thought this was well worded with a pleasant cadence. i was expecting more of a play of words with "isochronous", though, to show the difference between what you see now and how old something really is when dealing with space, though your original choice is probably best to show how different things are felt and experienced at the same time
to contempt with the pull of a string...the contempt I found really interesting
as the minds are drawn back

It’s easier to tuck heresies between my legs
one hundred at a time
than to tumble these crumbling towers...i admit that "towers" did lose me somewhat; wasn't sure what they were referring to: the people, their beliefs, what they are witnessing....

Regardless of weight, worth or birth
all things will fall ...things applies to many of the both concrete and abstract topics you raised in the poem, I think making this a good close that unites the whole piece

I hope I was able to extract some of what you intended, thanks for the read

[Leanne]

Many thanks -- honestly, "towers" is mostly an attempt to stick with the Galileo references, "monuments" would probably do as well, or "sacred cows" But I like towers, they're lovely and phallic!

[popeye]

Much implied in few words, reminds me a little bit of Ozymandias

in it's outcome but has a much more layered and modern drift.

Swinging with Galileo is the beginning of Ed's pendulum and also a

sort of erotica (well to me it is!) which implies that ignorance

and loneliness sometimes work in harness, the second stanza

enforces the view of peoples ignorance by how easily they are

manipulated, like puppets on a string and their minds drawn back

leaves me with a vision of a Venetian Blind (very appropriate

seeing as how you're swinging with Galileo!). the third stanza

threw me a bit but seems to say 'Fuck your heresies they'll come

to nothing anyway, It's not worth the effort to try and change

them, Galileo would have had similar 'thoughts' when they

threatened to burn him at the stake! The last two lines have been

proven true throughout history.

Loved it Leanne, thanks for sharing. Cheers

[Leanne]

Jiminy, that's a wonderful reading and I am immensely grateful that you've even got my little blind/mind pun! Thank you!

[Erthona]

"Fly me to the moon..."

[Leanne]

Time for a holiday, Dale? Or just craving green cheese?

[Erthona]

Just wishful thinking. Ah Franky, where are you?

[tectak]

I have swung with Galileo, selling new world
views to lonely sorrowers in the spotlight
of suns

The conversions are isochronous; from speculation h
to contempt with the pull of a string
as minds are drawn back

It’s easier to tuck heresies between my legs
one hundred at a time
than to tumble these crumbling towers

Regardless of weight, worth or birth
all things will fall

There are more good parts to this piece than is appreciated in the whole.This is not a new observation but a superficial reading is encouraged by the brevity, if not economy, of the format. There is a problem for me, though.This is weighty piece in non-Newtonian terms, which begs for precision of language and intent.I am forced to say that I felt that the clarity of message, obvious no doubt to the writer,is not transmitted homogeneously to the reader. Maybe I am becoming lazy but whilst I can tolerate the esoteric in romantic writing I feel averse to effort when reading poetry which seems to want to make a clear point but hides behind language. Please note that this is probably a failure to connect and so is my problem rather than yours.
To specifics.
Stanza 1 is a fine opening gambit. I stepped over rather than on it. This is probably your intent. Sorry if wrong but sorry if right,too
Stanza 2 is where my foot fell.Isochronicity in the pendulum swing rather than the lap timer I assume.....but it is not clear and we are talking physics here. Help needed.
Stanza3 OK. What? It sounds so good but what are we to make of this. Camels and eyes of needles I understood because it CLARIFIED by allegorical example. I am avoiding the picture of heresies between legs as that is more puzzling than what it attempts to clarify. A hundred you reckon . Wow.
Stanza 4 is a let down. This is an opinion based upon nothing except emotion. Never a good yardstick. I wanted more. I got less.
Overal I think this is a skeletal piece which needs flesh.........but fattening it up would be worth it.
Best,
Tectak

[Leanne]

I appreciate your input, Tectak. This is indeed a first draft and will be edited, so all suggestions are being taken on board.

Does $100 make it clearer for you? I'll not put that in the poem though.

[tectak]

I appreciate your input, Tectak. This is indeed a first draft and will be edited, so all suggestions are being taken on board.

Does $100 make it clearer for you? I'll not put that in the poem though.

Notes or coins?

[Leanne]

Coins would be awfully uncomfortable

[only rob]

Others have offered better critique than I could. I read the images of strings and tuckings in such a way that I must be entirely more debauched than abu, or more attuned to the whole suffrage thang. I really enjoyed this, and tend to look for current societal implications in anything.lol.

Your phrasing is just fantastic, and you may forgive me for the odd tangents I follow in the thrall of those phrasings and images.

[Leanne]

Rob! Your debauchery is more than welcome, I'm just happy to see you back again

[billy]

i can't believe i missed this.
after everything that can be said has been said, what can i say.

honesty and atrophy hand in hand.
the orrery of true love life science god, they all change as we make new discoveries.

it's a great piece. no nits here.

[Leanne]

Cheers Billy, to be honest I don't think much of it now that I've had so much time away from it, but I suspect I'll recover enough to at least revisit and revise at some point.

Still, if you like it there might just be something to it after all