Enûma Eliš

[Erthona]

When high heaven yet was named,
and the waters weren't yet tamed,
then from chaos all was claimed,
and molded to their great design.
Imposing order from on high,
though truth was always there,
arrogant power their reply,
in truth, they did not care.
“To act is sin, to sin to die.”
-----------------------------------------
Insanity sleeps next to my feet,
as my hands seek to avoid the humidity
caused by my tears seeping through these pages,
molding words into blackened obscurities;
stealing away the only distraction in this
my unjust and shameful exile.
Such is the price I pay for aiding fools
who in their ignorance see help as bane;
seeing what I gave freely as a treasure to be stolen,
and my only reward for giving away my heart
is their nescient contempt, hidden behind a smile.

Depression, Dread, my old friends have come to call on me again,
as though they had been away, on some midsummer’s holiday.
Actors they are. Pretending they are not,
just as surely as I, locked
in this cell of the ever enduring unendurable.
Although not alive, they seem more so than the faces of the past,
forced through obligation to visit, so they will not appear
to themselves, as evil; or worse yet, unkind.
So as sacrifice to the altar of Sicyon do they come, benumbed.
Did I ever know them? It is hard to imagine;
we have so little in common.
I often wonder this, as a pale face floats in front of me,
murderous dark red lips flapping, as though air moving in slow
motion as it leaves the thick overlapped rubber exit of a balloon.
I would as soon not watch these grotesques expunge their senselessness,
but I find myself overly fascinated by their inane hollowness,
and in my loneliness I cannot force myself to turn away;
it has always been my greatest failing, so they say.

I am Prometheus and they are my eagles, my crows.
I watch their liver coated viper’s tongues dart
in and out of their mouths; an adder tasting air.
Testing to see which way the wind blows.
Come on then you belly crawlers,
would you sink you stainless swords into me,
so that you might bloody them like an unworthy knight
taking a virgin kneeling at prayers from behind,
that he might on the morrow claim his spurs?

What delusion! Do you think you can take what I choose not to give?
I gave you my heart, the fire that burned in my breast,
a pearl beyond price, a gift beyond all sacrifice.
Was that abscission not sufficient to calm your greed,
did it not for even a minute satisfy your orectic need?
Ah, I see. You have not the will or the courage to use it.
Did you not realize in your avarice that a fire must feed?
Yes, I see the fear in your eyes, you will not risk
feeding it what it craves, for fear of its reprise: a sacrifice
of your prejudices, your fearful misconceptions, your self-deceit,
your taboos, tightly held dogma, your false remembered heroic feats?
You fear it will pull down the defenses that keep
you from seeing things as they are,
and not as you would have them be.
You fear a Pandora’s box of incomprehensible truth;
beyond deception, beyond your control,
and outside of all your preconceptions.
If that is what you fear, then you fear true!

Did you think the power of a god came without price?
Have you not heard the old adage,
“with knowledge comes responsibility”.
Did you think it a choice?
When this fire burns, it consumes the dark deceit
so that it might illumine the multicolored truth
that sparkles ‘round and through all that is,
all that has been or ever will be, me and you,
with all robes of delusion striped away,
falsehood forever held at bay.
Color is the Lord Shiva of perception,
he is the destroyer of the black and white reality;
truth destroys the simplistic and the easy,
and it does so with an overawing finality.
Truth will freeze your soul into immobility
for it makes clear, all actions have unintended,
unexpected and far ranging consequence.
So if you would act, you cannot seek refuge in ignorance,
you will not be held blameless ever again,
for in everything, to act is sin!

"For him who need never atone,
let him then cast, the first stone."

Sad, sad, I pity you, for you are truly pitiful.
Seeing the world from such narrow minds.
Here then, give me back my wild little pet,
give me back my beloved, my life, my honor.
Here in my heart she will feed and be content.
Now go away my picayune friends,
you are not yet ready for such wonderment,
or such a burden as this gift portends.
For the moment, the only light you will know
will be the monochrome of reflected light,
ghosting over the landscape of darkness,
this, the only light to guide your sight.
For the moon reflects the distant sun,
but is the sun no more than this,
that you and the truth are one.
For you who see only in black and white,
cannot comprehend the limits of your sight.
Go on then, my poor scared children,
scurry now, back into your own dark night!

"Old gods know not death, they merely go to sleep,
underneath the ocean, down to the deepest deep.
Be careful then, when in sin, a great noise you make,
you never know just what you do, or who you might awake!"





©Erthona

[Leanne]

When high heaven yet was named,
and the waters weren't yet tamed,
then from chaos all was claimed,
and molded to their great design.
Imposing order from on high,
though truth was always there,
arrogant power their reply,
in truth, they did not care.
“To act is sin, to sin to die.” -- this first section has a wonderful chant-like feel, and sounds as though it's directly quoting the Enuma Elis, though I'm sure it's not, except for the paraphrasing of the first couple of lines. It makes a very effective setup, giving the gods a callousness that they perhaps deserve.
-----------------------------------------
Insanity sleeps next to my feet,
as my hands seek to avoid the humidity
caused by my tears seeping through these pages, -- this line strikes me as a little awkward, how would you feel about something like "from my tears as they seep through these pages"? Just to avoid another -ing and add a little regular meter
molding words into blackened obscurities;
stealing away the only distraction in this -- lots of -ings, and I'm not sure any longer if it's the tears "stealing", the hands or the insanity.
my unjust and shameful exile.
Such is the price I pay for aiding fools -- you probably don't need "I pay" here, it's implied by price
who in their ignorance see help as bane;
seeing what I gave freely as a treasure to be stolen, -- see then seeing, perhaps another word might be better?
and my only reward for giving away my heart
is their nescient contempt, hidden behind a smile. -- nice and bitter

Depression, Dread, my old friends have come to call on me again,
as though they had been away, on some midsummer’s holiday.
Actors they are. Pretending they are not,
just as surely as I, locked
in this cell of the ever enduring unendurable.
Although not alive, they seem more so than the faces of the past, -- this is quite awkward and overly telly, perhaps "They are more alive than the faces of my past"?
forced through obligation to visit, so they will not appear -- who is forced, your "old friends" or the "faces"?
to themselves, as evil; or worse yet, unkind.
So as sacrifice to the altar of Sicyon do they come, benumbed. -- nice alliteration and assonance in this line
Did I ever know them? It is hard to imagine;
we have so little in common.
I often wonder this, as a pale face floats in front of me,
murderous dark red lips flapping, as though air moving in slow -- is "red" needed? It seems one modifier too many
motion as it leaves the thick overlapped rubber exit of a balloon.-- I think "rubber" is implied by "balloon"
I would as soon not watch these grotesques expunge their senselessness,
but I find myself overly fascinated by their inane hollowness, -- "but I find myself" seems redundant to me, what about simply "I am"?
and in my loneliness I cannot force myself to turn away;
it has always been my greatest failing, so they say.

I am Prometheus and they are my eagles, my crows.
I watch their liver coated viper’s tongues dart
in and out of their mouths; an adder tasting air. -- these are wonderful lines, great allusions
Testing to see which way the wind blows. -- I'm not convinced this needs to have the period on the preceding line, as this line is not a complete sentence but rather a dependent clause, so I'd be tempted to just have "an adder tasting air/ to see which way the wind blows".
Come on then you belly crawlers,
would you sink you stainless swords into me, -- should this be "your stainless swords"?
so that you might bloody them like an unworthy knight
taking a virgin kneeling at prayers from behind,
that he might on the morrow claim his spurs? -- very evocative, even the mixing up of periods and mythologies is working here, blending it all together

What delusion! Do you think you can take what I choose not to give?
I gave you my heart, the fire that burned in my breast,
a pearl beyond price, a gift beyond all sacrifice.
Was that abscission not sufficient to calm your greed,
did it not for even a minute satisfy your orectic need?
Ah, I see. You have not the will or the courage to use it.
Did you not realize in your avarice that a fire must feed?
Yes, I see the fear in your eyes, you will not risk
feeding it what it craves, for fear of its reprise: a sacrifice -- the repetition of feed/feeding might need addressing
of your prejudices, your fearful misconceptions, your self-deceit,
your taboos, tightly held dogma, your false remembered heroic feats?
You fear it will pull down the defenses that keep
you from seeing things as they are,
and not as you would have them be.
You fear a Pandora’s box of incomprehensible truth; -- I'm not convinced at all that Pandora's box is relevant here, as there's no hope
beyond deception, beyond your control,
and outside of all your preconceptions.
If that is what you fear, then you fear true!

Did you think the power of a god came without price?
Have you not heard the old adage,
“with knowledge comes responsibility”.
Did you think it a choice?
When this fire burns, it consumes the dark deceit
so that it might illumine the multicolored truth
that sparkles ‘round and through all that is,
all that has been or ever will be, me and you,
with all robes of delusion striped away,
falsehood forever held at bay.
Color is the Lord Shiva of perception,
he is the destroyer of the black and white reality;
truth destroys the simplistic and the easy,
and it does so with an overawing finality.
Truth will freeze your soul into immobility
for it makes clear, all actions have unintended,
unexpected and far ranging consequence.
So if you would act, you cannot seek refuge in ignorance,
you will not be held blameless ever again,
for in everything, to act is sin! -- of all the stanzas, this is the one that could be most savagely pruned as it becomes rather self-indulgent and wordy

"For him who need never atone,
let him then cast, the first stone."

Sad, sad, I pity you, for you are truly pitiful.
Seeing the world from such narrow minds.
Here then, give me back my wild little pet,
give me back my beloved, my life, my honor.
Here in my heart she will feed and be content.
Now go away my picayune friends,
you are not yet ready for such wonderment,
or such a burden as this gift portends.
For the moment, the only light you will know
will be the monochrome of reflected light,
ghosting over the landscape of darkness,
this, the only light to guide your sight.
For the moon reflects the distant sun,
but is the sun no more than this,
that you and the truth are one.
For you who see only in black and white,
cannot comprehend the limits of your sight.
Go on then, my poor scared children,
scurry now, back into your own dark night!

"Old gods know not death, they merely go to sleep,
underneath the ocean, down to the deepest deep.
Be careful then, when in sin, a great noise you make,
you never know just what you do, or who you might awake!"

Some really interesting stuff here, Dale, and the dialogue is for the most part well maintained. I did find that the vocabulary became unnecessary complicated in parts -- while I have no problem with obscure words, I really do like them to be the best fit and as economical as possible, but this is a personal choice.

[Erthona]

Thanks Leanne, you are the first person to give me any concrete suggestions, and I have posted this at least three places. I agree with all but one of your suggestions, and only that provisionally. I had meant to us Pandora's box to signify that once started you can't go back. That is, once one learns the truth of something, there is no going back to ignorance. I do see a problem here with implying that this will happen all at once, instead of it being a process over time. Usually I use obscure words only because I think they catch the complete idea of what I am trying to say, or it fits with the period.

I used "orectic" as it has the connotation of grasping, which is something more beyond the idea that desirous conveys. At the time it was the easy way out. I probably need to go back and find a way to say that without it. That is really the only word that sticks out to me as being obscure. Were there others?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"caused by my tears seeping through these pages,
molding words into blackened obscurities;
stealing away the only distraction in this
my unjust and shameful exile."

Suffers from lack clarity. The idea was that his tears cause the ink on the page to run, so he can no longer read what is written. Writing and reading back over what he has written was his distraction. "Molding" is a double entendre, used as in changing their form, and as "fungi", as mold turns things black.
So it is what the tears do that steals away the distraction.
There is also the implication that tears remove the barrier to the truth, and that distraction hides the truth. This foreshadows this idea which comes front ans center later.

On the intro: Yes primarily. I am translating Apsû as God, and Tiamat as "the earth". In lines 3-5 it transitions to the age of the gods. I am trying to draw a parallel between the creation of the world and the creation of man. There is also the implication that the primary gods of Sumeria were the originals from which all of the other mythologies took their ideal. In this case, especially the Greeks. Although not directly addressed, I think there is a parallel between Enki and Prometheus.

As regards the paragraph that needs pruning: Yes, I let the speaker get a little preachy. I let him bring in "Shiva" to demonstrate that the gods were ubiquitous and only the names have changed, but it may be a bit over the top. So...

"When this fire burns, it consumes dark deceit,
that it might illumine the multicolored truth
that sparkles around and through all.
It destroys the black and white reality==
the simplistic and the easy--
and it does so with an overawing finality.
It will freeze your soul into immobility
for it makes clear all actions have
unintended and unexpected consequences.
If you would act, you would no longer
be able to seek refuge in ignorance:
you will never again be held blameless.
To act is to sin!"

It is a bit cleaner now I think. Although now it seems a bit too didactic. Since it takes away his anger, it takes away the effect of him softening his mood in the next stanza. I'll work on it.

Thanks again for the work you put in on this. Generally I have been glad if someone will just read it all the way through, as it seems to be a larger burden than I had originally thought it was. Once I clear up some of these parts that need work, it will hopefully become easier to read. At least I will know it it is the content or the writing.

One last thing. I was ambivalent about the last section, the one in italics. I thought it might be too cutesy, and not seem completely in keeping with the rest of the poem. If you have a thought on this feel free.

Thanks again,

Dale

[Leanne]

Personally, I like the last section. It has a bardic feel to it, as if the entire story may be told at a fireside and the end is a caution -- I can picture the bard setting himself up with the fire illuminating his face, leaning forward with a finger pointing at some hapless soul in the front row

Orectic is the one that stands out, I think most others are ok but you do need to be careful lumping a whole lot of them together. I would say that about any modifiers though, not just "complicated" words.

[Erthona]

I do so try to avoid lumping, as well as clumping...I likes me gravy smooth, I does!

Dale

[Philatone]

hey erthona, please take from my thoughts what you will. I haven't read Leanne's thoughts yet, so at the risk of repeating what was said...:

When high heaven yet was named,
and the waters weren't yet tamed,
then from chaos all was claimed,..structurally, with the "when" of the first line, I'm not sure you need the "then from" in this line
and molded to their great design.
Imposing order from on high,
though truth was always there,
arrogant power their reply,[/b]
in truth, they did not care.
“To act is sin, to sin to die.”

..enjoyed the alternate appearances of the words, like "yet" and "truth"
-----------------------------------------
Insanity sleeps next to my feet,
as my hands seek to avoid the humidity
caused by my tears seeping through these pages,
molding words into blackened obscurities; ...like the use of "molding" here, particularly with "words"
stealing away the only distraction in this ..I think this line and the next can get even more emphasis if they were their own sentence and by directly giving "stealing" a subject (like they). Otherwise, I felt that they could get slightly overpowered by the rhythm/ -ing's
my unjust and shameful exile.
Such is the price I pay for aiding fools ...I almost wanted something stronger than "fools" when seen in the context of the rest of your word choice in this stanza. speaking of which, your word choice for the most part is really consistent and appropriate I feel
who in their ignorance see help as bane;
seeing what I gave freely as a treasure to be stolen,
and my only reward for giving away my heart
is their nescient contempt, hidden behind a smile.

Depression, Dread, my old friends have come to call on me again, ...played with making a new line after "Dread," as well as removing the "come to" changing it to something "...have called on me again"
as though they had been away, on some midsummer’s holiday. ..hmmm...I understand the intention, but I couldn't help but wonder if it were crucial
Actors they are. Pretending they are not,
just as surely as I, locked
in this cell of the ever enduring unendurable....pretty dramatic
Although not alive, they seem more so than the faces of the past, ...I think this could be phrased more eloquently/ concisely
forced through obligation to visit, so they will not appear
to themselves, as evil; or worse yet, unkind. ...not sure if you need the "to themselves";I think it's already clear with the "they will not appear"
So as sacrifice to the altar of Sicyon do they come, benumbed.
Did I ever know them? It is hard to imagine;
we have so little in common.
I often wonder this, as a pale face floats in front of me,
murderous dark red lips flapping, as though air moving in slow
motion as it leaves the thick overlapped rubber exit of a balloon.
I would as soon not watch these grotesques expunge their senselessness,
but I find myself overly fascinated by their inane hollowness,
and in my loneliness I cannot force myself to turn away;
it has always been my greatest failing, so they say....who?

I am Prometheus and they are my eagles, my crows.
I watch their liver- coated viper’s tongues dart
in and out of their mouths; an adder tasting air. ...enjoyed this opening. do you need the period after "air"?
Testing to see which way the wind blows.
Come on then you belly crawlers,
would you sink your stainless swords into me,
so that you might bloody them like an unworthy knight
taking a virgin kneeling at prayers from behind,
that he might on the morrow claim his spurs?

What delusion! Do you think you can take what I choose not to give?
I gave you my heart, the fire that burned in my breast,
a pearl beyond price, a gift beyond all sacrifice.
Was that abscission not sufficient to calm your greed,
did it not for even a minute satisfy your orectic need?
Ah, I see. You have not the will or the courage to use it.
Did you not realize in your avarice that a fire must feed?...just want to make the sure the "that" is where you want it, as opposed to after "realize"
Yes, I see the fear in your eyes, you will not risk
feeding it what it craves, for fear of its reprise: a sacrifice
of your prejudices, your fearful misconceptions, your self-deceit,
your taboos, tightly held dogma, your false remembered heroic feats?
You fear it will pull down the defenses that keep
you from seeing things as they are,
and not as you would have them be.
You fear a Pandora’s box of incomprehensible truth;
beyond deception, beyond your control,
and outside of all your preconceptions....not sure if you need this line and the previous; I think you captured it already in the 3-4 lines before it
If that is what you fear, then you fear true!

Did you think the power of a god came without price?..another good opening I think
Have you not heard the old adage,
“with knowledge comes responsibility”.
Did you think it a choice?
When this fire burns, it consumes the dark deceit ...the "fire" again?
so that it might illumine"illuminate"? just checking the multicolored truth
that sparkles ‘round and through all that is,
all that has been or ever will be, me and you,
with all robes of delusion striped ..."stripped" away,
falsehood forever held at bay.
Color is the Lord Shiva of perception,
he is the destroyer of the black and white reality;
truth destroys the simplistic and the easy,
and it does so with an overawing finality.
Truth will freeze your soul into immobility...not sure if "into immobility is needed. If you want to emphasize it, changing "freeze" could give you more of a contrast of images and add some spice
for it makes clear, all actions have unintended,
unexpected and far-ranging consequence.
So if you would act, you cannot seek refuge in ignorance,
you will not be held blameless ever again,
for in everything, to act is sin!

"For him who need never atone,
let him then cast, the first stone."

Sad, sad, I pity you, for you are truly pitiful.
Seeing the world from such narrow minds.
Here then, give me back my wild little pet,
give me back my beloved, my life, my honor.
Here in my heart she will feed and be content.
Now go away my picayune friends,
you are not yet ready for such wonderment,
or such a burden as this gift portends.
For the moment, the only light you will know
will be the monochrome of reflected light,
ghosting over the landscape of darkness,
this, the only light to guide your sight.
For the moon reflects the distant sun,
but is the sun no more than this, ...like the sentiment
that you and the truth are one.
For you who see only in black and white,
cannot comprehend the limits of your sight.
Go on then, my poor scared children,
scurry now, back into your own dark night!

"Old gods know not death, they merely go to sleep,
underneath the ocean, down to the deepest deep.
Be careful then, when in sin, a great noise you make,
you never know just what you do, or who you might awake!"





©Erthona

not sure how useful all of this will be. I found some lines a bit more dramatic and drawn-out then necessary, but perhaps it was done to truly imitate how the speaker would express himself.

[Erthona]

Phil,

Thanks for the critique. I agree with most of what you said. On the points I don't I will clarify, and if you don't think that makes sense you can let me know.

..structurally, with the "when" of the first line, I'm not sure you need the "then from" in this line,
yes, it is a bit of filler to smooth the line rhythmically.
--------------------------------------------------------
..hmmm...I understand the intention, but I couldn't help but wonder if it were crucial

not crucial, but it helps to create a sense of depth, especially as this is a personification of two feelings. It also helps with they're weightiness when compared with the real people who come to see him.
I guess I would call it a dramatic device, as it helps to introduce what are i.e., non characters as characters, and play them off as being more real than his visitors, this also helps to make his visitors (the humans) seem less substantial by comparison.

...the "fire" again?
Well this is playing off the Prometheus myth, and that he gave fire to humans...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"not sure how useful all of this will be. I found some lines a bit more dramatic and drawn-out then necessary, but perhaps it was done to truly imitate how the speaker would express himself."

One can nearly always find me being over the top at times, and it is important to keepin time with the character, so I will read back over it with that in mind.

Thanks again,

Dale