Posts: 9
Threads: 4
Joined: Nov 2011
Keeping this unseen face
I'm talking, talking to you
Whispering for an end of this
A silence, the echo of the wall
Unvisible scream
I speak in dry tears
They reveal by your
silent apologies
I'm holding on
Running in circles
Wisdom is hiding in
missing parts of us
Until then, it hurts
Waiting for a change
To come back to start
Of loving each other
~Unlock the heavens in my mind~![[Image: heart_gif.gif]](http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_-4wN-hZDKto/SvGy2q21zVI/AAAAAAAAAJo/jXFxoCkJ4a0/s320/heart_gif.gif)
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
You've got an interesting piece here, with some turns of phrase I really like. I really love "wisdom is hiding // in missing parts of us".
There are some problems with grammar in a few parts: for instance, in the second stanza: "I speak in dry tears// They reveal by your// silent apologies." Should instead be "... They reveal at your// silent apologies." ? Not sure I'm reading it correctly, though.
Also the final line should read I think read as "...to start// loving each other".
In the final stanza, the first line seems out of place: Until
when? Until wisdom is no longer hiding? (I'm just making a guess) I think this line needs a bit more context.
Other than that, I think this is a very promising piece. Thanks for sharing
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 9
Threads: 4
Joined: Nov 2011
(01-09-2012, 01:54 PM)addy Wrote: You've got an interesting piece here, with some turns of phrase I really like. I really love "wisdom is hiding // in missing parts of us".
There are some problems with grammar in a few parts: for instance, in the second stanza: "I speak in dry tears// They reveal by your// silent apologies." Should instead be "... They reveal at your// silent apologies." ? Not sure I'm reading it correctly, though. Also the final line should read I think read as "...to start// loving each other".
In the final stanza, the first line seems out of place: Until when? Until wisdom is no longer hiding? (I'm just making a guess) I think this line needs a bit more context.
Other than that, I think this is a very promising piece. Thanks for sharing
thank you for the feedback!
I find the grammar very difficult in this language and it's not my mother tongue, so..
Yes, you're right about that. I will work it out!
~Unlock the heavens in my mind~
