Nephilim

[Erthona]

They were gods, angels, but they fell,
at the sight of a little human woman tail.
Damn, I must be a god as well!

erthona

©2012

[grannyjill]

Made me laugh, anyway!

but, as a serious critic of poetry I would say the second line needs a rhythm tweak.

I can't give any alternatives! (and if you don't do a tweak - I reckon you need a possessive 's after tail)

You will be pleased with me. I looked up Nephilim! I also had to look up 'tail' - (I've led a sheltered life) What a strange word to use for a woman's genitals!!!

[Erthona]

"What a strange word to use for a woman's genitals!!!"

I thought it captured the attitude, without using words that are not...well, you know! However in this instance it is used more as a trait, than an object, and if I wrote "human woman sexuality" I do not think you need to indicate possession. You can correct me if I am wrong.

The second line is intentional, so that it slows the reading. Think of, man walking down road, passed by girl going in opposite direction, he turns to follow with his eyes, but keeps walking in the same direction, probably nearly tripping himself. I am sure you have seen this maneuver by human males before. It is often times accompanied with such phrases as, "Oh wow, did you see that?" "Christ, God almighty", or the ubiquitous "wolf whistle". I could easily make it meteorically similar to the first line, or technically accentually similar as both lines 1 and 3 are four foot lines (tetrameter) of accentual verse. The second line is pentameter. So that

"little human woman tail."

becomes a drop in line of trochee tetrameter with a half foot.

The phrase "at the sight of a" starts out as almost a triplet form with "at the sight", which can be said rather quickly, but the "of a" begins to slow it down, then the forced trochee slows it further. It is similar to the idea of a caesura, except instead of a single pause for emphasis, this is like imparting it to nearly the whole line.

As I said, that is my rational for it, it may or may not work. It is something I do quite often, that is trying to manipulate the tempo of the line reading through various means. As we discussed before, it is similar to dictating the note lenght in music.

Thanks for the comments,

Dale

[Wildcard]

Nicely done, sir. 'Tail' is common here in Alabama (I mean the use of the word to describe: sex, a woman in general, her sexuality, etc) And while I didn't notice the 'slow-down' line, I did read it that way subconsciously. Thanks to Jill for bringing it up.

[Erthona]

Mark,

It could be we are close enough in speech patterns, that the line doesn't read as jarring, whereas GrannyJill, being on that little island of hers has greater divergence from us, than we do from each other. Whereas she might break it into a two syllable pattern

at the | sight of | a

I tend to run the first three words together, if not the first four, and unconsciously consider it as a single group, rather than two distinct groups. I suspect in this, you and I have similar speech inflections.

You did however crush my hopes by including the parenthetical explanation of "'Tail' is common here in Alabama". I was ready to pack!

Dale

[billy]

i've heard women called pieces of tail etc but never the expression "little human woman tail"

[Wildcard]

To me that line breaks down the same as 'a little alcohol' . . . the little meaning a small amount and not indicating the size(or mass) of the tail in question.

[Leanne]

Definitely works for me, Dale -- I love "tail" because it gives that extra allusion of something demonic. And it made me laugh, for which I am always grateful.

[Erthona]

Mark,

I think I was thinking of it like, it's a part of what makes "woman", and it cannot possess itself.

Thanks Leanne.

I guess a chuckle is better than a chill!

I knew for some reason "tail" was a good choice, that it felt right, but I couldn't put my finger on it, and why never rose to consciousness. I guess the Muse felt like giving us a laugh. It's funny I had the visual of this girl named Loushane Italian I knew in High School flash in my mind when I was writing this. I think she would have made a good Eve. Lush curly light ash blonde hair, voluptuous, tranquil and accepting, and of course a nice backside! I haven't thought of her in 36 years. How strange.

A piece of nooky to tempt Anunnaki

Dale

[grannyjill]

I accept your explanation for creating a slowing down line...(with a pinch of salt)

(you can't get me for it........I'm off)

[Erthona]

Ah, you're so pinche!


BTW Did you know that the pillar of salt describing Lots wife is a misinterpretation? It should have been "Ash" instead of "Salt".

Dale