Away from you

[babeismijnkat]

Blown away
Sway in the wind
Don't leave me
Unembraced

Darlin' come with me
Let the voices scream
'Till this endless flow
Shouts in silence

I heard them calling
The rude heartless
But they couldn't hold me
Away from you, my love

I'm sorry to just
To just, not adjust
To ignore these
Ruthless thoughts

[Wildcard]

Hi there,
Haven't seen you around in a while. It's good to see you posting.

Try and leave some feedback for the other poets when you can.

Blown away --it's not the strongest opening (no offense) but I definitely like the image the first section gives of being stranded and unable to feel anchored alone
Sway in the wind
Don't leave me
Unembraced

Darlin' come with me --to me the use of "darlin'" contrasts with the language of "'tis". I could be wrong though
Let the voices scream
'Till this endless flow
Shouts in silence

I heard them calling --the tense seems mixed up. If you use 'heard'(past tense) then I think you should replace "can't" with "couldn't"
Those rude heartless
But they can't hold me
Away from you, my love

I'm sorry to just --I think I get what you're trying to do with the repetition here, but IMO it doesn't work
To just, not adjust
To ignore these
Ruthless thoughts

There is a lot of emotion here and I think with some edits you will be able to shape this into something great. Thanks for sharing.

[Erthona]

Generally it reads smoothly. I don't understand he use of 'Till, since you are not using a meter on this.

Also the phrase "Those rude heartless". It seems as though it is written with heartless as a noun, except heartless is not a noun. It makes me want to ask, "Rude heartless what? Even if it is suppose to the preceding line

"I heard them calling"

It still needs a noun.

Dale

[grannyjill]

I agree with Erth the line 'Those rude heartless' feels as if it is left suspended waiting for something.

The rude, the heartless - would fix it
or
Those rude heartless...you could have creative fun with this line...hounds (alliteration) dudes (echo-rhyme with 'rude'), fiends, morons, bastards, shuttered minds, etc. etc. etc.

[babeismijnkat]

hi everyone

thank you so much for the feedbacks!

the 'those rude heartless' means that the person who reads it can fill it in by theirselves, (maybe 'those rude heartless thoughts)

@mark I don't understand the difference between 'can't' and 'couldn't', but I think that's because I can't speak english very well..
I can't see "tis"?

@erthona. yes there still needs a noun and the person who reads it can fill it in..

@grannyjill hmm I think 'the rude heartless' would be better... thank you

---

oh and:


"Generally it reads smoothly. I don't understand he use of 'Till, since you are not using a meter on this."

the voices scream, but after a while the screaming doesn't make sense. So that means that the screaming is senseless. The screaming is equal to the silence, because the screaming doesn't add anything after a while and well, the silence also adds nothing.

[Wildcard]

The difference between "can't" and "couldn't":

I can't see anything right now

I couldn't see anything yesterday

It's the tense as in when you were unable to see. I hope this helps.

[Erthona]

Actually, I was not asking why you used the word "until", but why you were using the apparent contracted form "til" (one "l" not two), especially at the start of a line. Why not just use "Until", or "Till"?.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Further information regarding contractions
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Contractions examples: isn't, couldn't, can't, weren't, he'll, they're

can't=cannot Present tense
couldn't=could not Past tense
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'til=until not "till" 'til is the contracted form of "until", "till" is a different word.

The difference:
Until is generally used as a conjunction, although it can also be used as a preposition.

till is generally used as a preposition, although it can also be used as a conjunction.

'til is usually used in formal poetry to replace until because the use of until is contrary to the meter being used, or in dialogue to indicate a certain dialect.

Many words are abbreviated or contracted through the use of an apostrophe (') even=e'en ever=e'er
Many of these words arose out of the need in formal poetry to keep to the meter.

[babeismijnkat]

thank you very much for the information! It helps me.