Danu's Sorrow

[Leanne]

In Tir na n-Og the poets dwell
The golden aes sidhe
Once gods, the children of Danu
Are naught but memory

The Dagda, father of them all
On Uaithne gently plays
Once seasons turned to its fair song
But not a tree now sways

The druids once told tales in awe
Of Ogma eloquent
Ears captive to his magic tongue
Yet now his voice is spent

Bodb Derg the many-ruling king
A poet brave and wise
The silver sandals on his feet
Now dazzle blinded eyes

Proud Brigit, smith and healer queen
Once poetess of fire
Was tamed into a quiet saint
To silently expire

In Tir na n-Og the poets dwell
Their words lost to the years
Forgot by unheroic cross
And drowned in Erin’s tears

[Philatone]

i feel unqualified to step here, nevertheless

In Tir na n-Og the poets dwell
The golden aes sidhe
Once gods, the children of Danu
Are naught but memory

The Dagda, father of them all
On Uaithne gently plays
Once seasons turned to its fair song ...the word "turned" is great here, can make "seasons" anthropomorphic among other readings
But not a tree now sways.. this line felt a little clunkier to me than it had to be, but the form does fit the rest

The druids once told tales in awe
Of Ogma eloquent
Ears captive to his magic tongue
Yet now his voice is spent

Bodb Derg the many-ruling king
A poet brave and wise
The silver sandals on his feet
Now dazzle blinded eyes ..may be nitpicky, but it seems the other stanzas really focus on a single aspect of these characters (e.g., Ogma's speech, Dagda's playing). Here, the sandals felt a little forced to me, an element included to find a way to incorporate something about him. Focusing more on his poetry or wisdom would have made more sense to me. just a thought

Proud Brigit, smith and healer queen
Once poetess of fire
Was tamed into a quiet saint
To silently expire ..favorite stanza, wonderfully woven

In Tir na n-Og the poets dwell
Their words lost to the years
Forgot by unheroic cross
And drowned in Erin’s tears

sorry if these things aren't very helpful, but I did want to share!

[grannyjill]

In Tir na n-Og the poets dwell
The golden aes sidhe
Once gods, the children of Danu
Are naught but memory

The Dagda, father of them all
On Uaithne gently plays
Once seasons turned to its fair song
But not a tree now sways

The druids once told tales in awe
Of Ogma eloquent
Ears captive to his magic tongue
Yet now his voice is spent

Bodb Derg the many-ruling king
A poet brave and wise
The silver sandals on his feet
Now dazzle blinded eyes

Proud Brigit, smith and healer queen
Once poetess of fire
Was tamed into a quiet saint
To silently expire

In Tir na n-Og the poets dwell
Their words lost to the years
Forgot by unheroic cross
And drowned in Erin’s tears

At first I thought you were making up some kind of middle earth tale...but, after researching I discover all these references are from Celtic mythology. How do you know all this stuff?

You sound as if you are having fun playing the part of a wandering bard, and I can definitely hear the lilt of old Ireland in the verses. A nice touch was the repetition of the first line of the first verse in the last verse.
(I have nothing helpful to add)

[Leanne]

Philatone, you must stop apologising -- any feedback is helpful, yours especially so. The last lines of the stanzas are the ones that gave me the most trouble and I keep changing them. In S2, what would you think of "now silence fills its days"?

Bodb Derg is trickier -- he was said to be a great storyteller, and his audience would be held captivated by the shine of his silver sandals as he walked up and down, never disturbing the grass. But I always assume that everyone else knows what I'm talking about! On reflection, it does probably seem weird to put shoes in the same category as harps and tongues. I must ruminate .

Jill, thank you -- I always get a little jealous when reading about how revered and important the bard/poet was to elder societies, especially when I look at my bank balance!

[billy]

In Tir na n-Og the poets dwell
The golden aes sidhe
Once gods, the children of Danu
Are naught but memory even without knowledge, i got the gist

The Dagda, father of them all
On Uaithne gently plays
Once seasons turned to its fair song
But not a tree now sways just in the 1st 2 stanza a feeling of past and loss is growing

The druids once told tales in awe
Of Ogma eloquent i'm caught here as to whether ogma was eloquent or the tales.
Ears captive to his magic tongue and then i'm not caught any more
Yet now his voice is spent

Bodb Derg the many-ruling king
A poet brave and wise
The silver sandals on his feet
Now dazzle blinded eyes i know what it means but it makes do a double take

Proud Brigit, smith and healer queen
Once poetess of fire
Was tamed into a quiet saint
To silently expire love this verse

In Tir na n-Og the poets dwell
Their words lost to the years
Forgot by unheroic cross
And drowned in Erin’s tears a great ending.

in truth i have no knowledge of whats written though i guessed it were part celic. it reads like a cross between lord of the rings and and something old and ruinic. erin's tears was a big help in typing the poem.
the flow of it is bloody good. the rhymes are unobtrusive and spot on. the content has a warmth to it as though the reader knows the characters being spoke of, and a sadness all the more so for the same reason. most of what i mentioned are really just nits though i did stumble a little at dazzle blinded. a good publishable piece. thanks for the read.

[Wildcard]

I'm afraid that I can only say that you guys are way out of my league with these. I feel bad because I don't do a lot of crit lately, but it is hard for me to understand what is happening. Google fails me for some of this stuff.

The wording is nice. I actually loved 'dazzle blinded' even though I didn't understand at the time the story. I really don't know much of it now, but I can definitely see that you've placed a majesty behind it as a background. Nice work and a great ending.

[Leanne]

Cheers lads. Mark, it should all be google-able -- these are the Tuatha de Danann, the semi-mythical, semi-historical original kings of Ireland. Until the coming of Christianity, poetry and the arts in general were revered and bards were almost godlike. The telling difference is, I suppose, in the goddesses and heroines -- Danu herself, Brigit, Epona the Horse Goddess, the Morrigan -- none of them nice, shy, retiring, milky-mild subservient women as would suit the Church

[billy]

I'm afraid that I can only say that you guys are way out of my league with these. I feel bad because I don't do a lot of crit lately, but it is hard for me to understand what is happening. Google fails me for some of this stuff.

The wording is nice. I actually loved 'dazzle blinded' even though I didn't understand at the time the story. I really don't know much of it now, but I can definitely see that you've placed a majesty behind it as a background. Nice work and a great ending.

in the words of bruce forsythe, just say what you see

[Leanne]

in the words of bruce forsythe, just say what you see

Perzackly

[billy]

sometimes when i see a poem that feels so out of my league i have to admit i feel like passing it by. but i don't i try and do a line by line and the feedback i give could well be a horse shed full of shit hehe. but i know i got something from it. i ogten get things arse over tit but i think it's the only way to improve on the feedback side of things. if something is that good i think it a done deal, i just try to say why i think that way.
no one really has an excuse for not giving feedback, unless of course you feel self-conscious etc. just give it ago.

[Philatone]

sorry, returning late.
with regards to S2, I would prefer the original. I get wary in rhymes that start with "now", I feel a lot of times they can end up feeling forced. maybe something more like "where now not one tree sways" or something to that extent

[Leanne]

Cheers... I tend to agree, "now" often ends up a filler... though I still get stuck with a "now"!