Comrades

[heslopian]

My body is a hick's basement:
dark and lined with bones,
implements of death gleaming
as light catches them

through a lonely window.
All of us scurry and feed,
tramping down the same worn roads,
bathing in a single wind.

Same air, same life.
The earth rotates around the sun,
beetles scurry to their beds,
a single leaf is trodden on.

[billy]

there's lots to like here, though the last two stanza feel as if they're better on there own.
i like the simplicity of 'Same air, same life'. i'm not sure the as is needed on the penultimate line.
i also like 'bathing in a single wind.it has a starkness about it.
'through a lonely window opens up many POV's,
back to the 1st stanza. i did a google of hick's basement only to find repair work offered hehe.
so the first line leaves me wondering more than i should as to who hick's is. obviously someone nasty as it's lined with bones.
i think if i knew of hick's it would strengthen the stanza.
thanks for the read jack

[heslopian]

Yeah I relied on a hoary old stereotype in the first stanza. I'll see if I can polish it. I guess by "hick" I had in mind a Texas Chainsaw type. I agree with you about removing "as" in the penultimate line. I'll change that. Thanks for the kind words and feedback, Bilbo

[rbl]

I liked how you compared your body to a basement. I thought you had some strong imagery here, with the lonely window, and the "bathing in the single wind."

[Erthona]

I'm a little confused with

"My body is a hick's basement:
dark and lined with bones"

which is lined with bones? And "Hick's" basement doesn't have much meaning for me. Is this like a rednecks' basement with horns and antlers embedded in the walls?

I can get the "we are all the same" idea, but I'm not really getting the connection. Could you help me a little here?

Dale

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback, rbl and Erthona Are you not getting the connection between the hick's basement and the "we are all the same" idea, Erthona? To be honest, I don't get it either. I think Billy had the right idea when he said that the last two verses stand alone.