Alamo

[Philatone]

Alamo V. 2
edits:
S1,L1 removed "that escaped"
S2, L1-removed day
S7- removed the "last record."..to the end of the stanza

Burdened casket
hollowed of bones
whose fingerprints paint
the leaves of live oaks;
beneath footsteps
you slept

until they came
to your splintered door
with lips dripping compliments--
Legend of the Desert,
Pillar of Hope,
Cradle of Liberty.

They lured you from the clay
and dropped cages
of steel shadows
the moment you appeared.

Scars, they covered like matches,
every tooth replaced,
every broken bone
removed;
under Texas sun
you sit,
exposed as a looted tomb,
face stolen
into calendars and matinees,
evening photographs
under a sleepless flag,
magnets, names, purses, textbooks,
names, ornaments,
names.

They have strapped
the city to your back
and laid a road to march,

leading with trumpets and drums
as if you had won a war,

But go back,
shrine
of a lonely sun;

return to open arms
of clay,
ones that rocked
everyone you knew
to sleep
when no wall or roof
could keep the soul
down.

-------------------------------------------



*to clarify, the Alamo is a former mission-turned-mini-fortress of sorts in San Antonio where a battle was fought in Texas between Americans and Mexicans... This is a very raw piece that has put up quite a fight over the last 2 weeks (fitting for the topic), so any help in taming it would be wonderful



Alamo

Casket that escaped,
hollowed of bones
whose fingerprints paint
the leaves of live oaks;
beneath footsteps
you slept

until the day they came
to your splintered door
with lips dripping compliments--
Legend of the Desert,
Pillar of Hope,
Cradle of Liberty.

They lured you from the clay
and dropped cages
of steel shadows
the moment you appeared.

Scars, they covered like matches,
every tooth replaced,
every broken bone
removed;
under Texas sun
you sit,
exposed as a looted tomb,
face stolen
into calendars and matinees,
evening photographs
under a sleepless flag,
magnets, names, purses, textbooks,
names, ornaments,
names.

They have strapped
the city to your back
and laid a road to march,

leading with trumpets and drums
as if you had won a war,

But go back,
shrine
of a lonely sun,
last record
of lives left
under paved fields;

return to open arms
of clay,
ones that rocked
everyone you knew
to sleep
when no wall or roof
could keep the soul
down.

[grannyjill]

Alamo

Casket that escaped,
hollowed of bones
whose fingerprints paint
the leaves of live oaks;
beneath footsteps
you slept

Casket that escaped
hollowed of bones
beneath footsteps
you slept
your fingerprints paint
the leaves of live oaks.[/b[b]]....instead of past/present/past ?

until the day they came
to your splintered door
with lips dripping compliments--
Legend of the Desert,
Pillar of Hope,
Cradle of Liberty.

They lured you from the clay
and dropped cages
of steel shadows
the moment you appeared.

Scars, they covered like matches, (matches you light? hm?)
every tooth replaced, (I don't think this line is necessary)
every broken bone
removed;
under Texas sun
you sit,
exposed as a looted tomb,
face stolen - love this
into calendars and matinees,
evening photographs
under a sleepless flag,
' magnets, names, purses, textbooks,
names, ornaments,
names.' [b]I think this isn't needed. The whole of the first part is tells us this beautifully.

They have strapped
the city to your back great
and laid a road to march,

leading with trumpets and drums
as if you had won a war,

But go back, I thought 'turn back' but saw 'return' below
shrine
of a lonely sun,
last record
of lives left
under paved fields;

return to open arms
of clay,
ones that rocked
everyone you knew
to sleep
when no wall or roof
could keep the soul
down.
(I like this final verse very much - it is both sad and heroic)

I thought everyone knew about The Alamo, perhaps not. John Wayne spread his (poor) version of the events to the world.

I have very little criticism to give for this. The choice of a place which witnessed death immediately evokes emotion in us, so you start with an advantage. But, you could have ruined that effect/affect (?) with heavy descriptions of the events - by concentrating on the shadows that remain you've produced something wonderful.

I really enjoyed reading this. My quibbles are only minor, so if not in accord with your wishes (and are ignored) you still have a very successful poem.

ps - Have you noticed how brave I am becoming....fools rush in where angels fear to tread!

[Leanne]

Casket that escaped, -- I am not convinced that "escaped" is the best word here. I expect you mean that it managed to survive despite the death inside/around it, and I wonder if "endured" might not work?
hollowed of bones
whose fingerprints paint
the leaves of live oaks;
beneath footsteps
you slept -- this sets the fort and its history apart from the world "above", at least for the time it managed to sleep, as if it only became worthy of recognition when someone realised he could make some money out of it

until the day they came
to your splintered door
with lips dripping compliments--
Legend of the Desert,
Pillar of Hope,
Cradle of Liberty. -- love the sarcasm here, made stronger by "lips dripping compliments"

They lured you from the clay
and dropped cages
of steel shadows
the moment you appeared. -- "steel shadows" being its history of warfare?

Scars, they covered like matches,
every tooth replaced,
every broken bone
removed;
under Texas sun
you sit,
exposed as a looted tomb,
face stolen
into calendars and matinees,
evening photographs
under a sleepless flag,
magnets, names, purses, textbooks,
names, ornaments,
names. -- the longer length of this strophe and that relentless list of gift-shop items and marketing spinoffs hits very hard, I like this a great deal

They have strapped
the city to your back
and laid a road to march,

leading with trumpets and drums
as if you had won a war, -- I feel like there should be ticker-tape

But go back,
shrine -- you could probably do without the break here and just shift the next line up to join it
of a lonely sun,
last record -- I feel the l-words get a little much here, and wonder if "final" might not work better than "last"?
of lives left
under paved fields;

return to open arms
of clay,
ones that rocked
everyone you knew
to sleep
when no wall or roof
could keep the soul
down.

I am completely able to empathise -- I hate seeing sites of battles or other monumental events littered with gift shops and turned into a place for tourists to say they've been. Even worse, they read the two paragraphs in the guide book and imagine they know everything there is to know, but god forbid they had to actually study an event in its true historical context without being able to take a happy snap and get a t-shirt.

I like this almost entirely as it is -- it's tempting to rub out the rawness, but I feel this is a subject that can do with a bit of discomfort.

[billy]

*to clarify, the Alamo is a former mission-turned-mini-fortress of sorts in San Antonio where a battle was fought in Texas between Americans and Mexicans... This is a very raw piece that has put up quite a fight over the last 2 weeks (fitting for the topic), so any help in taming it would be wonderful

for me the intro takes from it, everything you need is in the title.

Alamo

Casket that escaped, feels too cryptic as an opening line.
hollowed of bones
whose fingerprints paint
the leaves of live oaks;
beneath footsteps
you slept

until the day they came is 'the day' needed
to your splintered door
with lips dripping compliments--
Legend of the Desert,
Pillar of Hope,
Cradle of Liberty.

They lured you from the clay
and dropped cages
of steel shadows
the moment you appeared.

Scars, they covered like matches,
every tooth replaced,
every broken bone
removed;
under Texas sun
you sit,
exposed as a looted tomb,
face stolen
into calendars and matinees,
evening photographs
under a sleepless flag,
magnets, names, purses, textbooks,
names, ornaments,
names.

They have strapped
the city to your back
and laid a road to march, i love this small verse and it works well with the previous verse's capitalist statement

leading with trumpets and drums
as if you had won a war,

But go back,
shrine
of a lonely sun,
last record is this line needed as it feels a little redundant
of lives left
under paved fields;

return to open arms
of clay,
ones that rocked
everyone you knew
to sleep
when no wall or roof
could keep the soul
down. would safe work better than down?

it read well for me apart from the 1st verse. mainly the 1st line which i struggled to interpret. it is sad that such iconic monuments get screwed up by the tourist trade. while it didn't win the war it did the courage of a a group of men which has only been done on few occasions. another that comes to mind is Rourke's drift in africa. the last verse felt quite poignant

thanks for the read.