Posts: 54
Threads: 33
Joined: Feb 2010
their pure warm body came together
her long black silky hair stopped
at the center of her back
an image of angelic angels on the
middle of his chest
tension roamed around the room
their shadow formed against the wall
floods of excitement ran through their veins
gently he presses his lips on her soft lips
the hairs from the back of her neck
rose
slowly she kisses
his bare skin
fear in their minds
but,great anticipation
for the end
of the night
his fingers
sliding all over
her body
curiosity thoughts
perspiration running
one more stroke
hair all over the place
shouts of over joys
another night
they have
connected
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
I like this one. You managed to infuse it with a real tension and energy. And there was an emotional and sensory arc to it, where you started out in one place and ended up in another state of mind by the end of the poem.
Good job. Hope you'll find these comments helpful.
(03-03-2010, 12:36 PM)Loveblind Wrote: their pure warm body came together do you mean "bodies"? (or maybe you meant it in the poetic sense, where their bodies are actually 'one' in their union... in which case you no longer need to describe that they 'came together')
her long black silky hair stopped
at the center of her back
an image of angelic angels on the "angelic angels" is a bit redundant... try to think of a different descriptor
middle of his chest
tension roamed around the room maybe a word other than "roam"... maybe 'prowled'? Tension should be gripping, not distracted.
their shadow formed against the wall
floods of excitement ran through their veins
gently he presses his lips on her soft lips
the hairs from (change to "on") the back of her neck
rose
slowly she kisses
his bare skin
fear in their minds
but,great anticipation
for the end
of the night these last two lines don't work for me, as I don't think they'd be looking forward to the end of the night per se (that sounds to me like they want it to end). Maybe they're looking forward to the 'climax' or something similar ( you can word it without being crass 
)
his fingers
sliding all over
her body
curiosity thoughts
perspiration running
one more stroke
hair all over the place Maybe rework this line a little... when I first read it, I thought there was hair scattered all over room (though maybe it's just me and I have a weird way of reading it )
shouts of over joys
another night
they have
connected
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Posts: 20
Threads: 7
Joined: Mar 2010
Addy pretty much answered the external revisions of the poem. So here's something that can be of use for this poem. So here goes...
Thumbs up for establishing a poetic license by not capitalizing the first letter, it sort of supports the last line where there is no period. However PL shouldn’t be an excuse for taking away the poem’s internal logic. Hence you were successful in establishing PL, but you seem to have overlooked in answering why, such as the added empty space between 11 and 12.
Oh and try to materialized the adjectives and adverbs. Aside from its non-sensory function it's prone to cliches.
Anyway I think this poem can be revised. It's better than Last Words.
