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Revision
A manuscript, yellowed and grey,
creased like a discarded
Sunday afternoon newspaper,
mottled and moled.
Getting old- my skin.
A manuscript, yellowed and grey
scattered with dung-coloured patches
and creased like a discarded
Sunday afternoon newspaper.
Mottled and moled
Getting old – my skin.
I am trying to free myself from my 'normal' style of poetry writing, so I've had some fun writing this...and with no rewrites I am presenting it to you - am I on the right track?
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I've no idea, from a knowing-anything-about-poetry perspective, but it sounds good to me.
Personally, call me a prude, but I think "dung" is unnecessarily vulgar. Why not 'dun-coloured'?
Also, I might (I'm not entirely sure) be inclined to split the first sentence in half, thus:
A manuscript, yellowed and grey
scattered with dung-coloured patches.
Creased like a discarded
Sunday afternoon newspaper.
Mottled and moled
Getting old – my skin.
"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."
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I'm not sure about writing sentences (as I have done) which seem chopped off. I need help with this kind of thing. I think my old English teacher would say ....That's not a sentence! (But, I don't know quite why).
........with the break, it seems even worse.
I'm going to fight for 'dung-coloured'...as I was creating this my brain searched for a colour more interesting than 'brown'...and came up with 'dung'. I realised that what it meant to tell me was 'dun'. But this isn't edited so I left it.
Perhaps, since I hate the cow-pats on my face (edit - and body) , my subconscious might be trying to say this!.....of course, it may be just that I got it wrong.
Thank you for helping.
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No problem. I'm sure the real poets will turn up shortly. [They're a bit like buses--there's never one around when you need them then 3 will turn up all at once  ]
"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."
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Dear Touchstone,
I went away, thought about what I had written and raced back to do an edit (too late) ....it was churlish of me to ask for help and then to stand toe to toe with my fists up, squaring for a fight.
As to real poets. Aren't you one? Post me a poem so I may see if you are speaking truthfully.
bye, grannyjill
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I fear you may have misunderstood--I wasn't at all offended.
If you were to care to look at the posts I've made here they're not at all poetical. I'm not being modest, I genuinely have little skill, knowledge or even interest in poetry. I have other motives for posting on this forum, which are shrouded in mystery.
I do, very rarely, offer some thoughts on a poem if one happens to catch my eye but, as I say, they are very much the thoughts of a layman.
"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."
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Still a nice bit of rhyme in the last lines  -- and that ties it up very neatly.
I'm tempted to agree with ol' Touchy on the removal of "and" in L3, but I agree with you that it's not a sentence without a verb! So, my suggestion is simply to put a comma at the end of L2 and make it a bit of a list.
On reflection, I wonder if you really need the second line at all. It seems a little overly bitter, and the mottling is mentioned in the close anyway... but entirely your call, obviously.
I do love the metaphor, it's very well developed and has many layers.
And to TS -- the thoughts of a layman are often the most valuable. As evidenced by the proliferation of poetry sites, "poets" are easy to come by -- readers, far less so.
It could be worse
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(11-29-2011, 04:52 AM)Leanne Wrote: And to TS -- the thoughts of a layman are often the most valuable.
Oh I know that. I only comment when I think I have something at least vaguely sensible to say. I was just trying to let Jill know that I'm not some emo kid who gets upset if everyone doesn't agree with everything they deign to post.
"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."
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(11-29-2011, 05:22 AM)Touchstone Wrote: I was just trying to let Jill know that I'm not some emo kid who gets upset if everyone doesn't agree with everything they deign to post.
It's cool. We all know you're an emo adult who gets mad every time someone doesn't agree with everything they deign to post :p
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Damn my response has disappeared...I said something like
Thank you all for your responses - Leanne for practical advice, and others for lightening up the dialogue. Also, that I had intended to tell 'Touchy' (how apt) that readers of poetry are like hen's teeth, rare to the point of non-existence and thus very valuable on a site such as this.
(ps I know he isn't...touchy)
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I think it works without that line, are you happy with it though?
It could be worse
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Hi Jill,
I've been looking this one over for a minute but I wanted to see how the others were looking at it before I gave my worthless opinion
(11-28-2011, 05:04 PM)grannyjill Wrote: A manuscript, yellowed and grey,
creased like a discarded -- does the simile weaken this line? What about moving 'creased' up a line in front of 'manuscript' and reforming the simile to be 'discarded like' instead?
Sunday afternoon newspaper,
mottled and moled. --how is the paper moled? Or am I missing something?
Getting old- my skin
The last line seems a little too telly to me, but I have no suggestions for an alternative unfortunately. 
Well that's my two cents. Thanks for sharing Jill.
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Do you mean like this?
A creased manuscript, yellowed and grey
discarded like a Sunday afternoon newspaper,
mottled and moled
getting old - my skin.
........it doesn't work, Mark, - the manuscript (obviously) is my face...the next bit is a description of what it looks like, yellow, grey, creased, mottled and moled.
But, it is interesting to speak of 'telly' in the last line....since that is me (not a very good poet!) explaining what I am on about, to you, the reader. This is exactly what I am trying to fight against....my compulsion to dot all the i's and cross all the t's. But, I will have to work harder on creating something which leaves you something to do.
Thank you for your input.
(11-29-2011, 09:47 AM)Leanne Wrote: I think it works without that line, are you happy with it though?
No, I'm not happy with it because it is lacking in anything worth knowing, it has no layers for you to explore and it contains no spark...but, apart from that, it's fine!
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Jill, it only needs two layers to be poetic really -- and you have a metaphorical layer as well as the literal, so it's just dandy
I don't consider the last lines 'telly' at all, I view them as a summary and think they do their job quite well.
It could be worse
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(11-30-2011, 04:21 AM)Leanne Wrote: Jill, it only needs two layers to be poetic really -- and you have a metaphorical layer as well as the literal, so it's just dandy
I don't consider the last lines 'telly' at all, I view them as a summary and think they do their job quite well.
Crikey - that has come as a surprise! Thank you, perhaps it isn't as bad as I thought it was,
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(11-30-2011, 04:21 AM)Leanne Wrote: I don't consider the last lines 'telly' at all, I view them as a summary and think they do their job quite well.
My thoughts exactly.
"The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool."
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