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Threads: 33
Joined: Feb 2010
These thoughts
attack my mind
causing destruction
sending mixed feeling
through my veins
chills sliding between my bones
full figure smile across my face
the hair in the back of my neck rising
these thoughts has isolated me from the world
drove me near insanity
but, made me feel high above
the days I felt lower than ever.
the rush flowing in every part
of my body
secrets that only mind
and I can share
these thoughts
will effect how people
view me
however, these thoughts
are mine
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
this is a much better effort love blind. way to go
.
a few small things to mention.
(03-03-2010, 05:20 AM)Loveblind Wrote: These thoughts
attack my mind
causing destruction
sending mixed feeling
through my veins this verse works.
chills sliding between my bones
full figure smile across my face a at the beginning.
the hair in the back of my neck rising rising to rises. in to on
these thoughts has isolated me from the world have not has
drove me near insanity
but, made me feel high above and not but
the days I felt lower than ever.
line break after isolated
the rush flowing in every part
of my body make this the second line
secrets that only mind
and I can share
these thoughts
will effect how people no need for will
view me
however, these thoughts no need for however
are mine
much much better,
keep up the good work.
thanks for posting it loveblind.
Posts: 30
Threads: 19
Joined: Feb 2010
I'm going to review this in a bit, just popping by!
"To risk is to lose your footing. To avoid risk is to lose yourself"
-Soren Kierkegaard
Posts: 30
Threads: 19
Joined: Feb 2010
Billy covered most, I just have a few more things to say...
These thoughts
attack my mind
causing destruction
sending "mixed feeling"-Mixed feelings? Try using another word, sounds bumpy
through my veins
chills sliding between my bones
full figure smile across my face
the hair in the back of my neck rising- Try to use similes or express yourself a bit more creatively in this part. I know you can do it!
Also, beware the grammatical errors!
"To risk is to lose your footing. To avoid risk is to lose yourself"
-Soren Kierkegaard
Posts: 805
Threads: 374
Joined: Dec 2009
Thanks for the poem, LB. It was a little bumpy at spots but overall a fascinating read. Here are just a few comments that hopefully you'll find helpful.
(03-03-2010, 05:20 AM)Loveblind Wrote: These thoughts
attack my mind
causing destruction I'm curious what these thoughts are and how they're destructive. Try to give us some clue
sending mixed feeling
through my veins
chills sliding between my bones
full figure smile across my face
the hair in the back of my neck rising
these thoughts has isolated me from the world
drove me near insanity
but, made me feel high above
the days I felt lower than ever. try to limit the times you say 'I felt_____' or 'I feel ______'... if you felt high try saying 'I soared', if you felt low try saying 'I wallowed'. Better yet, really think about what you felt and describe it as an image.
the rush flowing in every part
of my body
secrets that only mind
and I can share I like this stanza, and I especially like the last two lines
these thoughts
will effect how people "affect"
view me
however, these thoughts
are mine you can try to put some punch in this ending. What do you mean, by "mine" precisely? That these thoughts are like a friend that hurts you, but you can't let go off? Or do you mean these thoughts, however terrible they are, are part of who you really are?Think about what you really feel
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
