moving on

[karren29]

It's been 5 days since you left my heart broken,
I thought I couldn’t bear it but I had my head shaken.
Yes it still hurts but now I know better
That we were never really meant to be together.

I've built my world around you
I thought what we had was true
I shared all my dreams with you
I even imagined you shared yours too.

I will count 5 more days, 5 more weeks, or even 5 more years
It will take that long before I can dry all these tears
I will have sleepless nights; I will forever have this fright
But I will continue to fight till I find the light.

People say it takes time to mend a broken heart
But I’m willing to have a brand new start.
I will believe in falling in love again,
And those heartbreaks are never the end.

I still love you, Oh God I really do
I still wish somehow you feel the same way too
I imagine you hugging me so tight
I really miss the way it felt so right.

But I know it's time to go back to reality
By moving on, I’m setting myself free
It will take some time but I will get over you
Someday, somehow I'll find another love that's true..

Now all I do is silently cry and pray
That God will continue to find a way
To help me forget you and live another day
And the words "I'm happy" I can finally say..

I hope this will be the last time my heart will die
For tomorrow I'll live again and I'll try to fly
I will forever treasure those sweet moments we had
And I will forget the day you made me sad..

It's really goodbye now so I'm letting you go
But before that I want you to know
That no matter what happens I will never fear
Falling in love again and shedding another tear..

[grannyjill]

Hi, Karren

I used to rhyme just as you do here, but I found that it forced me to concentrate all my creative energies in finding rhymes, rather than on making my poetry memorable and interesting for others to read....and it made me a poorer poet than I could be. I think this applies to you here.

Your poem is a personal message which is of interest only to the one you are addressing it to. I think this is why you have received no response.

[Leanne]

Hello Karren, I think you have a good basic thread running through this poem (you've done me wrong and it hurt, but I deserve better and I'm going to get on with my life), but you're strangling it a bit with the rhyming couplets as they don't follow any meter, so the rhyme falls in very unnatural ways. You could probably fix it with some work, but at the end of the day you'd still be left with rhyming couplets and in a poem like this, that's a pretty cheesy form. My suggestion would be to go through each stanza, pick out the important parts (and since your poem does follow quite a natural progression, that shouldn't be too hard) and try rewriting as free verse with some imagery instead of simply saying everything straight out.

[billy]

hi karren.

i agree with what's been said so far.
the thing i'll mention is the I's. there are I poems and IF poems and even YOU poems. for me this isn't an I poe, most of the I's can be removed. if you take out every I you can you'll see the difference.
thanks for the read.