Robin and Marion (A Narrative Poem)

[grannyjill]

Robin and Marion (Revised 13/11/11)V2 L3 inversion changed
addition of verses 4, 5, and rewrite of verse 7

Marion from her chamber crept
In the stillness of the winter’s night
And, whilst the castle deeply slept
She made her way, by moon’s clear light

Down the flag-stoned tower’s steps
Past the sleeping sentry’s post
Past the room where her mother slept
(cloistered like a sorrowing ghost).

A servant bribed; the drawbridge down
She broke free from her mother’s cord
Running barefoot through the town
To keep a tryst with Locksley’s Lord.

His voice rang from the forest deep
So long apart. So strong their ties
No stream, no vale, no mountain steep
Could stand between her and her prize.

Daylight found her by the clearing
Where Robin hid with his merry band.
Eagerly she rushed in greeting
To clutch him and to kiss his hand

Alas, poor Robin lay a-dying
An arrow pierced unto his heart
Marion fell upon him, wailing
Made a vow they'd never part.

If you venture in the green wood
You may hear the piteous cry
Of Marion mourning Robin Hood.
As both beneath the sward they lie.

----------------------------------
Marion from her chamber crept
In the stillness of the winter’s night
And, whilst the castle deeply slept
She made her way, by moon’s clear light

Down the flag-stoned tower’s steps
Past the sleeping sentry’s post
Past the room where her mother slept
(cloistered like a sorrowing ghost).

A servant bribed; the drawbridge down
She broke free from her mother’s cord
Running barefoot through the town
A tryst to keep with Locksley’s Lord.

Alas, poor Robin lay a-dying
An arrow pierced unto his heart
Marion fell upon him, wailing
Made a vow they would never part.

If you ride in Sherwood Forest
You may hear her plaintive cry
A sound to chill your heart for ever
As beneath the sodden sward they lie.

I wrote this as a kind of joke a while ago (before I had chance to read Leanne's piece on narrative poetry).
Kewpie doll to the one who finds the most examples of inversion and archaism...starting...now!

[billy]

i think inversion good at times. i'd call this a period piece so it wasn't a problem for me.
even an odd cliche that slips through isn't a problem. the narrative is good and incorporates some good images.
i enjoyed it. though it's a love story i found it to be a light one. (yes, yes, i know they died hehe)

thanks for the read grannyjill.

[Leanne]

I love "cloistered like a sorrowing ghost", what a wonderful image!

S2 L4 would actually work better without the inverted syntax, as "to keep a tryst with Locksley's Lord".

Great narrative, grannyjill -- I'd probably like to see a stanza stuck in between the second and third ones now, about their true and magnificent love etc to build it up a bit, all the better to crash it down with dying Robin

[grannyjill]

i think inversion good at times. i'd call this a period piece so it wasn't a problem for me.
even an odd cliche that slips through isn't a problem. the narrative is good and incorporates some good images.
i enjoyed it. though it's a love story i found it to be a light one. (yes, yes, i know they died hehe)

thanks for the read grannyjill.

Thank you, billy I would image the old ballads would be dripping with cliches, so perhaps mine can stay.

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I love "cloistered like a sorrowing ghost", what a wonderful image!

S2 L4 would actually work better without the inverted syntax, as "to keep a tryst with Locksley's Lord".

Great narrative, grannyjill -- I'd probably like to see a stanza stuck in between the second and third ones now, about their true and magnificent love etc to build it up a bit, all the better to crash it down with dying Robin

I agree with you re: S2 L4 and I think as the last couple of verses sort of petered out, a re-write is on the cards (with added verse).
Thank you for the kind comment re: cloistered etc.

[billy]

i think even in modern poems an odd cliche doesn't do much damage. nor would a lot of other stuff.
we read a poem in a book and like or loathe it. here in a critique forum we often get overly excessive about such things because here they are the nature of the beast. all that said. a cliche can often work better than a non cliche in the right place and poem setting. a robbing hood poem wou'dn't be a robin hood poem without a green knocking about somewhere. some things are just meant to be

the extra 2 verse reads well and gives it more depth. i like the changes to the last verse.
i think it's one of those poem that could be done in many forms. the end rhyme scheme you use is spot on.
i do understand you r keeping the meter and so i won't say the packing words need removing hehe. good edit jill

[grannyjill]

Thanks, mate....I'd almost forgotten about this one (I can't remember why I wrote it in the first place...I was simply 'mucking about' as we say here in the UK) I was playing at being a troubadour. So, it didn't deserve the attention it got.