Hope

[digna_sofia]

This will all end in tears, I promise
Good ones
bitter-salt ones that map the planes of our faces
As we press them together
connecting roads and rivers
unfolding the landscape of us
suspended in a paper-thin moment
Crumpled or folded
smelling of damp and dust
Promising horizons
and nothing more
and nothing less

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All feedback appreciated. Thank you!

[Wildcard]

Hi digna_sofia,
Good to see you posting. Your work is crisp and though it started a little slow for me, after reading the entire poem I think that slow is a great speed It feels just right and may have even taught me a thing or two about setting an appropriate pace. I am fairly new to poetry and this is in serious critique, but I will still try to give you my impressions.

This will all end in tears, I promise
Good ones
bitter-salt ones that map the planes of our faces -- this is the line that made me start all the way back over over. A very good attention grabber. And sets up the rest nicely imo
As we press them together
connecting roads and rivers
unfolding the landscape of us --again, nothing but praise here. These little direction changes or really more like splits because each layer works for me.
suspended in a paper-thin moment
Crumpled or folded
smelling of damp and dust -- damp and dust? I normally think of those as being mutually exclusive
Promising horizons
and nothing more
and nothing less -- a solid closer, imo.

All in all I think it's very promising work and you should be extremely proud! I wish I could write something like this. Thanks so much for sharing.

[digna_sofia]

Thanks Mark! I'll think about the damp and dust line, since it gave you the most pause.

[grannyjill]

This will all end in tears, I promise
Good ones
bitter-salt ones that map the planes of our faces
As we press them together
connecting roads and rivers
unfolding the landscape of us
suspended in a paper-thin moment
Crumpled or folded
smelling of damp and dust
Promising horizons
and nothing more
and nothing less

I'm not very experienced at critiquing poetry, so please bear with me.
There are lots of things which I found pleasing in your poem. The end in tears (turned on its head, with 'good ones') and the extended metaphor of maps and geography. Particularly good line I thought was 'unfolding the landscape of us'.
but, the last two lines kind of make the poem fizzle out..though I have no suggestions for strengthening them.
Hello and Welcome, grannyjill

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All feedback appreciated. Thank you!

[Todd]

Hi digna sofia,

This will all end in tears, I promise--Good opening line.
Good ones--not sure this line does enough for you. My concern beyond the line itself is that good is too vague and not tied closely to tears like bitter-salt is. If you keep it maybe pull up bitter-salt to this line.
bitter-salt ones that map the planes of our faces--one option you could do on this line if you like is to eliminate "ones that" and replace them with "to"
As we press them together
connecting roads and rivers
unfolding the landscape of us
suspended in a paper-thin moment--I like this image a lot. I kept thinking of a suspended origami crane. You could draw this out more if you wanted to. The paper-thin nature ties back to your title nicely
Crumpled or folded
smelling of damp and dust
Promising horizons
and nothing more
and nothing less--one possible option for the last three lines:

The promise of horizons
nothing more
nothing less

Those last two lines could be on either one line or two.


There's a lot here I like. Nice to see your poetry again.

Best,

Todd

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All feedback appreciated. Thank you!

[digna_sofia]

@ grannyjil: Really appreciate the feedback. It helps to know what works and what doesn't.

@ todd: Your suggestions for line two and three make lots of sense. You and grannyjill seem to be in consensus re: the last lines so looks like I have to work on that as well. Thanks!

[grannyjill]

'This will all end in tears' is a cliche..(I say it almost daily to my boisterous grandkids), but the next line gives the words a new twist. Perhaps, as Todd suggests, this little area of your verse needs a tweak, though.... I can see now that 'good' is a rather vague, catch-all word.

This will all end in tears, I promise
perfect ones (tears?)
bitter-salt to map the planes of our faces

I think Todd's suggestion for the last few lines is excellent. It tightens up the ending beautifully, but the words are still yours.

[Philatone]

hello digna, don't think i've had the pleasure of reading your work until now. here are my thoughts

This will all end in tears, I promise ..not the strongest of openings just because it is not expressing something new. it would be possible to play with the rest of the poem to express the same thing. for instance, taking out this line and replacing "ones" with "tears" in the next few lines could work wonders I think. at the same time, that little "I promise" at the end does give the line an anchor of sorts which I liked.
Good ones ..on its own, I'm not sure how I feel about this line, it can almost feel like an afterthought to me. I think adding a comma and moving "bitter-salt" up to this line would give it more nuance and strength.
bitter-salt ones that map the planes of our faces ...like the imagery in the second half of this line. As a concept, I would like to see something more refreshing than pairing "bitter-salt" with "tears"
As we press them together..nitpicky, but I don't know if you need the "as"
connecting roads and rivers
unfolding the landscape of us ..this felt very strong, especially with the "of us"
suspended in a paper-thin moment... I like the ideas here. I think the sounds are a bit clunky. Adding a comma and moving "paper-thin" after "moment" would give it a little more cadence and would also begin that flow of adjectives in the next line: "suspended in a moment, paper thin/ crumpled or folded/ smelling of damp....
Crumpled or folded
smelling of damp and dust ...hmm
Promising horizons
and nothing more
and nothing less
..I understand the close, but I think it could be tighter if you played with the last three lines. You are essentially saying that the horizons are the only thing guaranteed; I think moving the "horizons" to the last line, as opposed to the opening of the close, would make it stronger. something like "Promising nothing more/ and nothing less/ than horizons". it would just give a slightly different edge to an ending I've seen before.

just wanted to offer some suggestions to play with. I realize I moved things around a lot, sorry if nothing appeals to you. I did enjoy the read!
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