Logos

[Leanne]

Revision 6/11/11

In this new mythology, grace is bound in god’s pocketbook pasture
like the unknown soldier sinking into stone. There are echoes
that have forgotten the first shout, but bounce across entropy
in ever-diminishing consequence. And there is flesh.

It slinks across the skeleton with vile consumption, swallowing souls
and storing them belly-ward to await the acid of time. They settle with the stones
of cherries long since picked, made smooth by abrasive virtue. Carbon-anchored,
it is their dream to suffocate.

Men grey to oblivion while their tongues taste black and white.
Housed under stone, words are sentenced
and execute themselves.
In the cloth of theatre, the puppets are oblivious to strings
and dance on… dance on…

There are no curtains here, only blinds.

First draft

In this new mythology, grace is bound here in god’s pocketbook pasture
like the unknown soldier sinks into stone. There are echoes
that have forgotten the first shout, but bounce across entropy
in ever-diminishing consequence. And there is flesh.

It oozes across the skeleton with vile consumption, swallowing souls
and storing them belly-ward to await the acid of time. They settle with the stones
of cherries long since picked, made smooth by abrasive virtue. Carbon-anchored,
it is their dream to suffocate.

Men grey to oblivion while their tongues taste black and white.
Housed under stone, words are sentenced
and execute themselves.
In the cloth of theatre, the puppets are oblivious to strings
and dance on… dance on…

There are no curtains here, only blinds.

[Philatone]

hey leanne!
just wanted to share my two cents

In this new mythology, grace is bound here in god’s pocketbook pasture.. I was wondering how necessary "in this new mythology" and "here" were
like the unknown soldier sinks into stone. There are echoes..may be reading it wrong. is it missing a "how" or an "-ing" on sink?
that have forgotten the first shout, but bounce across entropy ..like the bit on "echoes"
in ever-diminishing consequence. And there is flesh. ..religious. word with the echo and flesh. like how the "flesh" literally seals off the stanza

It oozes across the skeleton with vile consumption, swallowing souls .."oozes", for this poem, just carried the wrong tone for me, but that is rather biased on my end. i do like the description of flesh "swallowing souls"
and storing them belly-ward to await the acid of time. They settle with the stones .."acid of time" is wonderful
of cherries long since picked, made smooth by abrasive virtue. Carbon-anchored,
it is their dream to suffocate.

Men grey to oblivion while their tongues taste black and white. ..nice, natural alliteration. like the part on "tasting" the colors
Housed under stone, words are sentenced ..great on so many levels, so meta!
and execute themselves.
In the cloth of theatre, the puppets are oblivious to strings
and dance on… dance on…

There are no curtains here, only blinds.

'fraid I did get a little lost in the last 3 lines. hope this is helpful!

[Leanne]

Very helpful, thanks! This is still at first draft stage, though I wrote it about a year ago -- I had posted it on the only site available to me at the time, where (despite lofty claims to the contrary) honest feedback is almost actively discouraged, so I pretty much never bothered to rework it.

I will definitely change the first couple of lines, and I'm not keen on oozes either, though I'm not entirely sure what I want to replace it with yet. I'm also unhappy with the obvious nature of the last line, but I am not sure yet whether that's my own personal aversion so I'm awaiting judgment.

Many thanks