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10-22-2011, 06:08 PM
(This post was last modified: 11-01-2011, 04:44 PM by billy.)
removed usually from beginning of L1, and male from L5, after name. (thanks addy.)/ changed Gods to Gods; thanks jack
indigo or red:
at the moment I’m emitting pastel green,
thinking of tripe and the birdy song.
Jesus, a sunbeam, and sugar dummies;
Hispanics name offspring after Him
and pronounce their mule… hey soose
God's burnt remains in silver foil;
basted like a Sunday roast,
the twenty two cc syringe
laid out for discerning followers.
After tasting; wallowing in the gravy of grief
international force feeding
via the media kitchen of bad taste
so many dead
and me
me
I’m pastel green
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This made me shudder, so I have to say the poem is effective.
It's an interesting cross pollination of introspection and train of consciousness.
[Gods burnt remains in silver foil;] This is an excellent, albeit horrible line. I've seen addiction up close and personal like - your use of God and Jesus are appropriate. A bitter savior for someone who can't care past the next fix. I can't help but remember a drawing I once saw of a crucifix inside a glass pipe. Above it was written "Can you smoke your Jesus?"
No crit, emotional response. Chewing over some synaptic remnants.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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Very bitter and sharply satirical. Most of it reads out beautifully (especially stanza 3 and how it breaks apart at the end). Personally i think rephrasing the first line might make it stronger ("usually' reads a little weak to me as a first word) but that's just me. Also in the line "Hispanics name male offspring after Him", don't think you need to qualify that as male anymore (if you know/hear the name its obvious).
Thanks for sharing. Quite an effective write.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
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thanks for the feedback Aish, thanks for the change suggestions addy. i used both of them.
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Ouch.
I guess every reader brings their own to this, and I am impressed at the (to me) new angle on the opium of the people I found here.
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(10-22-2011, 06:08 PM)billy Wrote: removed usually from beginning of L1, and male from L5, after name. (thanks addy.)
indigo or red:
at the moment I’m emitting pastel green,
thinking of tripe and the birdy song.
Jesus, a sunbeam, and sugar dummies;
Hispanics name offspring after Him
and pronounce their mule… hey soose
Gods burnt remains in silver foil; Is "Gods" meant in the possessive context, like the burnt remains of God? If so there should be an apostrophe before the "s".
basted like a Sunday roast,
the twenty two cc syringe
laid out for discerning followers.
After tasting; wallowing in the gravy of grief
international force feeding
via the media kitchen of bad taste
so many dead
and me
me
I’m pastel green
Some of the images here are fantastic. You capture the Hispanic community really well, playing on their customs without sounding condescending or even God-forbid racist. As I don't watch the news or read other people's comments before posting my own I feel like I'm missing what the poem is about, but the crisp use of image and colours makes this a great read regardless.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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thanks steff. i once knew a junky who had a supply of sugar dummies she'd suck after a hit.
Jack; thanks for the kind feedback. basically it's about the one true substitute for god; heroine. it turns people easier than god does when it gets the chance.
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Well that explains the foil. I thought it referred to a style of cooking, which I guess it does in a way  Reading the poem again knowing that it's about heroin it makes a hell of a lot more sense.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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hey billy
haven't seen the original, so that being said...
(10-22-2011, 06:08 PM)billy Wrote: indigo or red:
at the moment I’m emitting pastel green,
thinking of tripe and the birdy song.
Jesus, a sunbeam, and sugar dummies;
Hispanics name offspring after Him
and pronounce their mule… hey soose
God's burnt remains in silver foil;
basted like a Sunday roast,
the twenty two cc syringe
laid out for discerning followers.
After tasting; wallowing in the gravy of grief
international force feeding
via the media kitchen of bad taste
so many dead
and me
me
I’m pastel green
have to admit other people's comments guided me a bit through this one. My instincts draw me to the third stanza more than the others. In some ways, I think it could work on its own, or at least serve as the opening. I might be missing some significance, but the opening just does not grab me at all. It never offered me a base to settle into. Just my own thoughts, I apologize I can't be more helpful here.
Written only for you to consider.
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Hi Pt
i can understand why you think as you do about it.
on looking at it the last verse does feel to read better on it's own.
at a later date i'll do a major edit and see if i can somehow reverse the layout.
i like the idea, will think about it.
thanks for the helpful feedback
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