Morning.

[V. Dorn]

Kinda an old poem, and somewhat personal, but why the hell not?

Curtains drawn, and dark
patter on a hidden pane.
Gasp.
Heavy
sheets are smothering,
entangled in the sweat-drench
sarcophagi, clutching and straining
for rancid air.
Once I reach the morning,
lime-tinted pallor
of hospital wards and offices;
stained floors and painted walls
with dying faces -
all sunken eyes, pain
pulsing, beating against slow inevitable caress.
Strangling hands, clasped
crunching shrieks and muffled prayers
cried alone.
Useless.
They’re all deaf.

I need that lungful of cold.
Shut door behind,
and open up
into the white
pulp fog, permitting just a trickle
of dull watery
early morning sun.
It bleaches the windows
and fills the earth, bathed
the silver of birch trees.
Beautiful, scarred bodies
lay about the road
all a jumble – an attack,
their wounds look black.
I don’t get far,
a few crippled steps.
A hundred leaden stares,
a broken body.
Thankful, mawkish, dead-eyed
scavenger birds assemble.
Rightly, for each crumb of the trail
I leave behind is theirs.
A shred of me.
Sloughed, crisp skin,
sinew, muscle, and bone
all atrophied and left behind.
I’m wasting in the bare light,
dissolving in the rain
streaming away my flesh.

And you would see me
for what I really am.

[addy]

An nicely drawn-out piece VDorn. I found the narrative engrossing and intriguing, and the imagery though saddening was genuinely lovely at points. Most of my suggestions for this are merely superficial.

Curtains drawn, and dark imo you can remove "and", to heighten immediacy/tension
patter on a hidden pane.
Gasp.
Heavy
sheets are smothering, imo you can remove "are"
entangled in the sweat-drench
sarcophagi, clutching and straining
for rancid air.
Once I reach the morning, imo you can remove "once"
lime-tinted pallor
of hospital wards and offices;
stained floors and painted walls
with dying faces -
all sunken eyes, pain
pulsing, beating against slow inevitable caress. I think it would be interesting if you put a line break and drop down inevitable caress to its own line, to add a slowness to to the reading: "...pulsing, beating against slow // inevitable caress"
Strangling hands, clasped
crunching shrieks and muffled prayers
cried alone.
Useless.
They’re all deaf. Just a thought, how about spelling this out as "They are all deaf," to add more drama?

I need that lungful of cold.
Shut door behind,
and open up
into the white
pulp fog, permitting just a trickle
of dull watery
early morning sun. I think this would be much better if compressed to either "of dull watery sun.", or "of watery morning sun".
It bleaches the windows
and fills the earth, bathed maybe "bathes"
the silver of birch trees. Stunning stuff
Beautiful, scarred bodies
lay about the road
all a jumble – an attack,
their wounds look black.
I don’t get far,
a few crippled steps.
A hundred leaden stares,
a broken body.
Thankful, mawkish, dead-eyed
scavenger birds assemble.
Rightly, for each crumb of the trail
I leave behind is theirs. How about "mawkish, dead-eyed birds scavenger birds assemble, thankful for each crumb of the trail i leave behind"?
A shred of me.
Sloughed, crisp skin,
sinew, muscle, and bone maybe no "and" anymore
all atrophied and left behind.
I’m wasting in the bare light,
dissolving in the rain
streaming away my flesh.

And you would see me Since "you" seems undefined at this point (who is you?), then maybe another idea would be to rephrase this as "And I would be seen", or "And I'd be laid bare"...maybe even "they would see me" (with "they as a callback to the deaf "them" in the first stanza). Just a suggestion though.
for what I really am.

[John Holland]

Very well written in general. You are a clever writer. My only concern is that (to me) you overdo description.

"...I’m wasting in the bare light,
dissolving in the rain
streaming away my flesh"

Perhaps you could say more, with less words?

Only my opinion of course. Good luck with your work.