Presenting

[Leanne]

Edit 24/10/11

I am weary of this pattern
the in-out-clench-aah pattern
the ooh-that’s-good-now-finish-quick
slippery slick

the constant submission
to the missionary position
with all the frustration
of failed penetration
the batter and splatter
the fence

See-sawing somebody
neutered and nobody
teetering taut on the edge of the wall
wilfully, willingly
playing with poesy
waiting for friction to trigger the fall

Let me drown
bring me down
to the pearl-studded beds
that shine through the shells
of black-and-white hells
and preachers with Janus-like heads

I am weary
I am sleeping
and my metronome is keeping
time and being
never seeing
that the zeitgeist has become
less a spirit
than an irritating drum
beating softly till the audience is numb

let them come

let them come

I am done


Original version

I am weary of this pattern
the in-out-clench-aah pattern
the ooh-that’s-good-now-finish-quick
slippery slick

the constant submission
to the missionary position
with all the frustration
of failed penetration
the batter and splatter
the fence

The see-sawing somebody
neutered and nobody
teetering taut on the edge of the wall
willfully, willingly
playing with poesy
waiting for friction to trigger the fall

Tease me and treat me
to tastes of exotica
feed me erotica
spiced and sincere
whip me with whispers of
spray-sated waterfalls
white-suited curtain calls
dance in my ear

Let me drown
bring me down
to the pearl-studded beds
that shine through the shells
of black-and-white hells
and preachers with Janus-like heads

I am weary
I am sleeping
and my metronome is keeping
time and being
never seeing
that the zeitgeist has become
less a spirit
than an irritating drum
beating softly till the audience is numb

let them come

let them come

I am done

[Wildcard]

Is this a particular form? I see a rhyme pattern. I hesitate to even try to critique it anyway. Seemed bitter on the first reading. The first part seems like a complaint of (possibly years of) bad sex but later I got the feeling of the biological clock being blamed for the sex drive somehow? I'm probably messing it all up

Oh and the entire third stanza is genius imo it bounces like a nursery rhyme, but with content that is full. I caught myself reading it more than once in one reading of the poem.

[Leanne]

No, it's not any particular form -- one of those fusion thingies I mentioned And I didn't really intend it to be about sex, but rather using sex as an analogy. It's just playing around, seeing what comes out.

[billy]

I am weary of this pattern
the in-out-clench-aah pattern
the ooh-that’s-good-now-finish-quick
slippery slick some good S'work going on and i love how slick sounds like a sick dick (just my brain)

the constant submission
to the missionary position
with all the frustration
of failed penetration
the batter and splatter
the fence the internal rhythm and rhyme works really well, i like the way it runs on but wonder if all the packing words are needed. (compared to the next stanza, this one feels a little heavy.

The see-sawing somebody
neutered and nobody
teetering taut on the edge of the wall
willfully, willingly wilfully
playing with poesy
waiting for friction to trigger the fall now it seems to go from the mundane to hope. i've seem that look in my wife's eye hehe

Tease me and treat me
to tastes of exotica
feed me erotica
spiced and sincere
whip me with whispers of
spray-sated waterfalls
white-suited curtain calls
dance in my ear

Let me drown
bring me down
to the pearl-studded beds
that shine through the shells
of black-and-white hells
and preachers with Janus-like heads

I am weary
I am sleeping
and my metronome is keeping
time and being
never seeing
that the zeitgeist has become
less a spirit
than an irritating drum
beating softly till the audience is numb for me this verse feels a little to wordy

let them come

let them come

I am done i like the end the white lines have a finality to them

what a roller coaster ride. it's raunchy and sad and happy and weary and a cornucopia of in and outs and ups and downs. most of my constructive remarks are mainly niggles that could just affect me. but i put the buggers down anyway.

what i do enjoy about the piece are the internals you have going on. the on off end rhymes add like little crescendo, sort of mini orgasmatrons jmo

though it felt a little sad it wasn't depressing (i did like it a lot)
thanks for the read.

[Leanne]

On wilfully/willfully: I of course always use the British spelling, but I had posted this on an American site and got so many "corrections" that I just changed it to the American spelling to save explaining that it's not incorrect either way.

Regarding the stanzas you think are too wordy -- I might have to record this to show how the meter works in my head, as it's not a set pattern I can explain easily but a kind of melange. If it were a piece solely for the page, I'd possibly agree with you that words could be removed -- or then again, possibly not since I quite like a good conjunction

[billy]

fair point, but when i read it i use the meter in my head
of course that means jack shit cos my meter is crap but....

i'm pretty sure i got the meter the way you intended.
the verse in question reminds (meter-wise of famous poem, so famous, i can't remember it )
it may be one of the lines from poe's raven

And the raven,
never flitting,
still is sitting, still is sitting
On the pallid
bust of Pallas
just above my chamber door

though it's writ differently.

of course sonics often change a poem completely

[Leanne]

Yes, it's trochaic. So, if you got the meter I'm not sure how it could be improved by taking out words -- I'm not arguing with you, just plain curious as to how you'd do it and what you'd remove.

[billy]

i wish i could help

maybe (and i mean this seriously) it's an illusion. my eyes see the i am's, and the brain takes over in saying, this feels wordy.
same with the time and seeing lines. when i read it, it feels a little forced. i really do wish i could give suggestions but i don't know a trochaic from an elbow. now it sounds like i actually don't like poem but i do. i just feel the way i do about that stanza. sorry for being vague.

[Leanne]

I wouldn't be upset if you hated it you know We all get quite set in our ways and it's fascinating to see how other people would do things, or what they respond to. That's how advances are made.

Not suggesting for a minute that you're ultra advanced... :p

For example, I sometimes get caught up in making sure a pun works -- and that stanza is pretty much all pun of some sort, only I'm so ridiculously anal that I like to include meter as well, hence the repetition with the mention of the metronome, and the time and being nonsense. Mostly I just get annoyed with people accepting the status quo... which unfortunately sometimes leads me to accept it within my own poetry, and I do like a good shake now and then.

[billy]

yeah, tell me about it. the other really big point is that often something registers in one persons brain and somehow they see something differently than everyone else. it doesn't mean their correct hehe. that's why i personally profess, "the poet knows best what they want" unless of course most who read it think the same, and then the poet needs to really think "did i get right"

again yeah. i think when you get an exceptional poet (not saying you are exceptional btw, apart from your drinking habits) they're used to people simply, and honestly liking what they do. i'd presume they could become complacent as could those who think her the poet (not you). it's easy to like a poet and realize they (not you) are a cut above the general populace.

i think also it's good for the poet to question the critic (up to a point) as to how the critic got what the critic got. Weird because i always use to think the poet should always stfu, and just say "thank you". in that respect i'm actually learning that if i think something, it should be for a reason.

I think the critic also has a dichotomy to face. if they think something is wordy, but not overly so that it ruins the poem or that it feels wordy to them but doesn't really detract from the piece; do they keep schtum, or do they voice an opinion.

back to the poem;

in my opinion i think it a publishable piece even as it stands, but (always a but) i wouldn't pay for it as is. i do know other would, and it would be money well spent.

[Philatone]

hello leanne

you've made a fun piece here. it struck me as being a piece best suited for being spoken, what with its repeated emphasis on sounds, rhymes, alliteration, and the like.

I found this to be the strongest:

"the constant submission
to the missionary position
with all the frustration
of failed penetration
the batter and splatter
the fence"

"the fence" is wonderful, and works on so many levels, both structurally for the poem and semantically as well. the flow is great as with the word choice and rhymes.

I did feel that as the poem finished, some momentum was lost. Particularly:

"I am weary
I am sleeping
and my metronome is keeping
time and being
never seeing
that the zeitgeist has become
less a spirit
than an irritating drum
beating softly till the audience is numb"

seems slightly meta, but altogether unnecessary for this poem. I don't know how much it adds to the piece as a whole. only my opinion.

i apologize for not having more to say, but I did enjoy what I read.

[addy]

A fantastic (as always) and surprisingly thoughtful piece Leanne. What I thought was tongue-in-cheek transformed itself into something even more as the poem progressed. The tone is perfect (not over-the-top and punchy at the exact places it means to be), enjambment is very good and spoken out loud the piece sounds positively sumptuous. if I had to pick one tiny nit, perhaps the analogy, though entertaining as hell, plays out too long. However, it does make the turn by stanza 6 quite surprising and interesting, so in the end it's not really an issue per se.

This piece is a winner, imo.

I am weary of this pattern
the in-out-clench-aah pattern
the ooh-that’s-good-now-finish-quick
slippery slick

the constant submission
to the missionary position
with all the frustration
of failed penetration
the batter and splatter
the fence

The see-sawing somebody
neutered and nobody
teetering taut on the edge of the wall
willfully, willingly
playing with poesy
waiting for friction to trigger the fall

Tease me and treat me
to tastes of exotica
feed me erotica
spiced and sincere
whip me with whispers of
spray-sated waterfalls
white-suited curtain calls
dance in my ear

Let me drown
bring me down
to the pearl-studded beds
that shine through the shells
of black-and-white hells
and preachers with Janus-like heads

I am weary
I am sleeping
and my metronome is keeping
time and being
never seeing
that the zeitgeist has become
less a spirit
than an irritating drum
beating softly till the audience is numb i love this: the idea of an internal body clock being directed (forced) by a larger, quietly oppressive rhythm of zeitgeist. The reveal is quite clever. Very well done

let them come

let them come

I am done Nice play of structure to draw things to a close while complementing the drum idea. It reads out perfectly.

[Leanne]

Thanks all for the feedback. Rather than touching the zeitgeist stanza, which I tend to think is the most important of the poem, I've removed the erotica one to make the change in tone less offensive.

[abu nuwas]

I would have cut my arm off before losing the exotic/erotic stanza!

This demonstrates to me one of the real blessings of poetry: the ability to go to new places, to give creativity free rein, both in content, and structure, as well as the sound.

It reminded me a little of a dance, like Hilaire Belloc's 'Tarantella'. Perhaps for that reason, I kept thinking that a definite article could be added here and there --say, before 'splatter' and again before 'black-and-white'. Maybe Belloc's 'bees that tease' started me down this track, as you also had 'tease' in the Satanic Verse.

It had not occurred to me previously, but I suppose that sexual imagery is by its nature strong, and when at the beginning, wakes the reader up, and heightens perceptions of what follows. I don't know whether there was a deliberate reference to 'Sein und Zeit', tied then in with Zeitgeist, but it made me smile. I also thought a little about the nature of Zeitgeist-- as expressed in fashion, it appears tyrannical, yet the mere fact of its fleeting and ever-changing nature, is a great liberator from shackles of all sorts.

Hope you had your flag out when cheering on Her Majesty.

Well done again, Leanne, exceptionally so.

[billy]

miss brave knickers. i didn't think the removal of the verse was something that was needed, but it does make a difference. now the
distinction of the meter between the 2nd 3rd 4th and 5th is more pronounced and it also feels more rhythmical.
good edit from here.

[Leanne]

I don't like it ... but we do have to kill our babies, I can't go getting precious about one stanza and I do think it works better without the added distraction... I'll get used to it I'm sure

[billy]

your pain is palpable ><

[abu nuwas]

Also -- this is a bit rap-ish, normally the worst insult I have, but that is because most rap depends on the silliest and most horribly forced, rhymes.