Autumn Paintbrush - Revised/rewritten

[billy]

the title is. it just is.


what an edit. the 3rd verse is still my fave with its noselessness but now it's hard pushed by 1, 2, and 4. i like the winter wheat is back
for me it's excellent. i had to look up marmoreals . what a great word.

[Ca ne fait rien]

Thanks for helping, you and addy, Leanne & Philatone - I am dead chuffed with the way it turned out in the end. For now anyway, until someone else has any more suggestions for improvement.

[billy]

i'd say put it away for a few months or 6 and revisit then.

[Philatone]

hey there
seems you've been working hard
just my thoughts:

Revision- rewrite 2

Argent.



winter wheat breaks ground
exhales
the plain rolls mizzle
around baize acres
towards the village

i like this starting off at a distance; it sets the stage well

should silver translate
as grey or white?
paint palettes battle at dawn
against monochrome
waxen brass-rubbed knights ----the adjectives in succession, starting with monochrome, work wonderfully. I think it adds a slight clunkiness to the knights with the hard consonants, they should be clunky in all that armor...if that makes sense


in the church tattered banners hold
heavy time like woven dust --the dust felt a bit redundant to me after the time bit. I guess I already imagined them needing a cleaning. maybe something besides dust? I don't think a simile is even necessary
bright arms, faded painfully,
herald the presence
of proud feudal lords
betombed and noseless

argent and or, the tints of chivalry
white and yellow's brightest hues
shine thus as sun frills
the edge of clouds i do miss the fortress bit with the clouds from the version before this one.
and spills through stained glass
azure, gules and vert
onto mildewed marmoreals
dispersing any shades of grey.

all I can say is nicely done. I feel like you just guided me on a tour.

[Wildcard]

Hi Stef,
What a journey this poem has already made. Following the thread thus far has been an incredible ride through some amazing workshopping. Two thumbs up for your honesty-seeking disposition and the community spirit here. As to the poem, I love it:

Revision- rewrite 2

Argent.


such a natural feeling opener in spite of containg a couple of words that I didn't know 'baize acres' is perfect imo
winter wheat breaks ground
exhales
the plain rolls mizzle
around baize acres
towards the village


should silver translate
as grey or white?
paint palettes battle at dawn
against monochrome
waxen brass-rubbed knights


in the church tattered banners hold
heavy time like woven dust --this line gave me such a clear image. I like the possibilities of the banners holding memories
bright arms, faded painfully,
herald the presence
of proud feudal lords
betombed and noseless --gave me a start the first time through - I kind of half-laughed. I like it if that wasn't clear.

argent and or, the tints of chivalry
white and yellow's brightest hues
shine thus as sun frills
the edge of clouds --in an earlier version this was 'castled clouds' or something similar, it seemed much richer
and spills through stained glass
azure, gules and vert
onto mildewed marmoreals
dispersing any shades of grey. --I like the ending too. 'dispersing' is so much better than the usually 'drove away' or something more fierce. Like there wasn't any effort involved.

As far as 'marmoreals', I Googled it and all I got was memorial. Is that it?

Great poem and great process. IMO this should become the 'poster thread' for workshopping. Thanks for sharing Stef.

[Ca ne fait rien]

Hi Phil and AA
Thanks- I shall put back the 'castled' if it is th general opinion that it wrks and doesn't make to many adjectives. An adjective addiction is a terrible thing to cure )

AA- I researched 'marmoreal' a few years ago when I came across it in a translation of a Malarme poem- it means something like 'appertaining to the characteristics of marble', but it was used by him in a smilar context to this- a marble memorial, and I thought the word so multi sensory response just the one words evoked was amazing. It always springs to mind when looking at old tombs and paintings of marble statuary of dead people and stuff.

[Wildcard]

Thanks for clearing that up, Stef.

[Patrick Traveler]

I like this last revision. I stopped at, "into another breaking
of the morning" and thought why not just "exhales into another morning?"

The rest was painted well enough for me even though I do not think much of lords and ladies, dead or alive. But that's just me. It did not move me, but I admired it.