Autumn Paintbrush - Revised/rewritten

[Ca ne fait rien]

Revision- rewrite 2

Argent.



winter wheat breaks ground
exhales
the plain rolls mizzle
around baize acres
towards the village


should silver translate
as grey or white?
paint palettes battle at dawn
against monochrome
waxen brass-rubbed knights


in the church tattered banners hold
heavy time like woven dust
bright arms, faded painfully,
herald the presence
of proud feudal lords
betombed and noseless

argent and or, the tints of chivalry
white and yellow's brightest hues
shine thus as sun frills
the edge of many-towered clouds
and spills through stained glass
azure, gules and vert
onto mildewed marmoreals
dispersing any shades of grey.





[edited S4 12-10-2011 to add 'many-towered' ]









Revision

In the church
tattered banners hold particles
of heavy time
herald proud effigies
of feudal lords and ladies
betombed and noseless,
bright arms faded painfully;

paint palettes battle for authenticity
does silver translate to grey
or white?
it was all dubbed 'argent'
when they were young;
medieval artists
could not mix the tints
to shine thus as the sun
frills the edge of castled clouds;

yellow and white
sufficed for shows of splendour
when they still had their fingers;
Argent and Or,
azure gules and vert,
and , no doubt,
a lot more shades of grey
than you could shake a brush at.


*******************************


Fields sprawl
a smoky billiard baize
sprouting winter wheat
exhales
into another breaking
of the morning.


Thinking paint palettes at dawn
is silver grey or white?
In the church tattered banners hold
particles of heavy time,
herald proud effigies
feudal lords and ladies
betombed and noseless,
bright arms faded painfully;
they called it all Argent
then of course
could not make silver and gold
tints to shine thus as the sun
frills the edges of clouds;

it was all yellow and white
when they were young
and had still their fingers,
Argent and Or,
Azure, Gules and Vert
and probably a lot more shades
of grey
than you could shake a brush at.

[Leanne]

It is very early in the morning here Stef, just 5.20am and the sun is not long up, so this poem's caught me with that strange edge to emotion that sleep leaves behind and the second stanza has actually brought tears to my eyes. All that intrigue, jockeying mercilessly for position and influence to garner the favour of the king -- and they still end up noseless like the peasantry. I wonder how they'd feel if they saw what wastrels their ancestors had become? But that's an aside with nothing to do with the poem!

In the first stanza, I'm not entirely sure you need the last two lines. You have "dawn" in the next stanza, and I tend to think that leaving it at "exhales" builds the mood a little better. But of course, that's not definitive.

I am quite in love with "In the church tattered banners hold particles of heavy time". You have woven the heraldic colours and time itself together beautifully.

[Ca ne fait rien]

It is very early in the morning here Stef, just 5.20am and the sun is not long up, so this poem's caught me with that strange edge to emotion that sleep leaves behind and the second stanza has actually brought tears to my eyes. All that intrigue, jockeying mercilessly for position and influence to garner the favour of the king -- and they still end up noseless like the peasantry. I wonder how they'd feel if they saw what wastrels their ancestors had become? But that's an aside with nothing to do with the poem!

In the first stanza, I'm not entirely sure you need the last two lines. You have "dawn" in the next stanza, and I tend to think that leaving it at "exhales" builds the mood a little better. But of course, that's not definitive.

I am quite in love with "In the church tattered banners hold particles of heavy time". You have woven the heraldic colours and time itself together beautifully.



There are two 5.20s in the day? :O

Yeah-I was playing around a bit with the first stanza, it is by no means in its final state, and I was hoping for opinions on it.
You are a superb reader- I hope to learn as much about reading as about writing from you, thanks Leanne
Have a good day, it is 8.30pm Monday here.

[billy]

Hi stef, it's 4.45 am here

you have three gerunds in consecutive lines (2 at the end of the 1st verse and 1 at the beginning of the 2nd. which weighs the start down a little.
the 1st verse didn't hold me but from "in the church" i was hooked damn it. betomed and noseless. what an image, and a spot on one at that. i don't think "then of course" is needed, though you would need an "and" to start the next line. the last two lines are another great image.
i liked the journey through the pallet, and the last line closed off well.
particles of heavy time was my favourite line. it made the tombs feel like they had substance.
what i did like in 1xt verse was the baize made into an image

personally i think you need to re work l's 4,6,7, and 8. the rest work well for me. jmo
thanks for the read.

[Ca ne fait rien]

Thanks Billy, I think I might lose the first stanza altogether. It is just not hanging right.

[Philatone]

have to do a project at the moment, but will get right to this piece/ edit this post after. I'm excited for it

[billy]

Thanks Billy, I think I might lose the first stanza altogether. It is just not hanging right.

i have the same problem (hanging right )
seriously; don't dismiss it out of hand stef.

[Ca ne fait rien]

Thanks Billy, I think I might lose the first stanza altogether. It is just not hanging right.

i have the same problem (hanging right )
seriously; don't dismiss it out of hand stef.

I'll sneak it into something else at a later date.

[billy]

bugger, i was too slow wasn't i?
about the edit;

for me
tattered banners hold
is a great line on it's own, it's like they're ready to break apart but haven't, and so i think particles could be moved down to the next line.
i'm not sure "for authenticity" adds anything, and like wise dubbed. the idea of,
it was all 'argent'
puts it in another time/world i think.

sometimes seeing poets edit their work is as painful as editing my own, i'm often left thinking was i right to suggest this or that. i like what you've done so far bar the odd nits stef, but what do you think?

[Leanne]

Stef, you're not going to like me very much... but your edited version is a lot more "tell" than "show", especially the changes to the second stanza, and I think you've really lost the depth that the immediacy of "sprouting winter wheat exhales" contrasted with "in the church, tattered banners hold..." was giving the poem.

I do like "frills the edge of castled clouds" though

[billy]

i have to agree, i think something could be salvaged from the 1st.
even if it were just L3, and 4, which would set the title up with some relevance.

[Philatone]

Ey! i'm looking at the revised version

Revision

In the church
tattered banners hold particles -- this is a poem that sends the reader back in time. the word particles almost feels too modern for me; it slightly changes the tone. I really like the rest of the line, continuing onto the next as well. "heavy time" is beautiful
of heavy time
herald proud effigies
of feudal lords and ladies
betombed and noseless, ---first read "noseless" as "noiseless". not sure if is my favorite image here. could go well if that's the intention.
bright arms faded painfully;--this "painfully" is so interesting! who is it painful for? the reader? the lords and ladies, even after death?

paint palettes battle for authenticity
does silver translate to grey
or white?
it was all dubbed 'argent'
when they were young; I like this whole discussion here. From "it was...young" does feel like a dose of telling over showing though
medieval artists
could not mix the tints
to shine thus as the sun
frills the edge of castled clouds;--- more strong images. yet again, the lines above it do feel too "told" to me

mixed feelings about this stanza. images are great, yet they find themselves next to a little more explanation/ telling than I would prefer as a reader. interesting discussion on colors


yellow and white
sufficed for shows of splendour
when they still had their fingers; i'm not sure what this line does for the poem personally
Argent and Or,
azure gules and vert,
and , no doubt,
a lot more shades of grey
than you could shake a brush at.

I think you can make a stronger ending and find another way to express the same idea as the last line

hope these comments are helpful, I think you start strong, but I would like you to sustain it!

[addy]

This is a wonderful poem... some areas need polish, but you often more than make up for it with moments of brilliance. I'd have to agree with the others, I think a mash-up of your first version and revision will give you fantastic results. I'm sorry to see the wheat fields stanza go (its gorgeous ), but it's your call if you feel the poem is more solid without it.

Here are a few of my thoughts. Thanks very much for the read.

Revision

In the church
tattered banners hold particles
of heavy time I don't think "In the church" is a strong enough opening line on its own, so the I do prefer your original phrasing: "In the church tattered banners hold// particles of heavy time"
herald proud effigies
of feudal lords and ladies
betombed and noseless,
bright arms faded painfully; lovely lines... you can replace the semicolon with a full stop here, I think

paint palettes battle for authenticity imo "authenticity" doesn't quite work because its lost the context of dawn... maybe say "paint palettes battle at dawn" instead? Just a thought.
does silver translate to grey
or white?
it was all dubbed 'argent'
when they were young;
medieval artists
could not mix the tints I think maybe "colors" would be more evocative than "tints"? Or adapt "silver and gold" from your original draft.
to shine thus as the sun
frills the edge of castled clouds;

yellow and white
sufficed for shows of splendour
when they still had their fingers;
Argent and Or,
azure gules and vert,
and , no doubt,
a lot more shades of grey
than you could shake a brush at. These last few lines don't make for a particularly strong ending. Maybe something like (this is just an offhand suggestion) "and endless shades of grey// more than you could change a brush at". Something like that or retool it however you wish

[Ca ne fait rien]

Thanks everyone for the input- I agree that it has lost my original intent in the revision. Sometimes one only knows what the intent actually was after wielding the scissors ruthlessly. I shall have another rethink over the next few days- I must thank you all for making me work on this- it has been kicking around since NAPOMO 2009 waiting to be dusted off and repaired.

[Ca ne fait rien]

Stef, you're not going to like me very much... but your edited version is a lot more "tell" than "show", especially the changes to the second stanza, and I think you've really lost the depth that the immediacy of "sprouting winter wheat exhales" contrasted with "in the church, tattered banners hold..." was giving the poem.

I do like "frills the edge of castled clouds" though

I like you very much for being honest and truthful- I tried again,

---

Thanks for the suggestions, Addy- they were really helpful.

[Leanne]

By George, I think he's got it! I especially like your new closing lines.. marmoreal indeed! Lovely.

And I'm happy to see the return of the wheat. I think the continuity of harvest is an important aspect.

[Ca ne fait rien]

By George, I think he's got it! I especially like your new closing lines.. marmoreal indeed! Lovely.

And I'm happy to see the return of the wheat. I think the continuity of harvest is an important aspect.

I have been waiting years to use 'marmoreal' ever since I fell in love with Stephane Mallarme.

[Leanne]

oooh, me as well... his sounds are so pretty... he and Verlaine are my favourites of that era, though I can get lost in Baudelaire as well, and Rimbaud's brief little writing frenzy... funny, my favourite Frenchmen are all dead

[Ca ne fait rien]

indeed.

[Leanne]

Incidentally, I like the title change -- "argent" is evocative of both heraldic arms and the moon, which is another nice tie-in with the seasonal first stanza. And "mizzle across baize" is gorgeous.