Depression, a triolet

[heslopian]

Bones grow still as clouds set in,
each day hardens wet cement.
Untended goes your wilting skin,
bones grow still as clouds set in.
The world may start a merry din,
but inner silence is what's meant.
Bones grow still as clouds set in,
each day hardens wet cement.

[Philatone]

Bones grow still as clouds set in,
each day hardens wet cement.
Untended goes your wilting skin,
bones grow still as clouds set in.
The world may start a merry din, ---may just be me, but this line feels forced by the meter.
but inner silence is what's meant.
Bones grow still as clouds set in,
each day hardens wet cement.

haven't experienced this form before, interesting. your images grabbed my attention, what with bones and wet cement. I think a more specific title would help this poem--I'm curious what caused the depression specifically (e.g., not just death, but whose? when? what happened?).

It raises some questions, like were the bones moving before the poem begins, and what is from life? If I had any nits about any of the lines, I would say 5 & 6 could use a bit of strengthening-they felt constrained by the form to me.

i liked the read, and it taught me some things. thanks heslopian, hope i could help some!

[abu nuwas]

Nice and cheerful! I thought a lot about 'din', as an obvious candidate for a forced rhyme. It is only too true, of course that the world goes happily on after the most painful obsequies, and 'din' is what it seems like. So then I thought--- no, it is not 'din' itself that is the criminal, but its partner in crime 'merry'--- cliche! And for 'merry', there are any number of words--alphabetically, 'awful', 'bitter', 'clanging' 'doltish'......

[heslopian]

Thanks for the feedback guys
Philatone, the kind of depression I had in mind was clinical. The form doesn't really allow one much psychological detail, but I'll see what I can do.
Abu, I love "doltish"! The alliteration works perfectly. Thanks!