Bisbee Blue (Latest Revisions)

[ICSoria]

He long ago lost track of just how many
West Coast minutes lapsed, while gazing at
those eyes of liquid Bisbee-Blue. Each time
she passed, on lissome steps to top his day
like Crème Brule. The titillating shade
of Summer's evening hue would gently tease him
as it filtered through a sheer sundress--
delineating all the best
of every asset she possessed.


Bisbee Blue Original:

He long ago lost track of just how many
West Coast minutes passed, while gazing at
those eyes of liquid Bisbee-Blue. Each time
she passed, on lissome steps to top his day
like Crème Brule. The titillating shade
of Summer's evening hue would gently tease him
as he watched it filter through a sheer
sundress--delineate the best
of all the assets she possessed.

[heslopian]

The end of the poem is wonderful. The sunlight filtering through the dress as though it were a prism; divine. I also like the internal rhyme of "day" and "Brule".
What does "lissome" mean? I don't believe I've come across that word before.
A wee suggestion as well: Would the rhyme of "hue" and "through" be more pronounced if "a sheer" was placed at the start of the penultimate line?
Thanks for the read

[addy]

A short and sweet and enchanting snippet. I loved that "Crème Brule" line. Not much I can suggest, I'm afraid. This one's a keeper

[billy]

He long ago lost track of just how many
West Coast minutes passed, while gazing at
those eyes of liquid Bisbee-Blue. Each time
she passed, on lissome steps to top his day
like Crème Brule. The titillating shade
of Summer's evening hue would gently tease him
as he watched it filter through a sheer
sundress--delineate the best
of all the assets she possessed.

ICSoria
©2011

the enjambment feels off to me at the end of L 7.
for me you have a good free verse poem ( i did see the last two end rhymes but ignored them) with original images. i love the bisbee blue instead of turquoise, the internal rhythm in places is excellent, day/brule to name one.

you used passed twice, could another word be used to negate the repetition?

a great upbeat love poem. jmo

thanks for the read.

[critical mass]

Really like this a lot.
The line breaks feel awkward to me in places.

I read it easier with these line breaks.
Not trying to rewrite your poem.



He long ago lost track of just how many
West Coast minutes passed, while gazing
at those eyes of liquid Bisbee-Blue. Each
time she passed, on lissome steps
to top his day like Crème Brule. The titillating
shade of Summer's evening hue would gently
tease him as he watched it filter through
a sheer sundress--delineate the best
of all the assets she possessed.


David

[ICSoria]

He long ago lost track of just how many
West Coast minutes passed, while gazing at
those eyes of liquid Bisbee-Blue. Each time
she passed, on lissome steps to top his day
like Crème Brule. The titillating shade
of Summer's evening hue would gently tease him
as he watched it filter through a sheer
sundress--delineate the best
of all the assets she possessed.

ICSoria
©2011

the enjambment feels off to me at the end of L 7.
for me you have a good free verse poem ( i did see the last two end rhymes but ignored them) with original images. i love the bisbee blue instead of turquoise, the internal rhythm in places is excellent, day/brule to name one.

you used passed twice, could another word be used to negate the repetition?

a great upbeat love poem. jmo

thanks for the read.

Billy,
Good catch on both points. I will attempt to reword it.

Sid

---

Really like this a lot.
The line breaks feel awkward to me in places.

I read it easier with these line breaks.
Not trying to rewrite your poem.



He long ago lost track of just how many
West Coast minutes passed, while gazing
at those eyes of liquid Bisbee-Blue. Each
time she passed, on lissome steps
to top his day like Crème Brule. The titillating
shade of Summer's evening hue would gently
tease him as he watched it filter through
a sheer sundress--delineate the best
of all the assets she possessed.


David

David,
You are correct, that is indeed how it should read. I simply tend to write them out, usually, in an iambic pentameter or tetrameter. And I don't mind a jump now and then as it keeps it from becoming too monotonous by adding a bit of modulation. Not to say that it always works but I am still trying to learn the various aspects of form poetry. Sincere thanks for your comments.

Sid

[billy]

not that i know a lot of meter but it seems you're not doing too bad i struggle like hell with it at times.
the poem itself for me works well with the meter as is, i do have to ask if line 2 is iambic, i only ask so that i can fully understand.
it doesn't look like it needs changing, i'm just in need of knowing

[Todd]

Hi Sid,

You've had a lot of comments on this already and the line breaks have already been addressed. I just wanted to add that I really like your tone and word choices throughout. This is an unpredictable piece. I especially like the internal rhyme of day with Creme Brule. I did make me wonder specifically what that top his day experience would be like: carmelized sugar and a blow torch . The entire sundress part was well done also. I like that you didn't choose anything easy or predictable here and that the end result still felt so unforced.

Enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

[ICSoria]

not that i know a lot of meter but it seems you're not doing too bad i struggle like hell with it at times.
the poem itself for me works well with the meter as is, i do have to ask if line 2 is iambic, i only ask so that i can fully understand.
it doesn't look like it needs changing, i'm just in need of knowing

It is known as Trochaic Inversion
"Inserting a trochee (foot with stressed/unstressed pattern) into a line that is written with iambic meter. A trochaic inversion can serve to provide relief from the weak-strong pattern of iamb. It can also serve to reverse expectations or the flow of the poem." *

*Definition from: Cranberry Designs

I didn't even know about the exact term until after writing this. I simply seemed to possess, as do many other poets I'm sure, a natural inclination to smooth out the meter from one line to the next. In my case, much of this has been learned by gosh and by gum.

Sid

[billy]

thanks for the reply sid.

[ICSoria]

Hi Sid,

You've had a lot of comments on this already and the line breaks have already been addressed. I just wanted to add that I really like your tone and word choices throughout. This is an unpredictable piece. I especially like the internal rhyme of day with Creme Brule. I did make me wonder specifically what that top his day experience would be like: carmelized sugar and a blow torch . The entire sundress part was well done also. I like that you didn't choose anything easy or predictable here and that the end result still felt so unforced.
Enjoyed the read.
Best,
Todd

Todd,
Thanks for your perspective and the comments,

Sid

[billy]

i just realized i said free verse instead of blank verse, i always get confused.
i now notice two line with 5 and a half feet which makes me think i was more correct the 1st time.

whatever you do, don't change it (i don't think it's wrong, just pointing out that i missed it the first 20 times i read it )

[ICSoria]

Sorry it took so long to get back to this but I put it away for awhile to give it some thought.
I eliminated the redundant “passed” Let me know if you agree with word choice, or if you can suggest better.
Also changed the enjambment on L7 but decided to eliminate "he watched," as that fact has already been established previously. I purposely chose to keep the last two lines short. I will probably never be completely satisfied with it but this is where I am now with it. Let me know your thoughts if you would. Thanks,

Sid

[Aish]

Sid,
I have come to this late, but am so happy I did. This is simply a beautiful piece of poetry. I love the pace, the diction, the tone.
Apologies for not having anything more constructive to offer.

[ICSoria]

Sid,
I have come to this late, but am so happy I did. This is simply a beautiful piece of poetry. I love the pace, the diction, the tone.
Apologies for not having anything more constructive to offer.

Aish,
I am happy you would even comment. Thank you for taking the time,

Sid

[billy]

lapsed works and the enjambment for me is much better. Sid.

[ICSoria]

lapsed works and the enjambment for me is much better. Sid.

Billy, I appreciate your help and insight on this,

Sid