Dreams of Flight

[ICSoria]

Prologue:
His fractured hopes, dreams analyzed
each day by an accomplished Ph.D
resolved to set his fragile psyche free.
Outlined within a grandiose summation
complex elucidations of just why
he harbors latent dreams to fly.

In exchanging faith for CD, gold
watches while receding dreams turn shades
of pink, slipped silently, indifferently,
with inter-office mail. Net worth defined now
by what a voucher and O/T can buy.
Still he dreams that he should fly

All quasi-friendship-schemes will cease
tonight as obscure documents disclose
sum totals: squandered corporate dividends;
slattern breakfasts in the Gulfstream III;
his own decree of truths none dare deny.
They'll wish they all had wings to fly.

Epilogue:
From silver stories harbor, views
the diamond night tranquility;
unfurls untested wings. He knows:
The truth will once more set him free
and prove that he was meant to fly.
His leap of faith will stab the sky.

[billy]

an absolute wowser,
i though i was i for an Orville and Wright moment but none of it.
the 1st verse really sucked me in, the 2nd lapped my face and said wake up stupid, we're talking about the real world here.
the 3rd, was more genteel, it was full of happenings, and the last was quite poignant, i loved the last line as though he was making a final mark, that "period" the ends the play, or poem or chapter.
if i had a nit it would be the two dreams, could one be changed? jmo

thanks for the read sid, this is my fave of yours so far.

[ICSoria]

an absolute wowser,
i though i was i for an Orville and Wright moment but none of it.
the 1st verse really sucked me in, the 2nd lapped my face and said wake up stupid, we're talking about the real world here.
the 3rd, was more genteel, it was full of happenings, and the last was quite poignant, i loved the last line as though he was making a final mark, that "period" the ends the play, or poem or chapter.
if i had a nit it would be the two dreams, could one be changed? jmo

thanks for the read sid, this is my fave of yours so far.

Billy,
I greatly value opinions here, therefore any compliments are considered high praise indeed. Thank you for that. I was quite nervous about showing this as it has gone through much revision. I have never been completely satisfied with it so it changed quite a bit structurally, since I first began it several years back. Always, my biggest fear is in saying too much.
You made a valid point and made me think I may indeed have at least one too many dreams in the piece and will attempt a fix
I appreciate your taking the time.

Sid

[Philatone]

Hey ICSoria
I had to battle quite a bit through this one, but I'm definitely glad I did. Here are my thoughts

Prologue:
His fractured hopes, dreams analyzed
each day by an accomplished Ph.D
resolved to set his fragile psyche free.
Outlined within a grandiose summation
complex elucidations of just why
he harbors latent dreams to fly.

pretty dramatic shift right here in ideas between these stanzas. Not saying a connection is necessarily needed, but a few words might have helped my initial readings. Definitely like the ideas starting here

In exchanging faith for CD, gold
watches while receding dreams turn shades
of pink, slipped silently, indifferently,
with inter-office mail. Net worth defined now
by what a voucher and O/T can buy.
Still he dreams that he should fly

This strikes me as having a sort of journalistic tone, more giving reports on what is happening to him than actually describing, especially with that last line. This is about where I'm feeling a disconnect between the speaker and this subject, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. I feel as though the speaker has little to no stake in just what happens to this guy. When that happens for me, I also lose a bit of attachment. I enjoy the writing, but I want more of an impact on me too! I don't just want to say "That was nice," and move on. The rhymes might be adding to that distance too, even if there are a lot of inrhymes and the couplet as well; the six line structure as a whole gives it a kind of coldness. On the other hand, for a poem with this kind of subject matter, the effect is decidedly perfect.

All quasi-friendship-schemes will cease
tonight as obscure documents disclose
sum totals: squandered corporate dividends;
slattern breakfasts in the Gulfstream III;
his own decree of truths none dare deny.
They'll wish they all had wings to fly.I played with moving the "all" to after "they'll" and I like how it would receive more emphasis that way. Great line regardless.

Epilogue:
From silver stories harbor, views
the diamond night tranquility;
unfurls untested wings. He knows: nice!
The truth will once more set him free
and prove that he was meant to fly.
His leap of faith will stab the sky. great finish! Great contrast of directions, what with the "up" of flying and the downward "leap" as well as the stab (which I also think of more downwards).

definitely an enjoyable read.

[ICSoria]

Philatone,
Phil,
Thank you for the incisive analysis. You touched on some things that I have been trying to resolve about this since I first posted the initial version. The point you made about a sort of disconnect between S1 and S2 goes along with a personal perception of something always lacking, but then, there are damn few poems I have been totally satisfied enough with anyway to declare as complete. Your call on the need to shift “all” a few spaces back was a good one and I will be changing it accordingly. The coldness you felt within the piece is somewhat the effect I was going for. I tried building everything around the final couplet, thus, was never quite sure if I was saying too much or not enough. In the end, I attempted to describe just enough to lead up the climactic final strophe. Yet, I am always beset by the fear that I have over-done it. I enjoy seeing various interpretations of anything I write. Any time they come close to what I personally envisioned, I feel I am closer to succeeding.
I very much appreciate your having taken the time to read and comment,

Sid