my first post: love is...

[karren29]

Knowing what I had
Feeling really bad
Lost it all that night
Can no longer fight

Life is different when you're all alone
Got nothing to do but cry and play your song

Strumming guitar strings
Staring at my ring
Recalling the past
Love I thought would last

Love is hard when you walk on a one way street
And all you can hear is your own heartbeat

Staring at my face
Thinking of that place
Playing our love song
Where did we go wrong?

Love is crazy when you're the only one
Looking for something that's been gone

Crying once again
Wish it didn't end
Wiping tears away
Know I'll be okay

Love is one extraordinary feeling
One day I'll find my happy ending

[Aish]

Welcome, Karren.

Overall this piece of writing is quite cliche in subject matter as well as the way it is presented. Try stepping outside your comfort zone and pushing yourself a little, using creative ways to express yourself instead of directly telling your readers.

Happy to have you aboard.

-Aish

[Wildcard]

Hi Karren,
[ind] It's always good to see somebody new posting. I like your poem very much and can see a lot of potential in it. I am a newbie to poetry, so take my suggestions as such and not like I'm trying to put you down. Just an honest opinion.

Knowing what I had -- the opening line of a poem needs to grab the reader's attention. I can see where you going with the rue of a great loss, but I think you could find a more fresh way to get that across that might jumpstart you poem. JMO
Feeling really bad
Lost it all that night
Can no longer fight

Life is different when you're all alone
Got nothing to do but cry and play your song

Strumming guitar strings
Staring at my ring
Recalling the past
Love I thought would last

Love is hard when you walk on a one way street --I like the message in these lines, but I think you could say it a little more creatively. I had higlighted a few words I think you can do without alltogether.
And all you can hear is your own heartbeat --I would also think about changing 'heartbeat' to 'heart beat.' It'll rhyme better cause together it's stress is 'HEARTbeat', but seperated the stresses would be more even so 'beat' can stand alone as a nice rhyme for 'street'

Staring at my face
Thinking of that place
Playing our love song
Where did we go wrong?

Love is crazy when you're the only one
Looking for something that's been gone

Crying once again
Wish it didn't end
Wiping tears away
Know I'll be okay

Love is one extraordinary feeling
One day I'll find my happy ending --up until the end here, you've been rhyming steadily, but this one misses. (though both words end in 'ing' the stress doesn't fall on that syllable and 'feel' and 'end' don't rhyme.
[/font]

All in all I think you have a nice poem and a good first post. Thanks for sharing, Karren, see you around.

[billy]

hi Karren, great to see you post your stuff,
this poem strikes me as lyric, i like the way it's laid out.

the content is something many of us have written about in a similar way at one time or another. so take any advice for what it is; advice. the choice on how or even if to edit is always yours (the poets)

while the content is sweet and sad, the way you say it has been done a lot of times before. you need to claim it as your own by making every line original. how many times have you seen or heard any of these lines before?

Staring at my face
Thinking of that place
Playing our love song
Where did we go wrong?

show us how he stared,
give us an image of the place
what was the song
show us how you went wrong. (though not with "our love died")

did he play fill doughnut with someone else, was he more interested in origami, were you more into Maybeline lip-gloss than him?

if possible, don't try to be poetic, silly i know but if you say it as you feel it, with anger, love etc, "his arms make me wetter than the monsoon" or "his words slithered from ragged lips) it will come out as yours.
billy

---

ps. me and addy (another member are from the philippines as well)

[Todd]

Hi Karren,

Welcome to the site!

It's good to see you posting. I want to focus on two lines in your poem:

Strumming guitar strings
Staring at my ring

We all start somewhere with our work. When I think back to my early poems they had many of the characteristics I see in this poem. They rhymed because poems are supposed to rhyme (aren't they ) and they lacked imagery. I honestly think this poem is world's ahead of my first love poems, but like mine it still has a lot of things you could work on. First I would suggest don't worry about rhyme (you can always introduce it later) worry about content. And then, tell the story with pictures (imagery).

In these two lines you hint at that when the speaker of the poem stares at their ring.

A ring suggests a promise of fidelity. The circle suggests a neverending bond. This is the beginning of imagery. The strumming of the guitar strings on their own though do not direct the reader in the mood they need to have. I'm going to include a link to a poem that I think demonstrates what I'm talking about. It is by Ted Kooser and it's about a similar subject. It's called After Years. It's about a man catching an unexpected glimpse of an ex-lover. Notice the imagery Kooser uses. Think about how in your poem you can express the mood by showing us things.

Here's the link:

http://www.poemhunter.com/best-poems/ted...ter-years/

Again glad to have you here. Keep posting.

Best,

Todd

[karren29]

whoah! guys your'e the best! i mean thanks a lot! yeah im not really good at this, i mean i make poems when i'm sad or bored or for school. i didn't take it this serious until now.. thank you guys.. i'll try to make it better...