Posts: 30
Threads: 19
Joined: Feb 2010
This is the poem I'd like to stick with.
Your impression?
Curbs are caught
between two homes
Made referees of street
And stone
A cunning concrete crocodile
(Jagged teeth
Jawed into smile)
Swimming a
Suburban Nile
Guiding sidewalks
And automobiles
Separation
Isn’t more than this
A simple rift
Of rock
Or subtle split
Petrified into position
A quiet, low, and long
Division
"To risk is to lose your footing. To avoid risk is to lose yourself"
-Soren Kierkegaard
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(02-22-2010, 12:10 PM)Larry Wrote: This is the poem I'd like to stick with.
Your impression?
Curbs are caught
between two homes
Made referees of street
And stone
A cunning concrete crocodile
(Jagged teeth
Jawed into smile)
Swimming a
Suburban Nile
Guiding sidewalks
And automobiles
Separation
Isn’t more than this
A simple rift
Of rock
Or subtle split
Petrified into position
A quiet, low, and long
Division
L4 doesn't work for me, sounds forced, out of place
nor does quiet in L7 (i never thought of roads as quiet)
i'd add L3 to L2, thereby getting rid of
Of over
Or (it looks a bit nasty
)
i enjoyed the read. good original images as well as other poetical devices.
maybe a bit of work on the enjambment. all in all a good read, thanks larry
Posts: 30
Threads: 19
Joined: Feb 2010
How about this?
The Curb corrals
Sidewalk and street
A great stone Sheppard
Or referee that keeps
The other team onsides
“Here you walk,
And there you drive”
It says with
Stone toothed smile
Grinning down the miles
Of suburban homes
Like a concrete crocodile
"To risk is to lose your footing. To avoid risk is to lose yourself"
-Soren Kierkegaard
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
i quite like it.
for me it works better
this way. the thing is do you prefer it this way.
i think you were right to cut the second stanza.
