Silence

[bogpan]

“Even the silence isn’t yours anymore
here, where the millstones have stopped..."
G. Sepheris


Let what I am telling you
have some sense,
when this world is
a pleat
of your midnight shirt

and my voice – so hollow
and empty.
I am writing out long lines
with the words which I do not know.
And then
everything is
erased.

[heslopian]

This is chillingly beautiful. I love how it escapes seeming arrogant and whiny, yet is of course tormented, terse. I also like that you used an epigraph, something I sometimes do and am criticised for My one suggestion would be that you change "of" to "on" in the last line of the first verse, as that seems more grammatically sound.

[bogpan]

This is chillingly beautiful. I love how it escapes seeming arrogant and whiny, yet is of course tormented, terse. I also like that you used an epigraph, something I sometimes do and am criticised for My one suggestion would be that you change "of" to "on" in the last line of the first verse, as that seems more grammatically sound.

"arrogant and whiny"-these words cause maximum surprise. Nobody has commented similarly this poem. In our tradition it is completely normal to quote part or whole verse - that's another difference with European practice. I would think your proposal for change. Thanks for your opinion.

[Todd]

Hi Bogpan,

I like your opening image quite a bit. These comments of course apply only to this translation. In the original language the lines may carry more than I am aware:

“Even the silence isn’t yours anymore
here, where the millstones have stopped..."
G. Sepheris


Let what I am telling you
have some sense,--Just an opinion but these first two lines as they translate don't seem to be as strong as simply starting on Line 3. I would consider cutting them. If you do chose to keep them substituting make for have on Line 2 might serve you better
when this world is--all that said, I think this line may be a much more interesting opening. I really love the idea of the world being imagined in this way
a pleat
of your midnight shirt--maybe on instead of of would be more in keeping with the translation you want

and my voice – so hollow
and empty.
I am writing out long lines
with the words which I do not know.--you could possibly cut the and which and lose nothing
And then
everything is
erased.

The poem has some interesting imagery. Like I said, I'm not sure how the lines read in Bulgarian and there might be a very strong poetic reason to express them in this way. I hope some of these options will be helpful to you whatever you chose to do.

Best,

Todd

[addy]

I really love this. You present an original scene, a world that is a fold, a space, where the narrator struggles to apply meaning. A short and effective piece.

“Even the silence isn’t yours anymore
here, where the millstones have stopped..."
G. Sepheris


Let what I am telling you
have some sense,
when this world is
a pleat
of your midnight shirt gorgeous image. I'd have to disagree with the boys and say that I rather like your use of "of" instead of "on"... there's a nice specificity to it that adds character... it sounds like a very important pleat, not an afterthought. Just my taste though

and my voice – so hollow
and empty.
I am writing out long lines
with the words which I do not know. These two lines are great stuff.
And then I don't think "And then" stands well as a line on its own. Maybe change it to "Before", or maybe "Until"... as this will lend a similar sense of inevitability. Just a suggestion
everything is
erased.

[marc]

I think you should leave it as it is, it has an almost haunting quality to it.
Marc

[Aish]

“Even the silence isn’t yours anymore
here, where the millstones have stopped..."
G. Sepheris


Let what I am telling you
have some sense,
when this world is For me the poem began here. It is an excellent, original image.
a pleat
of your midnight shirt

and my voice – so hollow
and empty.
I am writing out long lines
with the words which I do not know. "the" and "which" are erroneous, and detract from your diction.
And then
everything is
erased. Wonderful ending. I believe the last three lines could be set apart as an individual strophe.

[bogpan]

I want to thank everyone for accurate reading and understanding that it is a translation of poetry. I think it is important to clarify the following - in Slavic languages, unlike English syntax is free, are eligible grammatical omissions, ambiguities and dimming of words (Poetry). These characteristics require some interpretation by the translator in order to get closer to a maximum of meaning and perception of the English language reader of the text, but at the cost of selecting one of the possible meanings of the word. I could give many examples of world famous authors, but will be limited to specific text - "sense" is the word used, and is used in the original word is derived from the
Sign, but a second meaning of "sense". In this respect are those who do offer cut the first two sentences that seem more narrative and somehow slower. Another point is that the proposal begins the poem much more expressive, but I think reading is a matter of temperament and movement of young people want to be faster, but linking with quote these two sentences have their protection. I think the translator uses the well "of your midnight shirt" as the closest to the original (which is untranslatable), as this fold is essential, not merely indifferent to clothes.
"I am writing out long lines
with the words which I do not know "
These two sentences for me are unusually important because they reflect my understanding of the writing of poetry, particularly love poetry.
"And then I don't think" And then "stands well as a line on its own. Maybe change it to "Before", or maybe "Until" ... as this will lend a similar sense of inevitabil "
I agree that it deserves a separate sentence, but was afraid that it will be listed at the decision taken in the original:
And then.
Everything is
erased.

Here is a revised version with your suggestions, which to me is nyakakak meager and insufficient.

“Even the silence isn’t yours anymore
here, where the millstones have stopped..."
G. Sepheris


This world.
a pleat
of your midnight shirt

and my voice – so hollow
and empty.
I am writing out long lines
with the words which I do not know.
And then.

Еverything is
еrased.

[Aish]

You have referred more than once to 'the translator' - are you posting pieces that are not your writings, or is that a language flub?

[bogpan]

You have referred more than once to 'the translator' - are you posting pieces that are not your writings, or is that a language flub?

Poems written by me - no problem with copyright. Again a problem with syntax and way of thinking. Speak for yourself as another person.>: D <

[Aish]

Thank you for clearing that up for me