Deer on Mill Hill at Nightfall

[Ca ne fait rien]

[[i]i]Revision- thanks all for suggestions. [/i]

[Deer on the edge of night

Across an ocean of grass,
I run to beat the darkness
falling fast.
Knees rip, ankles turn,
boots cockle in the furrows
of the stubble field;
up Mill Hill, feet heavy, clay clarted
from ploughed earth already chain-harrowed.
Blood pounds, seabreezes steal breath,
stop a moment. Gauge position.

Upwind,
three roe deer break cover
from twisted whitethorn,
freeze on the brow,
black against the violet sky.









Running home to beat the dark
across an ocean of meadow grass
knees rip ankles turn and tangle
boots stumble the furrows
along the stubble field.

On Mill Hill the earth is ploughed
already chain-harrowed. Blood pounds
seabreezes steal breath
feet heavy clay-clarted
stop a moment gauge position.

Up wind
three roe deer break cover
from twisted whitethorn bushes
freeze on the brow
black against the violet sky
poise on the point
of that split second
that separates
Day from night.

.




edited to fix spaces between hyphens

[only rob]

I know the moment well, and love it. I found this very visual, and enjoyed the reading of it. Twice. Welcome; I think we will like it here.

Rob

[Ca ne fait rien]

I think we will too, Rob.
Thanks.

[abu nuwas]

I have a natural dislike of the use of the present tense to describe stuff which happened in the past. I find journalists just the same ( Dusting down my best frock, i nervously enter. Sir Alan speaks on the phone, giving no sign of having noticed my coming. He barks down the phone to the Prime Minister, as if he were a candidate for the Apprentice.....)

So, it takes a lot to overcome my little idiosyncrasy, but this little cameo did --- I expected a 'darkling thrush' to make an appearance at any moment! I checked 'whitethorn'-- it is what I would call white hawthorn. I am desperately trying to think of a proper crit, but I can't.

[Ca ne fait rien]

I have a natural dislike of the use of the present tense to describe stuff which happened in the past. I find journalists just the same ( Dusting down my best frock, i nervously enter. Sir Alan speaks on the phone, giving no sign of having noticed my coming. He barks down the phone to the Prime Minister, as if he were a candidate for the Apprentice.....)

So, it takes a lot to overcome my little idiosyncrasy, but this little cameo did --- I expected a 'darkling thrush' to make an appearance at any moment! I checked 'whitethorn'-- it is what I would call white hawthorn. I am desperately trying to think of a proper crit, but I can't.

Thanks Abu. I never gave a thought to the tense- it was something in the moment I suppose. Whitethorn/ hawthorn, they are both used but in my area whitethorn more so for some reason. I never liked the word 'hawthorn' , I find it difficult to say correctly.

[Leanne]

But... but... if you don't call it hawthorn, it doesn't make any sense to go picking haws I'd never heard of "whitethorn" either, I actually find it pretty hard to say! Damn foreigners, eh?

I actually like the present tense, myself. It sounds almost as if you're describing a snapshot or a painting of the moment itself, with a sense of immediacy -- and the urgency of the first stanza is shattered quite violently by the deer, then completely turned around to become a very calm, visually peaceful moment.

[Wildcard]

Hi,
   Some of what you're writing about is foreign to me, literally. I'm a sort of uncultured, redneck, you see. 'clarted' is a new one for me, thanks for a new word. Regardless, I found this poem taking me back to my childhood, here in Alabama. I've known the weight of thick mud on my shoes as I plodded home from some chore or game quite well. And in the third part, the serendipitous sighting is made to seem all the more breath-taking because it comes so suddenly while we are busy 'gauging position.'
   I stumbled a little with L3. It seemed like it needed commas. (I see that you haven't used any punctuation other than full-stops). Just my observations as a newb

Thanks for sharing.

[Ca ne fait rien]

But... but... if you don't call it hawthorn, it doesn't make any sense to go picking haws I'd never heard of "whitethorn" either, I actually find it pretty hard to say! Damn foreigners, eh?

I actually like the present tense, myself. It sounds almost as if you're describing a snapshot or a painting of the moment itself, with a sense of immediacy -- and the urgency of the first stanza is shattered quite violently by the deer, then completely turned around to become a very calm, visually peaceful moment.

Hi Leanne, Thanks for reading and for the comment.
One reason I used 'white-thorn, is that the place that inspired the poem is a village near to a place called Withernsea, which is a corruption over the years of White-Thorn-by the Sea. I have people who live on Haw Lane in another town, I never realised for ages that was how it was spelled

I think I will change it to hawthorn, though, because in the end, it is important not to irritate the reader with a term that is unfamiliar for a familiar thing when it is not artistically necessary.

---

Hi,
   Some of what you're writing about is foreign to me, literally. I'm a sort of uncultured, redneck, you see. 'clarted' is a new one for me, thanks for a new word. Regardless, I found this poem taking me back to my childhood, here in Alabama. I've known the weight of thick mud on my shoes as I plodded home from some chore or game quite well. And in the third part, the serendipitous sighting is made to seem all the more breath-taking because it comes so suddenly while we are busy 'gauging position.'
   I stumbled a little with L3. It seemed like it needed commas. (I see that you haven't used any punctuation other than full-stops). Just my observations as a newb

Thanks for sharing.

Hi AA
Thanks for reading and for your kind comments- I am sure you are not as uncultured as you say, I have read some of your work

'Clarted' is a Yorkshire (UK) word, I think. I did deliberate some over using it knowing that friends from other places might have difficulty with it, but in the end decided to go with it because I felt is descriptive enough (almost onomatopoeic, perhaps) to convey ts meaning. I will be interested in feedback to see if it works.
Depending on the speed of a poem, which determines line length, I often like to use line breaks alone for natural pauses rather than commas in addition. I know it does not sit well with some critics. I will have aniother look at L3 though, in view of what you say.

Many thanks again.

[Leanne]

Just thought I'd chip in a little more, because I'm nosey

On end-line punctuation: I tend to prefer all or nothing, ie either punctuate every line to indicate both pauses and grammar, or leave it out entirely and have a nice, clean (and grammatically ambiguous) piece. As you've only got full-stops at the end of each stanza, I'd tend to suggest leaving the punctuation out altogether -- though I do know where AA is coming from with the slight stumble between L3&4. I wonder how you'd go shifting line breaks a little to give "ankles turn and tangle" its own line, so you have a kind of action sequence.

On "clarted": it's used in Scotland as well, and I love the alliteration of it here. (My other half occasionally refers to me as a "clarty midden"... which is less than complimentary...)

[Todd]

Well a lot of comments already (which I'm deliberately not reading so that it doesn't influence me )

To the lines:

Running home to beat the dark--I like this idea of racing the advancing dark
across an ocean of meadow grass--this feels a bit static for an ocean of meadow(I keep wanting to fit something like ripple/rippling into this. Something to keep the movement going
knees rip ankles turn and tangle--knees rip feels a bit awkward to me
boots stumble the furrows
along the stubble field.--like these to lines

On Mill Hill the earth is ploughed
already chain- harrowed. Blood pounds--I like chain-harrowed
seabreezes steal breath--salt breezes would be a good way to engage another sense. Just a thought
feet heavy clay- clarted--the extra spacing after the hypen seems wrong
stop a moment gauge position.

Up wind--one word
three roe deer break cover
from twisted whitethorn bushes
freeze on the brow
black against the violet sky--nice
poise on the point
of that split second--like the use of that
that separates
Day from night.

.

I liked this. I thought it was a solid read. Hopefully there will be something in these comments you might find useful.

Best,

Todd

[abu nuwas]

A couple more things. I hope you do not alter 'whitethorn', as it enriches the language, and the Lord knows the pressures to degrade it are great enough!

Also, re Todd's comment, sae-breezes are the opposite of land-breezes, coming off the sea. For that reason alone, for me at least, there is enough salt as is.

[Ca ne fait rien]

A couple more things. I hope you do not alter 'whitethorn', as it enriches the language, and the Lord knows the pressures to degrade it are great enough!

Also, re Todd's comment, sae-breezes are the opposite of land-breezes, coming off the sea. For that reason alone, for me at least, there is enough salt as is.

When I sat down to rethink, I realised that I had used 'whitethorn'
ahem 'artistically' because it sounds better with 'twisted'. Probably just subconsciously. Yes, here we talk about landwind and seawind depending on where it is coming from- it makes a big difference to us here. Salt breeze makes it feel more 'out at sea'.
Thanks again Abu.

---

Well a lot of comments already (which I'm deliberately not reading so that it doesn't influence me )

To the lines:

Running home to beat the dark--I like this idea of racing the advancing dark
across an ocean of meadow grass--this feels a bit static for an ocean of meadow(I keep wanting to fit something like ripple/rippling into this. Something to keep the movement going
knees rip ankles turn and tangle--knees rip feels a bit awkward to me
boots stumble the furrows
along the stubble field.--like these to lines

On Mill Hill the earth is ploughed
already chain- harrowed. Blood pounds--I like chain-harrowed
seabreezes steal breath--salt breezes would be a good way to engage another sense. Just a thought
feet heavy clay- clarted--the extra spacing after the hypen seems wrong
stop a moment gauge position.

Up wind--one word
three roe deer break cover
from twisted whitethorn bushes
freeze on the brow
black against the violet sky--nice
poise on the point
of that split second--like the use of that
that separates
Day from night.

.

I liked this. I thought it was a solid read. Hopefully there will be something in these comments you might find useful.

Best,

Todd

Hi Todd,
Thanks very much for taking time to read coment and for the suggestions. I will adjust the spacing issue, and have another look at line 3.

[billy]

i know you like tight poems but for me it could do with either a little grammar of a bit of enjambment to aid the read.

Running home to beat the dark
across an ocean of meadow grass
knees rip ankles turn and tangle either ',' after rip or move ankles turn etc to it's own line.
boots stumble the furrows is 'the furrows' needed considering the next line
along the stubble field.

On Mill Hill the earth is ploughed
already chain- harrowed. Blood pounds why the space after the hyphens?
seabreezes steal breath
feet heavy clay- clarted i like clart though it feels a bit to erudite for such a down to earth poem
stop a moment gauge position.

Up wind
three roe deer break cover
from twisted whitethorn bushes is 'bushes' needed?
freeze on the brow
black against the violet sky
poise on the point
of that split second
that separates
Day from night.

.

i thing the 2nd verse is excellent, the imagery through out the poem is good. if it weren't for the first line I'd have of thought it about a poacher. great slice of nature
thanks for the read.

[John Holland]

I saw it... I felt it. You have the ability to understand the moment and the skill to describe it.

[Ca ne fait rien]

Thanks for your excellent suggestions Billy. I have fixed the spaces after the hyphens. Will look at the others later in a re-edit. Many thanks , really appreciate all suggestions.

Thanks fr your kind comment. John.

[cvillelisa]

Hi there... I didn't read all the responses so forgive if I am being repetitious ...

Deer on Mill Hill at Nightfall

Running home to beat the dark
across an ocean of meadow grass

You could consider a flip here -- and also maybe more staccato to induce a "running" feeling. And I wonder if "home" is important?

Running across
an ocean of meadow grass <-- not sure "meadow" is needed i sort of like just ocean/grass being closer together.
to beat the dark

Again -- just playing with enjambment and line breaks here:

knees rip ankles turn
and tangle boots stumble
the furrows
along the stubble field.

On Mill Hill the earth is chain-harrowed. <--- chain harrowed is so delicious -- i know without ploughed you lose the great rhyme but could blood plough?
Blood pounds
seabreezes steal breath
feet heavy clay-clarted
stop a moment gauge position.

Up wind
three roe deer break cover
from twisted whitethorn bushes
freeze on the brow
black against the violet sky < very ezra pound those two lines -- in a station of the metro-like

Quite frankly -- i don't need the rest of these lines -- I want the image you painted to do all the pulling of the "split second" and call the poem "Day from Night"

poise on the point
of that split second
that separates
Day from night.


Oh this is exciting. Thank you for letting me do my thing. It is always helpful you know.

[Ca ne fait rien]

I have missed this, Lisa, Thanks. I am off to bed now, so will study the crit in detail tomorrow. I can see there are some good edits what you have suggested.

[marc]

An almost noctunal reverie, nicely paced and visually very vivid. I could nearly taste the scent on the air.

Marc