October Poem

[Ca ne fait rien]

Post-equinox nights roll
across the Wolds,
breathe their misty souls
through the open door.


The dog demands to dance
on air heavy with longing,
chase crackle-leaves
rife with scent of excitements.

Rooks return early now
to bare roosts, circle
like swirling tea-leaves
silhouetted on skydrifts,
a crescendo of ecstasy
before the long sleep.

We light fires
and gather ourselves
inwards.

[abu nuwas]

Lincolnshire? Curiously, there is not a single colour-word in it, and yet it paints a picture of a (bleak) October -- perhaps the October of the mind, rather than reality. Very simple, a kind of poetry I like a lot, though I daresay it might be tightened up here and there; I am not going to force myself to dream up comments which did not come to me at first reading.. (though I think ecstasy has an 's'?)

[Ca ne fait rien]

Lincolnshire? Curiously, there is not a single colour-word in it, and yet it paints a picture of a (bleak) October -- perhaps the October of the mind, rather than reality. Very simple, a kind of poetry I like a lot, though I daresay it might be tightened up here and there; I am not going to force myself to dream up comments which did not come to me at first reading.. (though I think ecstasy has an 's'?)

Thanks Abu- spelling corrected ( I can never get that right- blindspot I think). Yorkshire, although hopefully could really be anywhere.

[billy]

first off, i think you're worthy of mild or serious feedback
but it's here so here goes. love the first line, it works well with the title.
swirling tea leaves is a great simile and image, i think its a good strong verse. personally i don't think you need the last line, (it would leave it more ambiguous, but not overly so)
for me it needs to have fewer undefinable words such as; longing, souls, jmo

thanks for the read

[Leanne]

I love the last three lines -- they speak of a very personal kind of harvest, most appropriate for the title of the poem. October is my favourite month (probably because of my birthday!), but of course here in the Southern hemisphere it's Spring and the long sleeves are well away.

I very much enjoy the image of nights breathing "misty souls through the open door", which really plays well against the Samhain mythology.

Great poem, thank you.

[Ca ne fait rien]

Thanks Billy- I was not sure where to post as I was once reprimanded on another site for posting on more advanced forums than the baby slopes.
I am happy to get robust commentary.


Thanks Leanne.

[Wildcard]

Post-equinox nights roll --I love the way you began. The night immediately taking on a wind-like quality and shape. I didn't know 'Wolds,' but it was necessary to google it to understand what was happening (I did though) and also the last two lines are very beautiful to me.
across the Wolds,
breathe their misty souls
through the open door.


The dog demands to dance --I don't get this line at all. But I'm sure I'm just missing something
on air heavy with longing,
chase crackle-leaves --love crackle-leaves
rife with scent of excitements.

Rooks return early now
to bare roosts, circle
like swirling tea-leaves
silhouetted on skydrifts,
a crescendo of ecstasy
before the long sleep.

We light fires --I like the ending, but would love to see it broken up a little less. Oh, and I think it should be inward (no 's')
and gather ourselves
inwards.

I really like this poem and I'm glad you shared it.

[Ca ne fait rien]

Thank you very much, AA. I think on revision I might lose the last strophe, or at least radically alter it.

[billy]

Thanks Billy- I was not sure where to post as I was once reprimanded on another site for posting on more advanced forums than the baby slopes.
I am happy to get robust commentary.


Thanks Leanne.

post where you will, depending on what feedback you want. i personally think you're deserving of solid feedback. the novice section is aimed at those who are bright and shiny-new to poetry, in order that they don't get overwhelmed; and for those who are new to giving feedback other than back pats.

the thing we won't do, is treat you like a bad person, or reprimand you, hehe. on the very very odd occasion we will move a poem to novice, but as i say, it would have to be really really in need of milder interaction.

[addy]

I love "post-equinox nights"... immediately you establish an earthy and magical mood. Well done. The rest of the poem nicely follows suit.

your final stanza was wonderfully striking; the literal idea of settling in for the coming days, coupled with a more spiritual sense to the act of "gathering inwards". I would've liked the last stanza to be slightly extended, evoking slowness/ deliberateness, but I think that's just me being greedy 'cause I really liked it

Nice job, i would say

[Ca ne fait rien]

Thanks Addy

[V. Dorn]

I feel you've really captured the atmosphere of the seasonal death, or rather, dying. The coming of cooler weather is hinted immediately, which has imbued the rest of the poem with that thematic tone.

I really liked the onomatopoeic effects of certain words, 'crackle-leaves' comes to mind instantly, and the imagery used effectively conjures the ambience that you feel, hear, and see in the brisk dusk, or crisp dawn of autumn. The last stanza pleasantly surprised me, as after creating this insidious coming cold in the preceding, it juxtaposes and emphasises the warmth, despite it's simplicity

'We light fires
and gather ourselves
inwards.'

I know and can feel that fire, that simple warmth.


Very evocative of Autumn, great poem.

[shamanka]

I really like this poem it captures the autumn vibe perfectly, I love the autumn equinox when journey inwards begins.

[SimikPK]

The fire is greatly contrasting the rest of the poem, I, too , can feel its warmth. Strange contrast there with the plural WE and INWARD. As if it was an autumn in the relationships as well. So it gets another dimension.