rinsed

[writeitout]

[2nd draft]

cautiously
she waited near the gushing reservoir
swiftly
thoughts rush through life
as piqued sunshine paints forging waters
in dullest gray revelations

of what this mundane union had become

---

original

cautiously
she waited near the gushing reservoir
thoughts rushing through life's tunnel swiftly
as piqued sunshine painted forging waters
in dullest gray revelations
of what this mundane union had become

[abu nuwas]

Welcome! Wow, you leapt in pretty quick!

A very visual clip, with lots of alliteration, and one very sad line, at the end. There are much better critics here than me, so maybe I'll leave it to them.

PS Tried to PM you, but could not.

[Wildcard]

Hi Renee,

This is such a sad little poem I love it though.

'piqued sunshine painted forging water' is gorgeous! I am jealous of this line
Overall, I think you have done a great job and not overdone at all. I thought maybe 'dulled' should be just 'dull', but it's a small nit.

Thanks for sharing.

[Aish]

cautiously
she waited near the gushing reservoir
thoughts rushing through life's tunnel swiftly "life's tunnel" is clunky. I don't think this line is necessary.
as piqued sunshine painted forging waters
in dullest gray revelations I think you should put a period here, and set your antipodal line apart.
of what this mundane union had become Nice ending.

Welcome, writeitout. You might break up your enjabment a little, and move 'swiftly' in front of 'thoughts'. There are many words packed into this short piece, perhaps breaking it into strophes with punctuation would help the readers pace.

[writeitout]

Thank You for the welcome and feedback Aish.

[2nd draft]

cautiously
she waited near the gushing reservoir
swiftly
thoughts rush through life
as piqued sunshine paints forging waters
in dullest gray revelations

of what this mundane union had become

cautiously
she waited near the gushing reservoir
thoughts rushing through life's tunnel swiftly "life's tunnel" is clunky. I don't think this line is necessary.
as piqued sunshine painted forging waters
in dullest gray revelations I think you should put a period here, and set your antipodal line apart.
of what this mundane union had become Nice ending.

Welcome, writeitout. You might break up your enjabment a little, and move 'swiftly' in front of 'thoughts'. There are many words packed into this short piece, perhaps breaking it into strophes with punctuation would help the readers pace.

[Todd]

Hi, I really love your last three lines. If I were make any suggestion it would be that I'm not sure that your one word line adverbs are doing much for you.

cautiously
she waited near the gushing reservoir--what if instead of cautiously you substituted waited with a word like tensed?
swiftly
thoughts rush through life--what does swiftly give you that rush (though you may have to make it rushing) doesn't already give you
as piqued sunshine paints forging waters--gorgeous line
in dullest gray revelations--option (only an option) you could draw the paints idea down and exchange revelation for brush strokes

of what this mundane union had become--I like the added space. I think it makes the line hit harder.

Welcome to the site! Thanks for posting such a nice piece.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

[2nd draft]

cautiously
she waited near the gushing reservoir
swiftly
thoughts rush through life
as piqued sunshine paints forging waters
in dullest gray revelations

of what this mundane union had become

---

with such a short poem, everything should count.
the last three lines, specially the penultimate hold a good strong image,
it feels like an artist is at work.
the first feels a litte too tell. jmo
nice poem thanks for the read












[/quote]

[Ca ne fait rien]

I like the second draft much better than the first. The only suggestion I would make is perhaps to ask if 'swiftly' is necessary?
But what do I know.

[Leanne]

Oh, I do love "piqued sunshine"! I'm not entirely sold on "swiftly" where it is, but I do like the idea of contrasting it with "cautiously" -- what would you think of reversing L3&4?

Great to see you posting!

[addy]

cautiously
she waited near the gushing reservoir
swiftly
thoughts rush through life
as piqued sunshine paints forging waters
in dullest gray revelations

of what this mundane union had become

---

Nice images here, definitely the last three lines shine the brightest. For grammar purposes, I think "wait" in the first line should be the same tense as "paint" in the fifth... you should either have "waits & paints", or "waited & painted". Also just a suggestion, the fourth line could be altered as "thoughts rush to life" or "into life"... I know it alters the meaning somewhat but an alteration might help it be more urgent and evocative. Again this is only a suggestion

Thanks very much for the read