Behind the Shroud

[ICSoria]

Beyond sanitary walls of reason,
blind musicians walk around the square,
mourning loss of one more concert season.
Somber merchants pass them by and stare,

savory displays upon each cart;
games of chance they shamelessly promote
while brokers sit and ply their paltry art,
reciting verses that their children wrote.

Misanthropic Muse once more has spoken,
extending credit for each partial song.
Into the hat, she drops a golden token--
though she knows the tempo sounded wrong.

She hides her face but smiles behind the shroud
then weaves and disappears into the crowd.

[Ca ne fait rien]

This made me smile because I enjoyed it so much and because the misanthropic muse who so kindly gave the poem and dropped the golden token in the mendicant poet's hat may have been counting syllables just to tease. I shall leave it to her to suggest adjustments because I have not the skill to suggest improvements on this, and if I did, I am not sure that I would. I like it how it is.

[billy]

Beyond sanitary walls of reason,
blind musicians walk around the square,
mourning loss of one more concert season.
Somber merchants pass them by and stare,

savory displays upon each cart;
games of chance they shamelessly promote
while brokers sit and ply their paltry art,
reciting verses which their children wrote.

Misanthropic Muse once more has spoken,
extending credit for each partial song.
Into the hat, she drops a golden token--
though she knows the tempo sounded wrong.

She hides her face but smiles behind the shroud
then weaves and disappears into the crowd.

the couplet is really good and the content of the poem equally so.
i think some of the meter needs a little work sonnet wise but i do have to say sonically it works. (i'm shit at scansion ) the 3rd verse is my favourite sid. it's heart warming to say the least. the poem could set in modern times of days of yore without feeling out of place.
thanks for the read and good to see you about the boards

[bogpan]

A good sonnet, rhyme is unfortunately lost in translation, which is a big problem with rhyming poems. That is why I will not speak on this issue because in our tradition to talk about male and female rhymes. I especially like the final of the sonnet because it's unexpected, I am uneasy about the small discrepancy in style. Somehow, as the word "sanitary" in contrast with the magnificent image of the "blind musicians walk around the square",
in practice the use of modern words in a largely classical form as a suggestion and a poem is not the appropriate solution.
Thanks for sharing.

[ICSoria]

It is enough for me that you caught the main idea behind this poem—a song, as it were, in praise of my own merciful Muse—and it encourages me. I appreciate all comments positive or negative and if anyone has an idea how exactly I can tighten the meter, short of changing too many words or adding extraneous ones, I will consider it. I am still reading this as pentameter, albeit not perfectly iambic, but feel free to prove me wrong--honest critique does not offend me.

...in practice the use of modern words in a largely classical form as a suggestion and a poem is not the appropriate solution.

Bogpan, I do appreciate your analysis and opinion but we differ on this point. I choose not to follow pedantic theories that allow only classical language on classical metric form, for I consider at the time such forms were introduced, Sonneteers constructed them in the modern language of their day.
Thank you all for weighing in on this,

Sid

[Leanne]

Beyond sanitary walls of reason,
blind musicians walk around the square,
mourning loss of one more concert season.
Somber merchants pass them by and stare,

savory displays upon each cart;
games of chance they shamelessly promote
while brokers sit and ply their paltry art,
reciting verses which their children wrote.

Misanthropic Muse once more has spoken,
extending credit for each partial song.
Into the hat, she drops a golden token--
though she knows the tempo sounded wrong.

She hides her face but smiles behind the shroud
then weaves and disappears into the crowd.

You mix trochaic and iambic pentameter in this and it took me a couple of run-throughs to get the meter fixed in my head, but once it was there it worked just fine. The variations are really interesting, especially with the self-aware "though she knows the tempo sounded wrong". The couplet is the only part that's perfectly iambic, which seems quite appropriate to me since that's the Muse's departure.

I think "reciting verses that their children wrote" would be better, but that's my only pick really. It's a great read, Sid.

[ICSoria]

You mix trochaic and iambic pentameter in this and it took me a couple of run-throughs to get the meter fixed in my head, but once it was there it worked just fine. The variations are really interesting, especially with the self-aware "though she knows the tempo sounded wrong". The couplet is the only part that's perfectly iambic, which seems quite appropriate to me since that's the Muse's departure.

I think "reciting verses that their children wrote" would be better, but that's my only pick really. It's a great read, Sid.

I always look forward to your input, Leanne, as I so greatly respect your metric ear. I agree about that word and will change it. Thank you,

Sid