Bought and Still Paying:

[billy]

The tongue flip-flops.
Swan lake of the flounder family
thrashing between tides
of a coarse lipped mouth
venal bitch with ass-burger syndrome
bad-breathed and greasy,
her dentures dance in the glass
she worries food, and men
gums it; a toothless crush.
"Where's the fucking ketchup"
she spits, as I walk out.

---

a small edit based on feedback from Todd, Ca ne fait rienand AA

[Wildcard]

The tongue flip-flops.
Swan lake of the flounder family made me laugh and remember some of my former lovers
thrashing between tides
of a course lipped mouth
venal bitch with ass-burger syndrome
bad breathed and greasy,
her dentures dancing in the glass
she worries food, and men
gumming with a toothless crush could you eliminate 'with'? Maybe use a colon after gumming?
"where's the fucking ketchup"
she spits, and i walk out.

the title says it all. Who hasn't felt like that?
I love 'ass-burger' syndrome. I'm growing fond of the occasional invented word, thanks to reading some fine poets on this forum I stumbled across . . .
Nice work, Billy.

[Todd]

Really funny!

The tongue flip-flops.
Swan lake of the flounder family
thrashing between tides
of a course lipped mouth--did you mean coarse?
venal bitch with ass-burger syndrome--ass-burger is clever. Love it.
bad breathed and greasy,--a hypen between bad-breathed perhaps
her dentures dancing in the glass
she worries food, and men
gumming with a toothless crush
"where's the fucking ketchup"
she spits, and i walk out.--maybe as instead of and

I didn't have any real issues with this Billy. I thought it was funny and good.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

thanks guys, good suggestions, i'll sort them out after shopping
and yeah todd, it should be coarse

[Aish]

The tongue flip-flops.
Swan lake of the flounder family
thrashing between tides I really liked this line in tandem with the one below it.
of a coarse lipped mouth
venal bitch with ass-burger syndrome Such a great word play on Asperger's!
bad-breathed and greasy,
her dentures dancing in the glass
she worries food, and men I can see this vividly.
gumming; a toothless crush
"where's the fucking ketchup"
she spits, as I walk out.

---

a small edit based on feedback from Todd and AA

This was a good chuckle, Billy. Cheers!

[grannyjill]

Hi, Billy

This is not a critique but a homage to you. This has the sound and fury of an Anglo-Saxon curse....it certainly beats calling your partner a 'harridan' or other such weak epithet.

I am glad I never have to have an argument with you.

I, too, loved the ass-burger.

bye grannyjill

[billy]

thanks Aish.

Thanks Jill

[Ca ne fait rien]

On reading the poem I had an extraordinary image of that rubber fish where you press the button and it wobbles about and sings 'don't worry, be happy'. The fishy imagery fits so well wth the harridan (do you say 'fish-wife' where you are from?) . Being sort of like here to offer crit, an' all, I womder if there are too many gerunds in a relatively short piece and if it might be a bit more vehement with some crisper verbs? Not fucking though. That wouldn't work being as it is an adjective not a gerund. I have never known ketchup to fuck.
As you can probably see, I like this and enjoyed the read quite a lot.

[billy]

does you have a name cos "Ca ne fait rien" is a mouthful

i removed two of the 'ings' and yeah, we have fish wives in the uk
thanks for the feedback

[Ca ne fait rien]

does you have a name cos "Ca ne fait rien" is a mouthful

i removed two of the 'ings' and yeah, we have fish wives in the uk
thanks for the feedback

People call me Stef.
I didn't realise you were a fellow Brit.

[billy]

yeah, though i'm now living in the philippines., i still get home once or twice a year to see the family though.
stef is a lot easier