Harbour

[billy]

towering monuments; penile erections
raised of stone and glass, sails of imperfections
quartering shipwracked crews.
Fo'c'sled, faceless, behind a faux pas cliff face.
Galley slaves fear, scutter at an urgent pace,
wear out their souls and shoes.

Black winds breed banshees, blow between the pain.
Lash through holes of better seas to come, hard rain
and heavy cannon shot.
Pirates; a different kind lay waste and squall,
ship and ship alike, across the inner sprawl
where men as men are not.


1st edit removed an empty word from each long line;

---

original version
Our towering monuments; penile erections
raised, of stone and glass, all sails of imperfections
quartering shipwracked crews.
Fo'c'sled, faceless, hid behind a faux pas cliff face.
Galley slaves that fear, scutter at an urgent pace,
wear out their souls and shoes.

Black winds breed banshees and blow between the pain;
lash through holes of better seas to come, like hard rain
and heavy cannon shot.
Pirates of a different kind lay waste and squall,
on ship and ship alike, across the inner sprawl
where men as men are not.

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

I'm unfamiliar with this form and can't speak directly to it (as to whether you've met the form requirements) . I realize that if I suggest cuts or changes they may be at odds with the form so please disregard when necessary.

Long winded start, here are some comments for you:

Our towering monuments; penile erections--great opening. It gets your attention, it's true, and it's evocative
raised, of stone and glass, all sails of imperfections--I take this to mean that like a sail rises up over a ship these monuments also rise up above us. Maybe a more evocative phrase than rises up, that billows perhaps
quartering shipwracked crews.--do you mean shipwrecked? I don't mind wracked from the standpoint of racked with pain, but it comes across like a mispelling (unless this is a US english versus UK again)
Fo'c'sled, faceless hid, behind a faux pas cliff face.--I'm not sure what Fo'c'sled is? Could just be me but the comma looks out of place after hid. I would expect it to be after faceless
Galley slaves that fear, scutter at an urgent pace,that fear feels like a bit of filler to me (imo). I think scutter at an urgent pace (which is good btw) and that they're slaves coveys fear
wear out their souls and shoes.--absolutely love the play on words here

Black winds breed and banshees blow between the pain;--this is where I wish it were free verse. I would love to kill the and and do are hard break after breed. That said I think you should kill the and anyway as black winds breed banshees is very, very cool. I'm not a big fan of the indistinct pain here. It could just be me
lash through holes of better seas to come, like hard rain
and heavy cannon shot.--I like the addition of this line pared against the hard rain
Pirates of a different kind lay waste and squall,
on ship and ship alike, across the inner sprawl--I like the s sounds here and the squall/sprawl rhyme
where men as men are not.--The last line feels a little cryptic and I like it.

Billy, I don't know if I'm fully getting the meaning. I hesitate to make suggestions knowing that there's a lot of form work behind this, but I think you should consider making at least the banshee line shift as it will be so much more interesting.

It's a cool poem that I'll continue to think about. I wanted to give you my initial thoughts. I may come back with more if I think of anything.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

high todd thanks for the feedback, i did a soft edit on the banshee line by moving the 'and'
at this point i don't want to do too much of an edit till the form meister's had a look.
i id think your point was a good one though so i thought what the heck.
it now reads as;

Black winds breed banshees and blow between the pain;
i also placed the comma after faceless.

Fo'c'sle is short for forecastle which became shortened to Fo'c'sle
Fo'c'sled i'm sure isn't a given word, i used artistic license with it and made it forecastled

shipwracked is also artistically licensed. many inner city dwellers feel as though they've been left to rot at the bottom of the social sea, wrack is an old way of saying wreck i know it's archiac but i liked making use of it in such a way. will think about changing it though if it's too much of a stumbling block

[Wildcard]

Billy what do you mean by 'a faux pas cliff face'?

I know what faux pas means, but in the context, I'm taking it too just mean weird or distorted. Is that right?

[billy]

Billy what do you mean by 'a faux pas cliff face'?

I know what faux pas means, but in the context, I'm taking it too just mean weird or distorted. Is that right?

a faux pa is a violation of accepted social norms, which is what a lot of the high rise in english inner city housing estates were. it was the new eden that never worked, when you walk among them it's like walking between cliffs. (i think) they were and are a blight on the landscape

[ICSoria]

Billy,
I rather like the metaphors and similes within this poem along with the unique rhyme scheme. I am not sure if you purposely used shipwracked, or whether its use is more common where you are from.
Your two stanzas are close to metric uniformity and my natural inclination is deleting the “an” from S1L5 along with, “like” in S2L2, to further even them out. You have some very good word choices in this and I would hope that any suggestions I make would not detract. Here is how I see the lengths of your lines:

5 Our towering monuments; penile erections
6 raised, of stone and glass, all sails of imperfections
3 quartering shipwracked crews.
6 Fo'c'sled, faceless, hid behind a faux pas cliff face.
7 Galley slaves that fear, scutter at an urgent pace,
3 wear out their souls and shoes.

6 Black winds breed banshees and blow between the pain;
6 lash through holes of better seas to come, like hard rain
3 and heavy cannon shot.
6 Pirates of a different kind lay waste and squall,
6 on ship and ship alike, across the inner sprawl
3 where men as men are not.

Thanks for a very good read,

Sid

[billy]

right sid (hi by the way) because it's a metered poem if i remove those it would (to me) feel odd.
that said i like the poem without those two words so i think i could drop something from each of the longer lines.
thanks for the feedback.

Harbour
Our towering monuments; penile erections
raised of stone and glass, sails of imperfections
quartering shipwracked crews.
Fo'c'sled, faceless, behind a faux pas cliff face.
Galley slaves fear, scutter at an urgent pace,
wear out their souls and shoes.

Black winds breed banshees, blow between the pain.
Lash through holes of better seas to come, hard rain
and heavy cannon shot.
Pirates; a different kind lay waste and squall,
ship and ship alike, across the inner sprawl
where men as men are not.