Rorschach

[Aish]

You do not know,
nor love the chalky crevices and dark knotholes of my cenotaphic soul,
coral polyp dissolved
beneath the drying bath of this polygamist sun-god;

a lone calcareous skeleton forgotten,
propped in a corner,
spidersilked against crickety planks too far indoors to suckle dew.

And what of the cockroach-egg infested envelope
glue, embedded on the underbelly
of my tongue,

waiting to hatch sleeping
soft on the needles of refugees?

It's in the eye of the poppy seed,
in the sightless bell jar full of melting stones.
It tarries,
and holds me, overdue.

_________________________________________________________________________

(close to original version)

You do not know,
nor love the chalky crevices and dark knotholes of my cenotaphic soul,
coral polyp dissolved
beneath the drying bath of this polygamist sun-god;

a lone calcareous skeleton
propped in a corner and forgotten,
spidersilked against crickety planks too far indoors to suckle dew.

And what of the cockroach-egg infested envelope
glue, embedded on the underbelly
of my tongue,

waiting to hatch
sleeping soft on the needles of refugees?

It's in the eye of the poppy seed.
It's in the sightless bell jar full of melting stones.
It tarries,
and holds me, overdue.

[billy]

You do not know,
nor love the chalky crevices and dark knotholes of my cenotaphic soul,
coral polyp dissolved
beneath the drying bath of this polygamist sun-god;

a lone calcareous skeleton
propped in a corner and forgotten, great imagery i the 1st two lines
spidersilked against crickety planks too far indoors to suckle dew. i love this line, at first i thought you meant rickety, but i like crickety much better.

And what of the cockroach-egg infested envelope glue, would 'glue' work better on the next line?
imbedded on the underbelly (embedded)
of my tongue,

waiting to hatch while is 'while' needed
sleeping soft on the needles of refugees? (i can't get a handle on this line

It's in the eye of the poppy seed. what is?
It's in the sightless bell jar full of melting stones.
It tarries,
and holds me, overdue. is 'and' needed?

lots of good stuff going on Aish. (For me,) it could do with some work on the enjambment; most of the long lines. i think it would look better visually and enhance the harshness of the poem.

a couple of the lines meaning eluded me, but that could just be me not being aware enough. there is a great poem in there with the help of a small edit. (jmo)

thanks for the read

[Aish]

Ok Billy, I dropped 'glue' to the next line and fixed my misspelling. I also struck 'while'. I left the 'and' because when I read it without the rhythm faulters.

The longer lines are drawn out as i would speak them. I will consider chopping them up a bit.

Thank you so much!

---

The 'it' in the final strophe is the darkness, the unloved, unknown portions. It was meant to be a little ambiguous, but is it so ambiguous it falters?

[billy]

seriously Aish, it feels a lot tighter with just that small edit
and believe it or not i think it affects how i read the poem as a whole.
for some reason the long lines don't seem as long now

[Todd]

Hi Aish,

I've been meaning to get to this since you put it up. Here are some comments for you:

So from the title and the first line, we have the Rorschach test. A tool to find out what can be known about someone and what is unknowable. The first line: You do not know (which is great by the way for how it links with the title) points to the ambiguity of the process.

You do not know, --the you seems to be the one trying to figure out the speaker. The you not only does not know but what they do see (or think they see) they find unlovable
nor love the chalky crevices and dark knotholes of my cenotaphic soul,--your word choices are what gives this piece such an odd tilt to it (which I like). I'm mixed about the long lines. Your model line seems to be 8 or 9 syllables so when you push them out they seem like an outburst of sorts. I don't mind them at all, and though I personally would have kept the lines uniform on my first draft that may be a mistake. It's like the person being examined is being seen in one aspect and then suddenly the rest comes pouring out. It seems erratic and maybe a bit dangerous. I love chalky crevices, dark knotholes and centaphic (great words). Centaphic is especially nice because it makes you think that why this person is the way they are has been buried far away, and you see a monument to it but not the remains.
coral polyp dissolved--again gorgeous word choices
beneath the drying bath of this polygamist sun-god;--I love drying bath (I love the antithesis of it), which could be the light of revelation also I guess. Polygamist is an interesting addition...though it may not be your point I got a flash of greek gods and transformation.

a lone calcareous skeleton
propped in a corner and forgotten,--I'd be tempted to move forgotten up to end the previous line and kill the and in this line. Here is what the cenotaphic soul points too
spidersilked against crickety planks too far indoors to suckle dew.--again this one pops with beautiful words: spidersilked, crickety, suckle--just gorgeous

And what of the cockroach-egg infested envelope
glue, embedded on the underbelly
of my tongue,--absolutely love this. What about the parts of me that are hidden (maybe even to me) ready to hatch. There's a part of the speaker that feels infected and dirty. If the other person saw to the deepest parts would they be repelled (the question). Great, great part

waiting to hatch
sleeping soft on the needles of refugees?--not sure I understand the needles here. I would be tempted to pull sleeping up before waiting though that could just be me

It's in the eye of the poppy seed.--the it is like trying to strain self-knowledge (or the alien knowledge of someone else) out of something tiny and unreachable. Great line
It's in the sightless bell jar full of melting stones.--I realize you're building an It's It's It repetition but on this line I'd cut I'ts and just go with "in the sightless bell jar..." could just be me of course but it feels smoother. I like sightless bell jar as it implies experimentation without intelligent observation.
It tarries,
and holds me, overdue.--I'm guessing the entire self revellation is what tarries though I could be off here.

Fantastic read Aish. Again, for me it's the tone and the work you did pulling interesting specific words in that really pulled this all together. Thanks for the read.

Best,

Todd

[Aish]

Todd, you are so very spot on it's almost scary - and quite welcome! Thank you both for such amazing feedback.

I have posted the revised piece.

[Wildcard]

I don't have any critique, but I wanted to say that I really like this. Whether you meant to or not, the eye and needle play worked so well for me.

Both the spidersilked line and the bell jar line sent me dreaming up images not even suggested in the text. To my own memories. Thanks for sharing.

[Aish]

Thank you so much, Mark. Made me smile