Porn

[heslopian]

Passing round rub on tattoos
a stage hand weaves between tripods,
some erected, some discarded.
The bed is made, lights are set.
All the best technology
surrounds this simple scene.
When viewed by lonely men in rooms
dark and close, like time capsules,
the red faced director
might never have breathed.
Actors cast aside the sheets,
think of home and click their heels.

[LaGitana]

And there is so much left unsaid, sight unseen but still a loaded piece set to go off with a bang.

I love the imagery of the tripods... So much can be read into that, or it can be taken for what it is.

It might just be me and they way that I am reading this but moving from L10 to L11 is not moving me along with it. It is almost as if I have blinked at the end of L10 and then upon opening them, there appears L11... Maybe that is your intention though as it can change in the blink of an eye and be over in so many ways in the porn industry.

Just some food for thought. I know its not the usual critique you get from the others... (Also, is rub on hyphenated?)

[heslopian]

Your critique is as helpful as anyone else's I rarely use hyphens because I don't know where they belong, and dithering over whether I should put them in or not drives me insane.
Thanks for you feedback, Gitana

[LaGitana]

Well, anytime I can rub two nickels together and offer my two cents without making any.... I'm your girl!

So, rub on, with or without the hyphen... You have made your case and taken a stance and you look only mildly insane while doing so. :p

[Wildcard]

Passing round rub on tattoos
a stage hand weaves between tripods,
some erected, some discarded. creates a nice opportunity for double meaning
The bed is made, lights are set.
All the best technology
surrounds this simple scene.
When viewed by lonely men in rooms
dark and close, like time capsules,
the red faced director It's great that you make me see a particular face with the simple line. I think it might be 'red-faced', though.
might never have breathed.
Actors cast aside the sheets,
think of home and click their heels.

Not long ago, I would have never considered writing a poem about porn unless it was meant to be funny. You make me see that the subject is made more viable because it hasn't been over used. Thanks for reminding me that creative options are only limited by imagination.

[addy]

Lovely work Jack. Didn't know what to expect when I read the title of the poem but you surprised me in a good way. "..When viewed by lonely men in rooms--dark and close, like time capsules...", that's just gorgeous. My only nit would be that the opening lines are intriguing but muddle the dramatic heart of the poem for me, just imo. If yactually think it's interesting if you just start with "All the best technology..." and proceed from there, but that's just my own perspective

[heslopian]

I rather like that idea Addy. The poem could easily start from that point... I'll definitely have a serious think about it, thanks. I think the problem is that the opening lines are very action based, whereas what follows it is more internal.

[billy]

Passing round rub on tattoos
a stage hand weaves between tripods, great two openers, the images are strong.
some erected, some discarded.
The bed is made, lights are set.
All the best technology
surrounds this simple scene. would it work better if split here, creating two verse
When viewed by lonely men in rooms good strong sad image
dark and close, like time capsules,
the red faced director
might never have breathed.
Actors cast aside the sheets,
think of home and click their heels.

you show the working side of it nicely though for me the last line feels forced, (the 'and click their heels' part)
some really good down to earth images carry it well. i like how you used erect in a non sexual way.

thanks for the read jack,

[heslopian]

Thanks for the kind words and feedback Bilbo I think actually the ending might be more profound if it was just "actors cast aside the sheets".

[billy]

it works for me jack

[grannyjill]

Hi, H

It is difficult when reading a poem (with comments written on it) to know whether we are influenced by the previous commentator or not but....

I, too,thought this needed to be in two verses as it moves to a different scene/location from 'when viewed....., although using that as a reason, the last two lines would need to be separated too.

I felt 'clicked their heels' didn't seem to fit what had gone before....unless you meant that in the sense of 'sitting idly tapping their heels' waiting for instruction from the director....my first thought was of the Nazi heel click!

....suggestion - last line 'and idly thought of home' or your suggestion which works, too.

I am envious of your skill, this poem says so much without dotting all the i's and crossing all the t's - I suffer from doing just that.
Bye, grannyjill
Damn, I've just realised that I was at the end of a thread so only saw Billy's comment- forgive me I am still very new and not sure of where I am or what I am doing!

[heslopian]

I'm sure you'll find your way round soon enough It was tricky for me at first too. Thanks for your feedback, grannyjill!

[billy]

it's hard, but i try not to read others comments till i'v done my own, it seldom works though as i always take a peek hehe.